To ask how you fit everything in.

[Caitl995]

Just that really. I am completely overwhelmed and over stimulated all the time. I had 2 children young and then had 2 younger (under 10) children with an age gap of 16 years. One of the younger ones is ASD. I just struggle to be the person that all the people in my life deserve. I feel like I’m so busy with just the youngest 2, I’m late 40’s and reasonably fit but I get tired more easily now. But then I’m a Mum to older children who have left home and still deserve their Mum and my presence, then there’s my Mum who is quite well and fit and who also deserves my attention. But fitting in seeing everyone and spending time with them is almost impossible when I have young children that want to do hobbies and do things at the weekend. That’s before I even consider working (1.5 days per week but really need to start bumping the pension) or working out or any DIY / housework etc. I feel like I’m failing everyone really. I can tell my eldest feels a bit resentful if I forget to tell them we’re doing something with the younger ones or if we haven’t spoken for a while even though they have their own home and I can tell my Mum would like to spend more time with us. She recently asked me if she was invited on holiday with us (we’ve holidayed with her a lot over the years) and I felt awful saying no but the younger ones are now at an age where my partner and I can relax a bit more while we’re away and we still need time as a romantic couple and so our holiday is our family time (is that awful?) We don’t have nights out together etc as the ASD child won’t stay anywhere overnight without us.

Help!

So any tips or you just wanted to tell me how much more efficient than me you are?

The only advice I could possibly give is to set your own personal boundaries or goals eg 2 x a week for your mum, you get alone time 2 x nights a week etc.
My situation isn’t comparable but I feel everyone gets the worst of me, and I’m running on empty. I also take my widowed mum away with me sometimes.
The only control I have is the above.

I think the problem is lovely, albeit exhausting, that everyone wants to spend time together as a family. It's not tenable for you to be the one running to them though.

Instead of a monthly dinner, I'd suggest a weekly invite for Sunday brunch. 11am on a Sunday, frozen pain au chocolates banged in the oven and a frozen smoothie mix banged in the blender. Everyone comes to you, in summer you can go for a group stroll after. Reminder in the group chat every Friday- we're having flaky pastries and a cuppa on Sunday, who can make it this week? Even if no one shows up for weeks in a row, keep inviting. The invite matters in of itself. Plus traditions take a while to kick off. Ground rule: you don't do pick ups or drop offs for anyone to attend.

Then make a big big deal of celebrations. Birthday days out for your eldest DC, dinners for Easter & Halloween, make big occasions feel fancy.

Call your eldest DC the same day every week.

And hold boundaries with your DM. Easier said than done, sorry. A nice way would be "DH & I really need some time together to reconnect, but I'd love to go away with you another time. If you want to plan it, my budget is X and the dates that work best for me are Y&Z". Or offer a once off afternoon tea to soften the blow of not coming.

Of course you do 🤣 half marathon at it , typical MN.

op sounds like you’re doing your best. If your older ones are adults they need to be more independent as well. You can’t be 💯 to everyone. Surely because of the age gap, they had their time with you. Your younger ones have to share in the same time.

Can you encourage your mum and older children to come and visit you? How about like every second Sunday afternoon you make sure you're home and free and use it to either go and visit your mum and adult children or ask them to come to you?
How much support do you get from your partner? Can he watch the younger 2 one evening a week while you visit your older children?
Could you plan a yearly weekend away with your mum just so she feels included?

I feel for you, I work 3 days/week with 2 children, granted my youngest isn't at school yet so any days i'm at home I have a toddle with me but it's difficult to try and keep on top of everything. I think it's a case of being organised and prioritising. Can you for example afford to get a cleaner?