AIBU to worry it is inevitable my child will think badly of me even though I did nothing wrong?

[Us100]

Ex left me just before the 20 week scan. We had been living in his place but loosely… what I mean by that is he gave me a key and I left my house as it was, didn’t rent it out or anything, we just gave things a go. So nothing official was in place like a mortgage or joint tenancy agreement.

Anyway, things were awful. Baby was a surprise but we’d chatted about kids for a year or so before it happened. After he left me he refused to speak to me for months and told me through his friend that he didn’t want to know when the baby was born. When I claimed maintenance (through cms as he had told me not to contact him) he then denied he was the father and said I had been sleeping around. I don’t have an opinion on anyone sleeping around if that’s what they want to do but it’s never been something I have done and him suggesting this was hurtful on a lot of levels but one of them was the fact that it just simply wasn’t who I was. Obviously when the test was forced upon him to do (after several weeks of chasing him to book the appointment), he then had to pay.

He’s since developed a bond with our child and he will regularly say that he will tell our child what I’m like, for instance if we have a disagreement about something he immediately alludes to the paternity test as to why he was absent initially. I live in fear of this because even though the paternity test showed he was the father, our child will always now have the impression that I was sleeping around and it really upsets me.

I have posted about this before in a longer post about other things, please don’t judge me for posting, I’m just struggling and feel sad about it and anxious about the future and how my relationship may be affected with my child:

I'd throw it right back at him by saying you'll explain how you had to go via CMS for him to pay for his child and that he had to be forced into admitting he was responsible.

Two can play that game.
What an arse!

Genuinely though, just ignore him.

Yes, just ignore him. And, be the bigger person. Even if he bad mouths you, think of the kids and do not engage in a back and forth through the kids. The kids will grow up and respect you for that, not think badly of you. They will think badly of their father for thinking so little of them and their emotional security that he would rant about their mother to them.

Your child will have a whole of their lifetime to bond, love, understand and value who you are for the maternal love you give them.

It's going to be many, many years before they have any sense of what "sleeping around" means, even if their absent father tries to tell them.

Don't give it another thought.

This.

@BlueMum16 @MasterBeth thank you. The thing I hate is that he can always say he ‘needed’ a paternity test and obviously the implications of that make me seem awful. Like i was the cause of the end of the relationship or something. I hand on heart did nothing wrong and was completely loyal to him. He left me out of the blue

As a mother of young adults I can assure you that children are pretty good at working out who is doing the parenting and cares about them and who does not.

my ex is a waste of space and they ignore any shit he comes out with.

I would say to him I’m stopping contact as he is telling lies and being abusive emotionally to the mother of his child.

Why would your child believe their father, not you?

What do you think your child will think of someone who badmouths their mum?

@MasterBeth but I have to recognise that he’s DC’s dad too. So dc is close to him too although dc lives with me. I just think the fact he can show he had paternity test done makes it look like I was awful.

The reason he “needed” a paternity test is because he is a responsibility dodging dick. If he wasn’t and he was an adult who accepted responsibility for his child he wouldn’t have needed one and wouldn’t have run for the hills before his child was born. Your child will know it is loved by you, your child will eventually understand that the father is a horrible individual who left the mother of his child alone and pregnant rather than being a man and stepping up. Then tried to excuse his behaviour by blaming you including making up lies. Your child will eventually understand its father hasn’t looked after him through love but through legally enforced responsibility

It really won’t be affected. Be a great mum to him and never bad-mouth his dad and he’ll see who you really are. Over the coming years, his dad will remain being a horrible bas***d and it’ll be clear to your child that this test was forced to get him to pay up. Give him the rope to show his true colours and watch him hang himself. Not literally ofcourse!

So then you just tell him you didn't sleep around but the paternity test was needed because he was saying this to try to get out of paying child support. By the time he understands the concepts, he'll be old enough to be told this. Kids aren't blind. They notice stuff and will know who is there for him most.

Er, no. You needed the paternity test because he was refusing to step up as a Dad. He had to be forced to contribute.

He’s trying to manipulate you. When he says it, say it back emphasising the truth. ‘Don’t you mean you had to be forced by the government to do a test because you were trying to avoid contributing to feeding and housing your own child?!’

He’s an arse. Your DC is going to know you and love you, and won’t be fooled by a gobshite dad.

How often does he see his child? I will bet you are the main carer. The truth comes out in the end, one way or another - Just be honest with your child and tell the truth about exactly what happened. Answer any questions they have when they are old enough, make it very clear that your version is the truth, and if ex is lying then tell them so - explain why you had to get the DNA test. Ex ghosting you and your child, and then trying to shun financial responsibility. What a prick.

My father called my mom the W*ore of Babylon (he joined a cult when I was 5) and it never ever made me think worse of my mom,.only him, because I realized she was a good responsible mom and he was a loose canon who wanted to keep me locked up from the world.

Kids aren't daft, your child will face an entire lifetime of knowing you are the one who turns up, who provides for them, who picks them up when they fall, who feeds them, loves them etc etc. I sincerely doubt he'd carry through with any of his daft threats but even if he did it would be empty noise. Don't go tit for tat with him threatening to bad mouth him, you're going to have to deal with him for the rest of your life so when he starts chatting shit just grey wall him. Don't respond and take the high road. Then imagine him stepping on Lego.

My ex did and said horrific things to me when he left when DD was 6 months old.
Shes only 8 so she doesn’t know about any of these things.
She loves her Dad.
But she’s also learning about him now herself.
She knows his promises are empty, he doesn’t have much to offer in the way of support or… anything.
Just be a good Mum to your child, don’t say anything negative about your ex in front of your child, they’ll learn for themselves eventually.
If the day comes when your child asks “Daddy said this… is it true?”
I’d say no darling, I can tell you the truth when you’re a bit older but that isn’t something you need to worry about anyway.

But here is the thing.. YOU think that. Not anyone else. So what you need to work on is your own belief system and the fact that your prick of an ex managed to convince you that it is all your fault somehow.
There is no way to predict the future. There is no way to predict what you ex will or won't say and what your child will or won't think. The only thing you are in control of is how you see the situation. You know you have done nothing wrong so you operate from that place. The rest is just noise.

If my father told me he had to do a paternity test, my first thought would be "what a prick" and that's because my father was a prick and I understood it from a very young age.

Tell her the truth
I protected my children from the knowledge of how bad their absent father was.
i ended up being blamed, when I was the one who hung around, loved them , worked and raised them solo into decent successful women. Wish I had told the truth about their loveless father!

I seen your other post, OP. You’re giving this scum bag way too much power over you. You know that’s not the truth, and he knows it’s not the truth. He tried and failed to abandon his own child. Reiterate that narrative to him.
Your child will see through the lies. Don’t give this loser another thought.

Talk to your child about how your relationship with the father was serious at the time and not a short fling. It must have been 2+ years?

It doesn't make you look awful - he walked out on you halfway through your pregnancy and had to be forced to support his child - it makes him look awful because he is. And if he were to tell your child that he had a paternity test because you were sleeping around, that would just prove what an absolutely vile and disgusting creature he is, that he would use his own child as a pawn to try and make you look bad.

You are the one bringing up your child, you've been there for them since day 1 - you are your child's safe place. If your ex ever tells your child lies about you, I would tell your child that they're lies and it's very wrong of Dad to say lies about you.

If you're struggling with anxiety, I would make an appointment with your GP and ask for some help. It's nothing to be ashamed of and you might benefit from some counselling.

It also shows he refused to step up and meet his responsibilities until he was forced to by the court, and that he was changing the narrative to suit himself.

It's only negative about you if you allow it to be.

He’s disgusting. I think the kid will work out what’s what. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Grey rock it / discuss only practical arrangements ignore everything else

Be the best mum that you can be.

Don't be sucked into his shit.

Discuss only what is important and don't engage in petty rows.

Children aren't children forever. They grow into adults with eyes and adult brains and they will realise, even if it's in hindsight, who was the toxic one. Don't let that one be you.

Don't let your DC see you having a revolving door of boyfriends.

Your child will develop his opinion of you based on mainly on the behaviour you model. Let your ex make himself look bad, but don't go there with him by engaging with him.