Husband is absent from parenting and I’m sick of it

[DancingonmyOwn88]

How present is your DH as a husband and a father? I’ve name changed for this as I don’t want it linked to other threads.

’D’h and I aren’t speaking at the moment. We had a blow up on Sunday evening, same old shite really.

We only have one child, DS4. Not at school yet. Nursery three days a week, I work three days a week.

This weekend
got up at 6:30 with DS both days. Did craft activity as promised him we’d do a volcano for his dinosaurs. Went to play date at his nursery friend’s house. Took him out to tea on way back. He played independently with his toys when we came back and I did kitchen jobs, washing etc etc. H pleased to inform me that he’d replaced 2 LED lightbulbs and sprayed mould stuff in bathroom in our absence.

Sunday
Up at 6:30 with DS. Played during morning, then we went down to shop on his bike. Came back knackered, H still in bed as had been up at some stupid hour to watch Australian GP. Surfaced at 10:30. Straight on to computer to do his matched betting (more on that later) I did lunch for DS. Asked DH what he had planned. He said he’d take DS for a kick about (this finally happened at about 1:30, they went out to the bit of concrete outside the garages of the flats we live in and were out there for 23 minutes. Seemed to think I must have had a nice break in this time and would be enough activity for DS for the day. It wasn’t. H then asked if we should go down to the pub for afternoon as they had a jazz band on, his treat for drinks etc, and I said not really, don’t really fancy trying to keep DS amused at pub and would rather do something else. Called ungrateful and told that had spoilt the entire afternoon. I took DS to soft play and we returned three hours later to find H on sofa with a beer watching football. Kitchen still needed tidying:dishwasher loading. Stuff all over sides. Asked what he’d been doing and he shouted at me in kitchen that he was sick of my attitude and had been to get toilet paper and bin bags from shop that we were out of.

This is a typical weekend. He stays in bed until 9-10 then does all his matched betting that he says needs doing to meet financial commitments and ‘don’t I want a new oven?!’ (Our cheap crappy one stopped working) And pay for the holiday we’ve got coming up. Which is great, and I know I do only work part time currently, but it’s been literally years now of him doing this instead of engaging with DS and it’s killing me. Not so much for me as I’m happy to get on and plan stuff with DS anyway- we do days out in London (live on the outskirts) and cheap overnight stays and trips up to see my family- low cost or free mostly as obviously there’s not a lot of spare cash and what I have I spend on doing stuff with DS or buying him what he needs. I’ve taken him on caravan and centre parc holidays too- alone.

if you looked at my Instagram you’d think I was a single mum, honestly.

I see dads with their kids at soft play, or doing park run, or a football class, or trampoline, and H does absolutely none of that with DS :( about 2-3x a year he will take him on a day out to the science museum or similar.

On the occasion I’ve had to work or go out and leave DS at home with H he will usually stick on the tv or do one of his garage kick abouts.

I’ve felt really on my own with parenting since DS was a tiny baby. I adore him and adore being his mum but it’s like I’m doing it on my own. I’ve got used to just getting on with it, and stopped waiting for H to join us. I don’t have close mum friends and I’m quite a private contained person so no one to spill out anything to.

H keeps his betting money very secret but I saw a spreadsheet about a year ago- he has over £40,000. He’s constantly doing it and trying to make more though. He has the kind of job where there’s not a huge amount to do (dying industry) and no one checks up on him so he spends literally hours on it every day.

None of this is normal is it? It’s so not how I imagined it to be and I’m starting to feel so so sad about it.

He had/has 40 grand from betting and you’ve got no oven!!!!

he’s bloody useless isn’t he

Jesus I wonder why people live like this. I really do. I'm not criticising you OP but this isnt healthy at all. Get out.

We alternate who gets up each morning, during the week the person who isn’t up gets brought a coffee in bed. Youngest kid is still wakeful in the night.
On the weekend we alternate a bigger lie in.
DH needs less sleep than me so sometimes he does a few nights early mornings back to back, for example if we have people over in the evening and it would be nice to have a glass of wine together he will offer to get up even if it’s my morning as he is happier to stay up late and still get up early.
In the week I’m a sahm right now, I make dinner and then DH does bath time, teeth, pjs and then I join for stories and wind down.
On the weekends we will just automatically be together unless there are specific plans or one of us is seeing friends. Maybe I will stay back if the youngest is napping and DH will take DC4 out for the afternoon.

I wouldn’t find it acceptable for my DH to lie in bed until 9 or 10 every weekend.
You had a man who thinks his child is just your hobby.

I had one of these 20 odd years ago. He was a shit husband and a shit dad. We both worked full time but I was the one up early every weekend entertaining our DS and doing all the house stuff. He’d lie in bed then fuck off out to watch football coming home pissed hours later. I’m quite an emotional person and he made the mistake of seeing my tears as weakness. Fool!
He came home one day to me filling out tax credit forms as a lone parent. I told him he had the weekend to pack his bags and fuck off!
He moved into a flat for a few weeks but.. … he did see the error of his ways.
We reconciled and 28 years later he’s a much better man. He’s in the kitchen now cooking my tea. 😊
Don’t put up with it!!

Thanks for all the responses. MN has been glitching out for me all afternoon so I’ve only just been able to read them.

So, the matched betting- yeah, he’s able to still do it after all this time (despite being banned and offers drying up) because he uses multiple accounts. Different devices, names etc (he’s given family members a backhander to use passport/address etc. this all started when I was on maternity leave and he said he was ‘paying for everything’ and it was an easy way to make some disposable income. It’s just increased since then. He claims it’s not gambling at all, he either makes nothing or a profit but not a loss. I don’t understand it, I’ll be honest. It’s just not the way my brain works.

I don’t know how to leave, with no money. He’d have to agree to sell the flat to release any money from that I take it? He wouldn’t, and I can’t afford it on my own, and I don’t have anywhere to go. How do people do it? I would love to move closer to my family but they’re miles away and I guess H could contest that? And I do want him to have a relationship with his dad :(

He doesn’t have a mum really (left when he was a teenager) and this has had a huge impact in my opinion how he sees family dynamics. His dad is still very present and he’s a lovely man but honestly H could make a cup of tea or read a bedtime story to DS and he’ll be absolutely showered with praise about how ‘hands on’ he is, it baffles me.

Every time I complain about the amount of time used up by the matched betting ok told he does it FOR US and it’s partly my fault for not bringing enough to the table financially. Funnily enough, he’s able to work around that at weekends where his Dad wants to go and watch a football match or his mates have a meet up in the pub.

DS already does the thirty hours- still costs us £450 a month- but it’s a private nursery with stretched funding year round.

Yes I thought that matched betting was not really possible anymore?

edit to say I cross-posted with your post re the matched betting

Sorry no advice, but I just clicked on this post and noticed your name. Guess what song is on radio one at the exact time! Weird. Also… LTB

I don’t really know what sort of matched getting it is but there’s constant slot machine type things going on the computer- depending on what ‘offers’ are available that day, and then some sort of Slavic blackjack thing. Again, apparently he ‘cashes out’ and doesn’t lose. But last month he apparently made nothing, all those hours spent doing it for nothing.

I'd be making plans to leave him.

Do you have access to this matched betting money?

If he won't improve his behaviour (which is out of order), then you stop doing anything for him - cooking, washing, cleaning etc. Concentrate on yourself and your son. If there is a spare room, move in their. Potentially look at benefits you could be entitled to, as a single parent.
Make plans to leave and move closer to your family, (or could you move in with them for a bit), as your son would likely benefit from that contact.
If your husband won't agreed to sell your house/buy you out a court can force the sale.

my parents are divorced and although they both live in the same county, they’re both in the sticks. It would be very difficult to raise any money by working even if I did stay with them, there’s just nothing around except farming. My dad rents with his partner who absolutely wouldn’t be on board with us pitching up. Mum would be a better option in that we could stay, but it’s very isolated where she is, and she’s a hoarder, and lives what she calls a ‘bohemian existence’ but in reality that means a very untidy house and doing random things like rescuing unwanted budgies and letting them have free reign of the living room.

Unfortunately we just have a two bed flat, no spare room.

H’s friends and family would be absolutely astounded that I’d leave, they all think he’s great. I’d get no support there.

Firstly, you’d be the resident parent and so would be able to stay in the flat.

Hes a gambling addict and at some point will get you into debt.
He's also a lazy fucker who has opted out of family life. No this is not right - a lot of men behave like this but its not normal.

But I could never afford it on my own. Bloody leasehold so even if I could somehow afford the mortgage and bills, they whack on £2,400 charges for maintenance and building insurance every year (which I can’t pay and H does, and I always feel shit about it)

I have done matched betting before. It violates the T&Cs of betting sites, and he will eventually not be able to do it when he runs out of family members details to use. When he is unable to do it, what will he do to bring in money? Hes working, but it cant be enough if hes doing this, as well.

Also hiding 40k from you is repulsive. Get concrete evidence of his excel sheet (email it to yourself if you can?), so you can claim half if you decide to divorce.

I think planning to leave ASAP is the safest option for you and your DS. He is already gaslighting you into believing he "pays for everything" and you "don't betting enough money to the table", when he knows full well you can't bring in any more money because you're doing all childcare and housework / errands alone.

Do not let him manipulate you. Do not let him fool you with his sob stories that he is doing everything yada yada yada. you know it is complete bollocks.

Also, if his mum left him at 14yo, thats awful for him, but its not your responsibility to fill that mum shaped hole in his life. It is another sob story at this point. My ex was exactly the same. Men with mummy issues can rarely be fixed, and its not your job to fix them, it is theirs. Took me a long time to accept that.

Can you not sell your half of the mortgage? I think given your financial situation you are best off waiting until DS is in school, and try to pick up some more hours / new job with more pay, if you can. Save money to rent somewhere and move out. Its hard imagining have to start all over again in life in terms buying a house, where you live etc, but it is so worth it do that than to stay in this miserable situation where you are a free housemaid, and for what? Saving some money? Your and DS's happiness is so much more worth while. Money can be replaced, time cannot. I so hope you get out OP.

there is no way matched betting would make him that amount anymore, not in a year. Something fishy there too

It’s been about four and a half years now in I think 3/4 accounts.

He has said before that I’ll never be able to access that money unless he dies, and even then it would be difficult as it’s spread around in different places. But the main thing is that it’s his. As he took the time to make it, using his skills.

Of course he usually forgets that he has the opportunity to make it because I do all the weekend parenting, always up in the night if needed, c section and all (always since DS was a newborn, it was honestly just easier to get on with it, he wasn’t a difficult baby and I felt totally capable- yes I know I made a massive rod for my own back there) and the morning, as well as work 3x a week (long hours even though it’s only part time- 9/10 hours) and devote the other two to household stuff and our DS.

A lot of the matched betting sites also do casino offers and edge-based gambling predictions that are quite profitable. But they're not the same as matched betting - they require a high degree of availability to take the opportunities, and they do carry risk, unlike matched betting.

I know because I used to do MB, and have successfully done some of the newer tools.

But I stopped because it wasn't compatible with family life, and I didn't want to waste my son's childhood clicking away on a computer.

If you're going to do it, do it sooner rather than later. Younger kids adapt and roll with change in a way some older kids may struggle with. Look at your DH and his mum leaving as a teen.

You need a free half hour with the solicitor. Ultimately you force a sale through the court if you need to. Yes it costs, but that's often an incentive to do it privately. If you do split, make sure you know his details, know that you can ask for more than 50%, you don't need to work around his job and when he will be willing to see dc (obviously you can't force him), but you can push for alternate weekends, 5 days here, 5 days there. If he wants less than half custody then you have a case for more than half the joint assets in order to ensure you and DC are adequately housed. His pension counts toward assets well. My roundabout point is if you have a house worth 200k and 100k of equity, if he only wants every other weekend, you could ask for the full 100k equity in exchange for him walking away with his pension, cash and minimal childcare bills or interruption to his life. So you might be able to afford it.

Very sad to read, you are a single parent OP. He wont want much time with his son by the sounds of it, the lazy useless prick.

Get things lined up and when you are ready get out of this marriage. I would also do as little for him as possible in the meantime. Just be passing ships as he clearly doesn't give a fuck about either of you.

Have to agree with this, too. Sorry for all the comments lol, just trying to help.

If he is playing slot machines / blackjack then i don't think it is matched betting. Matched betting only refers to games where there are odds to pay out, I.e. a football match. You use an online calculator to place certain odds on one team winning, and certain odds on the other team winning. Whoever wins, you get money or get nothing.

This cannot be done with slot machines/ blackjack. It sounds like he has an outright gambling addiction, and he is using your lack of understanding around matched betting to manipulate you into thinking this is what he is doing, so that you think it is risk free.

It would make a lot more sense as to why he is spending so much time doing it, as matched betting doesnt require constant gameplay. You place a bet and thats it. Once the game you are betting on is over, you get paid.

That being said, gambling addictions can be very serious, and as bad as / worse than substance addiction, in some cases. He could do with getting help for it (again, not your responsibility). It would also make sense why he is so preoccupied with that over his family, if it is a gambling addiction. I could be wrong here, but I would seriously take this into consideration.

There was a massive crackdown on matched betting a few years ago, and there is not a chance hes made 40k on that alone in a year. He is just gambling.

Thank you- I needed this- this is what he’s doing then. Because last month was apparently a terrible month and he ‘lost’ hundreds a day, but never truly lost apparently because he managed to get back up to zero. But obviously lost all the time doing it, back to DS, sitting on the family computer into the evening and every weekend until late afternoon.

I’m more worried about the financial side of things to be honest OP. It sounds like your DH has a gambling addiction. There are far better ways to pay for a new oven or holidays.

Any chance of upping your working hours?

Just because he says something it doesn't make it true.

He might say it's his, a court may disagree for the reasons you've outlined.

He sounds so addicted he won't want much contact

Just seen your update. Please get legal advice and file for a divorce asap. Your son will be fine, he has a dedicated mum who puts him first. Best of luck OP.