To tell PIL NO SWEETS

[arainytrip]

I know … they are grandparents so it’s supposed to be their forte but surely it isn’t unreasonable to ask that the children (5 and 2) don’t have sweets like Haribo, Skittles etc? This weekend they came with those popper style things where you load it with sweets and fire them into your mouth (not sure what they are called sorry) which feels like a choke hazard for the two year old. But MIL just hands them straight to the children. My two year old has a very poor appetite as it is so just a few sweets and she won’t eat dinner.

I realise as they get older you can’t police everything but surely a few chocolates or raisins would be better?

I would relax a bit about the sweets but the type of sweets would concern me as a choking risk for the toddler. Ask if they can give a few chocolate buttons instead

Thanks. I feel a bit bad now; I was very irritable because of ds going on and DDs poor eating (today she has eaten a spoonful of porridge, a biscuit - given to her at playgroup - and two bites of chicken and broccoli; needless to say she’s been offered a lot more than this but refused)

I will calm myself down then send a nice message, as I do think it’s a better way of dealing with it and I genuinely have no desire to cause a rift but equally it’s a bit stressful managing it!

Best said in person, comes across as less passive/aggressive.

I think your message should be more direct.

"Lovely to see you, and thank you for the generous spoiling of kiddos as ever. They particularly loved the colouring books (least harmful thing you want to steer them towards). Just to let you know that the gun type sweets are a choking risk, so please don't bring them again. We're really struggling to get little Y to eat at mealtimes at the moment, so we're instigating a no sweets before dinner rule, so please do support us with that and don't show them any sweets you've brought them until after they've finished dinner. I really appreciate your cooperation and any enthusiasm you can show Y for eating just a spoonful of peas would be SO welcome!! See you on Sunday! xxx"

In your message you do need to be super clear about the choking risk being the problem (and being OK with chocolate), as they will take that a lot more seriously than 'no sweets', to which the immediate reaction from a lot of people is "grandparent's prerogative to spoil them/don't you tell me what to do".

It was chocolate buttons, Milky Way buttons or kitkats at that age for mine. Dd1 has allergies to some sweets which meant I got to dictate without sounding like an ogre

Absolutely made me look uptight - but also made them the bad guys which they couldn't cope with.

I reached that point after realising open comms didn't work - I was being silently categorised as a nervy first time mother.

I do still pick battles though. Some sweets or noisy toys, fine. Choking hazards, huge quantities of junk, button batteries or water orbs, firm no.

I am a grandma. I just don't get why it's grandparents forte to be giving kids sweets/ chocolate etc. I purposely decided from day 1 not to do this as it puts parents in an awkward situation having to set guidelines etc l have no interest in stuffing my gd with rubbish and she has never associated me with sweet treats. . I went for colouring stuff/ fancy stickers/ bubbles etc as treats. I tried to keep little surprises in the background when needed but can we give over with the grandma's who can't say no when they never allowed their own kids to eat too much junk.

I think as your issue is the type of sweets and not the sweets, then YNBU. Just have the conversation, I have with my parents and grandparents and each time they was really apologetic. I dont want to play the generation card, but I just dont think they see the danger anymore, they just want to spoil them, as all grandparents do.

You could suggest an alternative, my daughter loves stickers, or colouring books.

Seriously take a beat…

Maybe best if this comes from your DH rather than you. He can phone them or text something along the lines of. We are all looking forward to seeing you at the weekend. If your thinking of buying the kids sweets going forward please would you mind getting them chocolate rather than sweets and a smaller amount and ideally giving them to us to give them as a treat after meals as it ruins there appetite.

I remember my MIL wanted to give my DD a large slice of really rich chocolate cake when she wasn’t even 4 months old and she hadn’t even had any baby rice yet and she got upset and accused me of being mean when I intervened and stopped her.

"oh no, silly granny didn't realise how dangerous those hardboiled sweets / toys with loose button batteries / chewing gum are. Let's give them back to granny for her house."

I can't believe that you'd say that in front of the grandparents. That's absolutely appalling, and if the boot was on the other foot and the grandparent called you "silly mummy" and disparaged you to your children, you'd be incandescent with rage @whatdoyouactuallymean

I’d be concerned about the 2 year old choking. And would tell PIL to give chocolates (buttons) and raisins only.

Sadly the shoe has in fact been on the other foot. Appreciate that reply won't be suitable for a lot of contexts, it was perfect in mine. Loving grandparents that my kids benefit from a relationship with, but also disrespectful of boundaries and conflict averse. Reflecting their behaviour back at them avoided a big blow out, and quickly met my objective. Also nipped phrases like calling me "mean mummy" or "mummy's little rules" in the bud, so double win.

Your rules, your kids,just tell them and don't worry about it.

Pez?

In your message you do need to be super clear about the choking risk being the problem (and being OK with chocolate), as they will take that a lot more seriously than 'no sweets',

That. I'm a grandparent and I'm actually far more wary of choking risk than my daughter is. But my schoolfriend's little sister choked to death, and my MIL's neighbour's toddler choked on a grape and died, so it's a very real risk, to me.

So yes, I'm the one worrying about my grandkids parents giving them Cadbury's mini eggs and pestering them to cut up grapes.

My mil has always fed my kids crap. She does like to undermine me, but she also doesn’t know anything about nutrition and isn’t interested in learning. I suck it up and explain to thr dc that some foods are “Nan’s house” foods and that they are a treat of sorts, although really pot quality and unhealthy

I’m all for healthy eating but the odd sweets now and then are what kids love. Thank god my mum wasn’t as fanatical or overbearing about them.

Poor PILs, I bet they love dealing with DS’s wife 😅

Where is your DH in this? Why in earth is it you and not him that's resolving it?

I always ask-if my kids have their own when they grow up, I will ask the mum or dad, whichever is nearer, just as I do now with friends' kids. I would just check your partner hasn't said it's ok.
Then I would politely say I don't want her to have that because it's a choking issue/sweets aren't advised so young. It's fine to say advice has changed (it has; rules about car seats and what I could eat in pregnancy changed after my first, and I changed what I did) so your PIL should respect that too. Just be polite and gentle as you say it, and they should be fine.

Is there a reason your DH can’t have this conversation with his own mother? Why is it up to you to be the one agonising over messages?

I’d be furious if my 5yo and 2yo were given sweets or chocolate by their grandparents. They all know (and respect!) that we would prefer to avoid these totally for the 2yo, and that the 5yo can only have them at birthday parties.

I agree with others that it’s probably better to broach this in conversation rather than via text message though. Have done similar with MIL regarding mountains of toys! I think as long as you approach the issue kindly and acknowledge their lovely intentions, it won’t be an issue.

I don’t buy DGS (2) sweets. He doesn’t need to be eating them. I’ve got him a little Lindt chocolate bunny and a small Freddo Easter egg for his Easter egg hunt. His parents will probably eat those, though.

So many sweets are choking hazards. It’s marshmallows that scare me most but so many people are unaware of the dangers of them and give them to their toddlers, and little children. It’s frightening.

Not sure why everyone is so relaxed about normalising giving large bags of sugary, choking hazard crap to kids.

Tell them to get stickers, colouring, or craft stuff. Thank them for their understanding, but the sweets are causing problems on days the GPs aren't even around. They're demanding them, and it's causing bad behaviour.

Don't take anything the GPs give off them to eat after dinner though. Of course they'll kick off. And that demonises particular foods, creates the idea that some foods are treats. If a small packet of buttons or whatever is given, it should be at a time of your choosing, as the parent. It's the only way to normalise a balanced, normal diet for your kids for their whole life. It starts here.

Lots of people are suggesting Cadburys chocolate as an alternative, but is it really better quality than Haribo sweets? I can’t imagine it is? 🤔