To tell PIL NO SWEETS

[arainytrip]

I know … they are grandparents so it’s supposed to be their forte but surely it isn’t unreasonable to ask that the children (5 and 2) don’t have sweets like Haribo, Skittles etc? This weekend they came with those popper style things where you load it with sweets and fire them into your mouth (not sure what they are called sorry) which feels like a choke hazard for the two year old. But MIL just hands them straight to the children. My two year old has a very poor appetite as it is so just a few sweets and she won’t eat dinner.

I realise as they get older you can’t police everything but surely a few chocolates or raisins would be better?

Agree - don't message. Talk to them yourself or if they're a bit prickly, get your other half to talk to them.

Does your husband agree with you? It's harder if not.

Totally agree with you on sweets - but not the communication style. Texts automatically read badly when setting boundaries, and give people something to ruminate over. Dropped in to a call or in person catch up is better.

Second, it's your DP who should communicate it. Otherwise you'll be branded the nightmare DIL & ignored.

I wouldn't send it. I would message them the next time they are coming over to say, that you would prefer they didn't give the kids sweets right before lunchtime as it DC won't settle and eat lunch. It will be a nice treat with their pudding. DC really love smarties right now if they see them. Preferably get your husband to send it.

And I would step in and remove the sweets if handed out against your wishes. They've raised their own kids already. Nana forgot - we eat sweets after lunch/naptime/whenever

Nip it in the bud now before they turn up at Easter with their own body weight in crap sweets.

It can also be handy to have some sweets stashed away so you can swap out anything truly dodgy for an alternative. Smarties were my go to as they don't melt as quickly as buttons.

I struggle to see why sweets would put them off meals but chocolate won’t

Do they have any foods local to them that you could direct them to? My MIL used to turn up with gingerbread men from her local cafe which the kids loved.

Preventing your child from choking isn’t a hill you’d die on.

I would just say thank you- let’s put them in the sweet pot for after lunch 🤷🏻‍♀️
And then after lunch steer the children to the chocolate. Then reinforce the positive (to the grandparents!!) DGC loved the chocolates especially, thank you. A chocolate after lunch reminds the of you now….

When PIL come in and hand them straight to the kids it’s hard to do that, especially with the two year old, as it will provoke a huge tantrum.

Yes … I know I’ll be told I just need boundaries and consequences but actually in the real world it would be better if they just didn’t give massive bags of sweets straight to the kids.

I agree. Just mention in conversation that you would rather the kiddos have chocolate over sweets because you worry about choking. It will come across so much better rather than texting.

Any grandparent worth their salt would not be offended if you mention little chocolate bars are better for the kids and appreciated more than the sweets.

I was sat in a Dr's waiting room once with my almost three year old son. An elderly lady was talking to son, she unwrapped a large hard sweet, and handed it to him. I took it away and gave it back, explaining he was too young to have such a large sweet. She took the huff, saying 'well he will never get used to them if you dont let him try them'.

I would prefer them to give the chocolates or whatever to me first but at the moment I’m just trying to get them to stop them giving them sweets. One step at a time 😩

The problem is the next time I see them they will have the sweets ready and hand them over before I can say anything. So I really will have to message.

I think in this instance if they bring sweets every time then regardless of the tantrum which may ensue you need to start setting the expectation that they go in the cupboard to be eaten later.

I think you need more conviction in your instructions to them. They aren’t trying to choke your child, and
obviously don’t feel the sweets are unsafe (I’m not saying they are right), so you saying oh I’m a little
nervous about chocking from that particular sweet makes you sound a bit wet, they’ll still just go for haribo. I don’t mean this as harsh as it may come across written down, but you are the adult here, say what you mean - you don’t want them having sweets or chocolate, so tell them that clearly without room for interpretation. The way you are doing it leaves so much wriggle room for them thinking you are being silly, and you being annoyed no matter what they do. I realise they may ignore you anyway, but I’d still just be clear and direct about your boundaries for your kids.

Personally I let the grandparents give sweets, it’s not like it’s every day, but if that’s not what works for you don’t be afraid of it.

That sounds horrible and not a great choice for their ages !
we used to say no sweets but they could have a treat if chocolate buttons or similar from grandparents

But that isn’t what I want … I don’t mind and kind of expect some chocolates but my priority first is none of the really horrible sweets and second to please wait before handing them to the children.

The first is the most important so I’ll tackle that first. To be honest, I don’t care how I sound … I really was worried about my toddler choking on the sweets and I’m not a nervous parent at all.

My in laws give them loads of crap I wouldn’t and it’s a bit annoying but they give us free childcare at the end of the day. I generally say I would prefer them to have cakes/chocolate/biccies over actual sweets, and they’re happy with that, but I know the get the odd sweetie as well. You need to compromise on these things imo, especially if you want the help.

My own mother on the other hand (the woman who NEVER allowed us to have sweets) is a fucking menace for treats. I tried to pinch one of DDs sweeties and she told me off… so I can’t have them, but they can. I’ll never get over that one.

It definitely hurts if they’re in popper gun things! Who the hell invents these things. DD choked and it was terrifying, if you can’t get it out then there’s nothing you can do really. Not worth the risk!

OP YANBU even without the guns imo

@arainytrip totally agree that sweets are awful. I can’t understand posters saying it’s fine and choose which hill to die on etc. No real advice, sorry, but completely agree with you sweets are not good for lots of reasons at that age!

Huge bag, you are fine to ask for this to stop. One or two (non choking) sweets when they visit on occasion is ok yeah? I guess even that it depends on how many times they visit. If they stay a couple times a week, no way!

Many different types of treats to buy them, not all of them edible.

Yeah that would make more sense to tell them not to give them straight to the kids, rather than not give them at all, ever.

They are your children OP and the sweets sound dangerous and really unsuitable. I'd ask DH to send the message so it's not on you, but I'd want him to be v clear - please don't bring sweets for the children as we don't want them to eat things like that at this age. A small chocolate treat is fine.

I’m with you op.

There is absolutely no need to give such young children sticky sweets. Yes they will probably have them eventually but absolutely no need to encourage it.

If they must give a sugary treat then a pack of buttons or a little fairy cake would be much more suitable.

Unfortunately I had this with my in laws. My dc actually has hyper-mineralisation so I asked in laws please don’t give him sweets.

My stupid fil bought him a big bag of ‘healthy’ haribos and told me they were fine. They argued the toss with my that coke was a suitable drink for a 5 year old. I was told by Fil that I was worse for giving dc baked beans as they are full of sugar.

The final straw was when I found out Fil had been giving dc energy drinks.

I went low contact in the end because I was sick of it amongst many other things.

I’m surprised by how many people think you should just let it go. If you don’t want your children to have sweets then it should be the end of it. Just because grandparents look after your children it doesn’t mean the only way they can treat them is with sweets and chocolates. I was pretty strict with those when my children were little as they loved healthy food, they’d eat so much fruit I didn’t see the need to give them garbage when they didn’t know any different. If I’m ever a grandmother I’ll do as I’m told (within reason)because they are not my children, I don’t get to override my children’s decisions on how they parent!

The sweets you describe are not suitable for such young children. They could choke on them. Ask GPs to buy some Kinder chocolate bars they are small and soft.