To feel sad about decision to not have any more children after PND?

[finefibrecall]

I’m in a bit of a difficult place mentally, and wanted to ask for others’ experience as it’s not something I’ve often seen spoken about.

My DD is nearly 3 and I had awful PND after her birth. I am much better now. Due to my age, if we were to want a second child we would realistically need to start trying in the next year or two. However, the newborn experience first time round was so traumatic that I feel nowhere near ready to have another child.

In some ways, I’m at peace with just having one. My partner and I never envisaged having a big family (we're both only children ourselves), we’d be less stretched financially and I genuinely fear what the repercussions may be (both for myself and my DD/DH) if I were to have a similar experience second time around. I was not a happy, healthy person and my DH had to go through a lot to help me. DD’s care was never an issue, but the personal cost to keep showing up as a mother when I was a shadow of myself was very high.

It feels like it should be an easy decision. Yet it’s this painful bruise I just can’t stop pushing. Despite the difficult beginning, I love my DD so completely and often feel stirred by the prospect of adding another member to our family, getting to know a new wonderful human in the same way.

I suppose I’m not really looking for reasons to have another. But it feels a lonely place to be. I know so many women, and read so many accounts from people, who discuss those early years of parenthood in similar ways to me - the loss of identity, the fatigue, the guilt, the anger - but they go on to have more? And with every new pregnancy announcement I feel this dagger in my side because I wonder how can they do it? And why can’t I do it?

I think I’m attaching having more children to being ‘better’, which I know isn’t right. But I haven’t yet found a space for people who feel compelled to have only one child for their own mental health. Has anyone else felt like this?

I think you just need to learn to live with the mixed feelings and sense of unresolvedness — to recognise that feelings are seldom ‘pure’, and decisions are almost never 100% black and white. You’ve made a responsible decision to prioritise your existing child and your own MH. That you don’t feel 100% secure in that decision is ok. The ‘bruise’ isn’t a sign you made the wrong decision.

I felt exactly the way you've described. After a horrible start to motherhood and the way it mentally destroyed me, I didn't want anymore babies. I didn't want to go through that again and put my daughter through that. There was not one single part of me that wanted another child - the fear was so strong it became an active aversion to the mere thought of having another baby. Looking back, that doesn't feel very healthy to me either.
However, I type this with a 13 month old baby boy falling asleep in my arms. The best decision I've ever made, and the best thing I've ever done for my daughter - providing her with a sibling who she adores.
Thankfully, it's been a completey different experience this time round, and I'm so glad we're here and put our futures on a different path. It took me 7 years though.

If you decide to remain a one child family, that's okay. Do whatever you feel is best for your family. Your mental health is important to everybody.
But also know, it may be different next time if you do change your mind, and it's okay to wait for that until you feel ready.

What I would say, is that two kids are greater than the sum of their parts when it comes to effort and exhaustion levels. Admittedly there's only two years between mine (to the week) but it was hard. And that's without any issues regarding mental health. I am 100% sure I would have destroyed my relationship and not been the mother I wanted to be had I also had bad PND to try and recover from. This is a choice you've made for your family, and it sounds like the right one and one to be proud of.

I have two kids and even though I knew I didn't want more, I still got sad when the baby days were over and wouldn't happen again. I can't now, due to early menopause, so even if I wanted to I couldn't. It makes it easier on a way as it's out of my hands.

Would it be worth talking through your feelings with a therapist. It’s a really complex decision deciding whether to have another child or not after a difficult time first time. It sounds like you pretty much know your decision but aren’t sitting comfortably with it entirely just yet. I was very poorly mentally with my first born and my family fought to keep me at home as I was about to be forced into hospital. They were in my home ready to take me. I did want a second child, but was naturally very concerned about the chance of being mentally ill again. A mental health support team was put in place during the pregnancy and thankfully I was completely well second time round. You have to do what is right for you and your family. No one can know what will happen with subsequent births and it’s understandable not to want to take that risk.

I had PND after my first and was very worried about going for a second baby but it was very different the second time around. My husband and I made a plan to prioritize sleep for me ( I really lost the plot after my first as even when he slept I couldn’t relax but would listen to his little noises and wait for him to wake up again) I put less pressure on myself to fully breast feed ( my husband gave one bottle at 11 ish with the second baby from the 4th week) my mum came to stay for a week most months until I felt I could cope but it also wasn’t such a shock to the system as I was already looking after a toddler and slotting a baby in was much easier than going from 0 to 1. Also due to having a toddler I already had a support network of friends with kids but the first time I felt so lonely as most of my friends hadn’t had a baby yet, it felt very alienating and like my old life had been ripped away and left with this shocking new reality that I couldn’t cope with
This is not to say you should have a second but it was such a fear for me and it actually was much better for me the second time around for multiple reasons.

We are all different but all I can say is havibg the worst, most miserable time feeling the lowest of the low….. I decided to do it again. I was motivated by the personal importance I placed on having a sibling.

Second time round I was prepared. Had a mh midwife from the beginning but most of all, just knowing made it more manageable.

This genuinely helps, thank you.

I'm so pleased you've had a healing experience second time around. If I had time on my side I might be more open to a 'wait-and-see' (or 'wait-and-hope'!) approach, but I'm approaching 40.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so glad you had the right support second time around, it's so important. I've had a full course of therapy since the birth but not in the last year, so it was much more focused on dealing with my current (at the time) mental health rather than the possibility of future children. I was also under the perinatal mental health team for a while. I suppose I could get back in touch with either, but I'm not in crisis and struggle with feelings of guilt around taking up resources.

Thank you for this. I also struggled with postpartum insomnia and there were many, many nights that I didn't get a single second of sleep (in full panic mode, just listening out for DD). Like you say, it makes you lose the plot. I feel like my DH and I have learnt a lot and could put similar methods in place to help lighten the load. But I also worry that the stress of a toddler in a house would counteract those measures. It's just impossible to predict. I'm so happy you had a happier experience with your second.

I really feel for you OP. I feel like I get where you're coming from because I had an awful experience with PND, PPA and insomnia after my son was born. I was so low and sleep-deprived and ill that I truly wanted to die at times. For a long time I was absolutely sure I would never have another.

I did end up having a second baby, in part due to some of the underlying causes of my post-partum experience (unresolved trauma, ADHD etc) being addressed in treatment. But I experience similar feelings of "how do they do it and why couldn't I" when I see women with more children than me, or when I see women who had their children close together in age (I have a fair gap between mine, and couldn't have had them closer together without being very mentally ill).

I think we're fed this relentless vision of motherhood as something deeply fulfilling, with the "ideal" mother being one with a crowd of children about her, beatifically sailing over the chaos and finding her true purpose in caring for little ones. There is SO much social media noise about perfect parenting, where we're fed a highlights reel of gorgeous young mothers wafting around their huge homes with toddlers scampering about their feet. It can make it feel like if you're not living up to that vision, you're less of a mother, or your family doesn't count.

The reality is, of course, so much messier and deeper and more intense and more vulnerable than that. Motherhood is motherhood whether you have one child or five. Finding something hard is no indication of whether or not you're meant for it, and you are the best mother for your little girl.

This may always be a bruise, as you so vividly describe it. It's hard not to imagine the path not taken. But to me, it sounds like you have made brave and loving choices for the good of your family. That truly is what good mothers do.

First of all I’m so sorry you struggled with PND after the birth of your first baby.

You are not alone in your feelings.

I would suggest therapy over the next 3-6 months and revisiting the situation in 6 months time. You need to weigh up the risk of going through PND again vs living with the decision to stop at one child.

You are no less of a mother for having one child and there are a lot of pros to having one child. It is understandable and quite sensible not to rush into another baby or have another baby and put yourself and your existing DD first. I hope you know that makes you a brilliant mum. Having 1 child can still be just as magical as having 3. You are no less of a mum.

It took me some time to come to terms with getting pregnant again after previous losses, HG and a stressful pregnancy and PND with my first. He was in the nicu for a bit and the first year was quite tragic on my mental health.

I am now pregnant again but this time round getting help sooner to prevent PND and because I’ve had it before I know about the signs, I’ve reached out early and I do hope that helps when baby girl is here.

Whatever your decision, remember you don’t have to rush into it and can give yourself 6-12 months to decide. Whatever your decision I recommend reaching out for therapy. Best of luck OP xx

Maternal mental health is one of the biggest factors impacting on your child's wellbeing. I don't say this to kick anyone who is down or struggling with their mental health. I say it to emphasise that making a decision to prioritise your mental wellbeing is a sensible, responsible, un-selfish decision to make for the child that already exists in your life.

It's ok to feel conflicted about that too, and if you do want to access mental health support/talking therapies then you shouldn't feel bad about making an enquiry. If you don't qualify they'll let you know, and if you do qualify then you can access the support you need, you aren't taking it away from someone else.

You’re not failing by not having another. Please don’t think that. Try and reframe it that you’re making an extremely sensible decision based on past events.

I’m sure there are people who had a different experience second time around but also lots who have massively struggled - again.

in fact I only saw a thread yesterday from someone who wishes they stuck at 1 child.

Anyway I stopped at 1 for very similar reasons to yourself. I was completely overwhelmed, very minimal family support. I just knew I couldn’t do it again.

11 years on and I don’t regret it. I’m a MUCH better mum to 1 child than I would have been to 2.

I did, very much. When my son was 11, I started to foster babies. When he was 13, I adopted two of my foster children.

It worked for me (us- new husband!), but I knew I couldn’t risk those feelings of absolute despair, so could never have gone through pregnancy again.

I could have written this.
I have a six yo. I had dreadful perinatal depression and struggled with insomnia. I’m forty now.
I really struggled with the decision not to have more. We even tried for a few months but nothing happened and I decided to stop.
I knew I needed to go back on medications that are not recommended for ttc/ pregnancy because that’s what worked for me in the past.
I am a lot better now and honestly what made it easier was accepting that the decision was made. The horrible feeling of time running out, the guilt…that was the worst part. Now it’s gone I feel so much better just having accepted things as they are. I actually think that urge was not coming from anything other than hormones addling my brain tbh.
When I look back I can really see how ill I actually was and even though I denied it down to the ground thinking I hid it from dd, there is damage there that needs to be repaired.
She is very highly strung like me and I need all my strength and energy to be the best parent to her. To be calm so she looks at me and knows everything is ok. And to be able to enjoy her childhood and build our relationship. I missed out on so much in the first few years. The urge to do it over again probably comes in part from a desire to “correct” that, to do it right this time. But the way to correct it is to focus on being the best mother you can be to the one you already have.

I just remembered that I saw a therapist and she helped me so much in being able to move forward with a second pregnancy
one thing I remember vividly was saying to her that I had failed my (1st) son as I had cried and been miserable for so much of his first year and she told me she had never seen a happier 2 year old - he was secure/happy and cared for and I had not failed and it lifted a huge weight off my heart as I was so worried about the impact on him and his potential future sibling
sometimes having an external person point things out is really helpful

I am totally relate to this as I’ve been there but please don’t assume your experience will be the same second time round. I had postnatal psychosis after my first son in 2020, I’d suffered 4 miscarriages previously then was doing daily injections when pregnant with him and having lots of scans, all during COVID which definitely contributed to my ridiculously high anxiety and chronic insomnia. I was sectioned into a mother and baby unit for 6 weeks and when I came out discovered I was 20 weeks pregnant! Massive shock but second time round it was beautiful and so different.

good luck in whatever you decide, history doesn’t have to repeat itself

I am in much the same situation… daughter is nearly 3, I’m nearly 40…time seems to be running out and I know it’s a now or never situation.
I know I can’t have another because of how much I am still struggling mentally but every now and again I think “what if”. I know that by struggling so much the decision has already been made for me even if I sometimes struggle to accept it.
Maybe I’d have an easier time but there’s no guarantee and I cannot risk it. It would break us all and it would ruin the bond I have with my daughter. That’s something I’m not willing to risk.

All that to say- you are not alone, we are out here. It’s not always easy to accept but sometimes things happen for a reason. I always wanted 2 and I think I’ll always have that at the back of my mind. But such is life.
Enjoy the family you have now :)

Thank you for such a kind response. Your experience really resonates, especially "I was so low and sleep-deprived and ill that I truly wanted to die at times." When that's the battle you're facing, but everyone you know is going on to have more children, it feels like you're existing in some alternative universe of motherhood to everyone else.

I'm really glad that treatment helped you onto a different path, and appreciate your honesty.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and getting that support in early. I wish you all the very best.

@HighJapes @NormasArse @LemonAir Sorry to tag you collectively but I wanted to say a huge thank you for sharing your experiences.

As gladdened as I am to hear positive stories from mothers who went on to have more, I think also hearing from those who stopped at one is important to me right now. I remember telling myself when DD was young 'I didn't know it would be like this, I didn't know it would be like this', But if I went on to have another, and had the same experience, I don't know it I could forgive myself.

To know that you made that decision for yourself, and that it still feels right for you, genuinely means a lot.

It sounds like we're in a similar place (and very similar ages/aged children). I'm so sorry that's been your experience too. It just feels a bit of a struggle either way doesn't it? But the risk feels too high, despite the temptation of 'what if?'. Thank you for sharing and enjoy that beautiful bond with your daughter x

It’s such a difficult decision. My husband didn’t want a second anyway so I knew from the outset that chances of a second were slim to none and depended on him changing his mind. But also I couldn’t have predicted how much I would struggle with my mental health even now, 3 years on. I’m also 42 now. So rationally, I know that it’s not going to happen. I love my daughter so much, she’s happy and thriving and we have a great bond. I think I’m mostly at peace with not having more. But it’s like a knife in the heart when someone I know announces a second pregnancy and I spend several days obsessing, imagining the what ifs, naming my new baby in my head, picturing myself taking care of him/her, getting the things right that I got wrong first time round. I actually don’t think I’ll ever fully let go and move on. There will always be things that might trigger these feelings. I just have to live with them. It can be incredibly painful and isolating, and add in the guilt I feel when people casually talk about how children need siblings. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer but I do hope that you can find some kind of peace with your decision.