To feel sad about decision to not have any more children after PND?

[finefibrecall]

I’m in a bit of a difficult place mentally, and wanted to ask for others’ experience as it’s not something I’ve often seen spoken about.

My DD is nearly 3 and I had awful PND after her birth. I am much better now. Due to my age, if we were to want a second child we would realistically need to start trying in the next year or two. However, the newborn experience first time round was so traumatic that I feel nowhere near ready to have another child.

In some ways, I’m at peace with just having one. My partner and I never envisaged having a big family (we're both only children ourselves), we’d be less stretched financially and I genuinely fear what the repercussions may be (both for myself and my DD/DH) if I were to have a similar experience second time around. I was not a happy, healthy person and my DH had to go through a lot to help me. DD’s care was never an issue, but the personal cost to keep showing up as a mother when I was a shadow of myself was very high.

It feels like it should be an easy decision. Yet it’s this painful bruise I just can’t stop pushing. Despite the difficult beginning, I love my DD so completely and often feel stirred by the prospect of adding another member to our family, getting to know a new wonderful human in the same way.

I suppose I’m not really looking for reasons to have another. But it feels a lonely place to be. I know so many women, and read so many accounts from people, who discuss those early years of parenthood in similar ways to me - the loss of identity, the fatigue, the guilt, the anger - but they go on to have more? And with every new pregnancy announcement I feel this dagger in my side because I wonder how can they do it? And why can’t I do it?

I think I’m attaching having more children to being ‘better’, which I know isn’t right. But I haven’t yet found a space for people who feel compelled to have only one child for their own mental health. Has anyone else felt like this?

Would it help assuage your feelings if you thought about it akin to something having gone physically wrong after the birth of your baby? If medical advice was that it could put your physical health at serious risk to have another, then you probably wouldn’t consider it. You would be sad about it, but not take the risk. Is this similar? I know people are sharing their experiences of it being very different the second time around, but presumably that isn’t always the case?

I should also add OP, of the six couples in our NCT group (over 10 yrs ago) only two had another child. The remaining four actively chose to stop at one. Over 1/3 (probably slightly more) of my child’s class at school are only children. Several of our friends (couples) have also stopped at one. It’s incredibly common these days.

Lets face is, life is frenetic, tough and stressful especially for women who are often working full time whilst juggling a multitude of other things.

if you’re anything like me and need peace and a bit of solitude, trying to carve out time for yourself is hard enough with one child. I also feel maxed out facilitating my child’s social life, activities and helping/ supporting with school work etc.

I know millions of people have more than 1 and that’s great, I admire people who can hack it and remain happy and content but that just isn’t me and I don’t think that’s you either. Yes I sometimes feel a pang of guilt that my child doesn’t have a sibling BUT he also rather enjoys having our full attention, not having to compete. There’s also no guarantee that it will be a harmonious sibling relationship. There’s also people I know with more than one are quick to reveal how much the kids argue and the parents just seem generally frazzled.

FWIW I think your daughter will flourish as an only child and I really think you will too.

You’re very welcome, @finefibrecall
There are lots of benefits to having one dc in terms of looking after your mental health as they get older too. I hated the idea at first but honestly, I love the space and freedom I get. When dd is out, at school/ activities, a birthday party, play date etc, I get to switch off and spend that time on myself. Very slowly I started to want to do things I used to enjoy again- writing, reading, music, crafts or even just painting my nails. I finally feel like myself again. I now think, I don’t know when or if I ever would have gotten here if I had another. I’ve also had time to work on my relationship and now we are better than ever after a very rocky few years. It’s honestly so much better for kids to have a healthy, happy mum that enjoys their time together than a sibling.