Friend and weight issues

[Imdonewithsergio]

NC due to nature of post.

My friend and I have known each other since nursery. She has a child who has just turned 8 in the last few weeks. He has a developmental delay, is non verbal, autistic and still in nappies. He is obese- he wears large mens clothing. At that, she offered my husband a jacket last week that her son had grown out of. He has been assessed by various healthcare professionals, has ongoing input from dietitian etc and has no underlying issues causing his weight issues. It is purely down to diet and exercise levels- which are obviously managed by friend. His weight impacts on his mobility, he is very slowed as a result and can no longer get in/out a bath even with her help. Despite input from professionals, she refuses to acknowledge that this is an issue and claims it’s puppy fat.

She is also obese. Her BMI is the 50’s, she has to use a mobility scooter to get out and about on holiday. Uses a walking stick day to day. She can’t keep up with her son now at all. She has been diagnosed with hypertension and type 2 diabetes in the last few months. She is still in her 30’s.

She has very little support- her mother died when she was in her teens. Her father has no contact with her. She has no contact with her child’s father. She does have her aunt who stays nearby but her aunt cares full time for her 86 year old mother who has dementia and cannot help much. Her aunt isn’t in good health, herself either and is in her late 60’s.

Her son is increasingly aggressive and difficult to manage. The school currently have two members of staff with him at all times. I have a large family and 2 autistic children. I had offered to babysit to let her go to the doctors over Christmas when she became unwell, it was horrendous and her son smashed up one of my kitchen chairs. I genuinely don’t think I could safely look after him while I have my own baby there and my toddlers, before even factoring in my own autistic children. She has asked me to babysit this weekend to let her go to a birthday meal for a friend but I’ve had to say no and she seems upset. I do realise that day to day it must be so difficult for my friend to manage though. Social work have offered her respite care but she said she would just feel guilty using it.

We were talking today and she was upset because she had spoken to her GP earlier, for a review of her medication. She has been referred for weight management but has refused to engage. Her GP has said to her that she needs to consider the fact her son has complex needs, she doesn’t have much support and that she needs to look after herself as he needs her. She has took great offence to this and thinks she is being fatshamed. I haven’t replied to her text yet because I agree with the GP. While I understand her circumstances will affect her mood, which affects her motivation to lose weight- I do think she needs to do more to get herself well for her son’s sake. But I don’t know how to word it without upsetting her. I don’t want to lose her friendship as she is such a nice person but I do think both her weight and her little boy’s weight is getting to a point where something needs to change or the consequences will be dire. Am I just being a d*ck though ?

She won't want to hear your true opinion. So best to stick to a generic 'Gosh that must have been tough to hear'. Then you're sympathising but no saying you disagree with the dr.

I don't understand why people are offended by it. The poster did say it was from chatgpt . Im sure they read it and thought that seems like good advice. I sometimes cant put things into writing well. So I tell chatgpt what I want to say and it tidys it up for me. Makes it more readable. Better structure.

I mean maybe it is. But I’d probably agree and say, yes BMI is outdated, I think either bodyfat % or waist measurement is more useful.

She knows she is overweight but not sure she will listen. I might be inclined to say something along the lines of - at a certain point carrying too much bodyfat can affect someone’s healthy which is why the GP is worried.

BMI isnt a load of shit for her though is it?

People love to slag off the BMI measurements and quote rugby players and ballerinas. Those people are outliers. For the vast majority of us its a useful tool for taking into account age, ethnicity and bone structure.
There is a fairly vast range of weight for each height, age and ethnicity.

Its the narrative that BMI is shit that allows people to hold on to this denial, you see it on threads all the time on this site alone.

Her BMI shows how dangerously obese she is, morbidly obese. As the surgeon said to me 'you're a ticking time bomb'.

BMI has its limits but it's fair to say most people with high BMIs aren't that way because of their athletic training and impressive muscles.

I think though that 'doing great' is relative. And I'm sorry but I think any woman who's single parenting a young kid with complex needs without any real support system in place who hasn't lost her head IS doing great.

That doesn't mean perfect, it just means good considering what's on her plate .

@CoastalCalm there may well be issues with the mum being able to see the issues with weight and diet. But this is also a child with very complex needs and managing food and diet can, for some children, be extremely difficult and there are quite a number of children with complex needs who are significantly more likely to be obese as a result. It may not be completely down to poor parenting in this case and if it were, social services would have been going down the abuse/ neglect route already given that they're involved. I'm not sure where the win for anyone would be in prosecuting this woman can you? Least of all her child?

She doesn't need you to say or do anything, because no one whose weight affects them to a debilitating extent isn't aware that they need to lose weight. The potential reasons why she won't/can't are many and varied, but ultimately don't change the reality, which is that if being unable to function as she used to and watching her son go that same way hasn't prompted change, nothing you say will.

I had to become so miserable and fucked off that I couldn't bear living like that for another moment before I made a change, and the change had to be driven by me.

I would use something similar to the chatgbt but make it a verbal conversation. Drugs like WLI seem tailor made for her, it will literally take her appetite away and the weight loss will be slow due to her lack of activity but consistent.

I would frame it as worth engaging to see if it would be signed off. What happens to her son if she were to pass away suddenly or be permanently incapacitated? You could bring up how worried you are about your own children given their autism but you need to be clear that there is no way you could also look after her son.

Please do not do this, she has not asked you to care for her child if she died, and you simply cannot say that to her. Good grief.

It would be mental and inappropriate for OP to pretend there is any concern that a random friend will has to care for a high needs child if mum drops dead. What is wrong with you?!

Sorry… but do you have a lot of friends who abuse their children? And you’d twist yourself in knots to avoid upsetting or offending them? Because I don’t tend to have friends who abuse their kids and I don’t really care if they feel offended 🤷‍♀️

Well, its not such a stretch given that rather than use respite, she asked OP to 'baby sit'. I say 'baby sit' like that because thats not baby sitting when a child has such complex and severe needs as it sounds like, its care

So she needed some care respite. Who is going to provide that if either, mum wont agree to respite arrangements as they currenty stand or mum cannot care for her child for whatever reason, long term?

She could be both.

It is unlikely she is as unaware as you think. She's just not in a place where she is ready to sort things out. Took me about 20 years. Nothing in particular happened - I just decided the time was right. I am now 4 stone down with 3 more to go. You sound like a fab friend. She will be grateful for your non judgemental support.

Realistically can she actually lose weight?
She has next to no support network, the OP has said that she, an experienced parent of ND kids, cant manage his behaviour. Her world is already very small.
i have friends with children who present with behaviour which challenges others. First they stop being able to go to groups, birthday parties, parks, soft plays, shops. They literally cant go anywhere with their child. All you have is the four walls in which you live. You get very very low, especially seeing all the other parents on SM. It feels like a kind of grief, I think.
Do some posters miss all the stories about mums taking their lives and killing their own disabled children? 80 % of parents of severely disabled children have been to the GP with depression and suicidal thoughts.
Id eat myself into oblivion if I was her. Because what else is there to do? What other reward can I access for all the shit? Spa day? No. Date night? No. Holiday in centre parts? Nope.

If it had to be a message I'd just say 'I'm so sorry, that's shit. Are you sure you couldn't consider the respite care? It's not taking the piss, it would give you a break which you need and deserve so much and we could do something fun, relaxing, whatever you need while X is with a carer.'

I don't believe she's abusing her child, I believe she's struggling with a very complex child in a very complex life and, as a result, not able to be a great mum in all areas (I'm sure she is in many areas). Her mental health must be poor and food is such a complicated coping mechanism. You know it's destroying you but at the same time it's keeping you going (there's a reason why people call it the drug of choice for women with dependents).

I don't believe it would be beneficial for you to say anything either. She already knows. I have the opposite problem. I stop eating and become significantly underweight when I'm stressed or anxious. Nothing anybody says about being worried or health issues etc makes any difference. I already know it's bad and I already know how to change it. But my brain won't 'let' me until I'm in a better place mentally and then it becomes very do-able all of a sudden.

It sounds like, for your friend, her life never becomes 'do-able' and she needs friendship - that's all - from you.

This, I think realistically most people living long term in these sort of difficult circumstances will need some sort of outlet to keep going. This is why I think if OP is going to push anything it should be accepting respite rather than pushing weight loss.

This is so true.

And unlike other neglectful parents with addictions (because unfortunately she is one even by default and not intending to be), she isnt on drink and drugs whereby she causes carnage with her neighbours or out of the street or she's out nicking cars or beating people up.

Very quietly and alone she is muddling through and no one sees it, its all behind closed doors.

This is why the respite is so important and I think needs to beh focus for OP if she is going to offer any challenge or support or advice. Not the weight.

I haven't RTFT, so apologies if this has been said before.

The obesity (hers and the kid's) is obviously a big issue. But I don't think it's THE issue in this situation.

The biggest issue is the son's special needs. He is 8 years old and already strong and difficult to control. Ultimately I suspect he will need to be in residential care sooner rather than later, because one parent (even a fit and healthy parent) would not be able to handle him and care for him adequately. It would be borderline even with two parents.

Obviously the mother should be accessing the respite care. This is not just for her sake. It's to help him get used to different environments and carers. Even if the mother turns super-healthy, and overhauls her son's diet and exercise as well, the residential care is STILL in the pipeline and on the way, as the son gets older and stronger and harder to manage. The obesity problem is just speeding up that journey and making life harder for everyone in the meantime.

Hello everyone- I wanted to post an update as it’s been a few days. I’ve been incredibly busy with an unwell little one so not had a chance.

Her aunt actually spoke with her before I got a chance to respond to her properly. She had spoken to her aunt about the discussion with her GP and her aunt told her that she needs to consider what will happen to her son if anything were to happen to her. Her aunt pointed out that they had needed seatbelt extenders while going on holiday a few months back- and that her son’s weight must be well beyond the point of puppy fat for him to have needed this.

She called me afterwards, understandably distressed and embarrassed. She plans on trying the weight management service via the GP but still isn’t comfortable with respite. I decided not to pile on her with all my concerns but instead to not play down her aunts points, as these seemed to give her a bit of a shake.

It's not as cut & dried as that though......

Do you or do yoyr friends have children that are severely disabled with very complex needs ,its very easy to judge when you will never be in thst position yourself
The disabled young man will already hsve a lot of professionals involved due to his needs .

What does she have against respite?

Absolutely this. "trusttheawsomeness" is being very black and white (and shallow.....🙄

I think she sees it as her handing him over to strangers.