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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mum right?

52 replies

ellie09 · 09/03/2026 12:26

Hi all

I have a partner I am marrying in July and a son aged 9 with my ex husband.

Mothers Day is coming up, so I have obviously went and got my mum presents and my partner vice versa.

Before living with DP, my mum had took DS out to pick out a couple of things for me for mothers day and a card, but had stopped this because she said that my DP should really be doing this now.

Last year, I had to remind him to take out DS and DS had asked could he use his pocket money to buy me something (I refused and gave him a tenner) - my mum has said it should have been DP coughing up a small amount rather than me.

This year, DS hasn't brought it up, so I have simply let it be. No cards in the house, no small token as a gift. I dont even want to bring it up at this stage and just take the card he makes at school as my gift.

DS's dad absolutely despises me, so wont take his son out for me, but does go all put for his girlfriend - as shes "step mum".

My mum says its now up to my DP to do something - even if its something very small.

Its made me think about it more, and it would be nice to feel a bit appreciated and I may feel a bit deflated on mothers day waking up to not even a small token of appreciation

OP posts:
Ohyeahitsme · 09/03/2026 13:58

Yeah, this is for your partner to do now.

My friends husband died and the next 2 mothers day I took her kids and sorted out mothers day and birthday gifts with them. Then her new partner took over.

toomuchfaff · 09/03/2026 14:04

DS's dad absolutely despises me, so wont take his son out for me, but does go all put for his girlfriend - as shes "step mum".

Your ex does it for his new partner who isnt a blood relative to your child; yet your partner doesnt for you... its seems to me that your ex thinks more of their partner and their role as step mum than your chap does about your role as mum. Does he consider himself as yoyr childs step dad? because if you marry him, thats his role, and doing the Mother's day thing us usually dads place (step)

Where else is your future husband not stepping up as a husband and father?

Forgotthebins · 09/03/2026 14:05

I would sit DP down and say “as we go into this blended family situation here are some of the things I would expect, Mothers Day is an example, is this in line with how you think we will interact as a new unit and if not, can we discuss because these acts of being noticed matter to me.”

Don’t write him off unless it reveals that you are really poorly matched. I’m rubbish at Valentines Day for example though I’ve tried to get better because it matters to DH. I’m glad he didn’t get advice to dump me the first time I cocked up or even the third.

Original poster
ellie09 · 09/03/2026 14:10

Just as an update, 9 year old DS had additional needs and has ASD, it isnt as simple as letting him go into a shop on his own. He needs lots of guidance on etiquette/social situations and help with spelling/handwriting as he has mild intellectual disability.

He would need someone to accompany him to a shop etc. It also probably wouldn't cross his mind about MD unless prompted by someone else, as he is still learning appropriate social cues etc.

I would be happy with a homemade card (I know he will do one at school etc).

I will see how it pans out at the weekend. At the moment, DP says he's planning a trip to see his mum on Saturday so he very well could be getting something - I will give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 09/03/2026 14:17

I would take him out for an ice cream or something on Sunday just the 2 of you spend some time together on mothers day, if he isn't able to manage.

BookArt55 · 09/03/2026 14:26

Sit your partner down and talk to him about it.
Your son is 9 and should be asking for support. He needs to think about how to shower you with love also.
Your ex... I have one that despises me also. So I understand.
If partner doesn't show up, then I think you need to see how much this matters to you... if he can't make you feel special in the way you like then it's time to have a rethink.
I'm a single mum, my mum does help when she can. This Mother's day she is poorly, so I let my kids go round the shop while I step back and then I'm not allowed to look at what they buy or in the bag... I give them cash to buy it. They love it and feel really special. They wrap it, they love taking on the responsibility. My eldest is 7, so your 9 year old coukd do that. If you don't have an adukt that will step up to support your son, teach your son. But yes, your partner shouldn't need asked, he should just be a thoughtful human being!

StandingDeskDisco · 09/03/2026 15:02

You are marrying the man, so you need to be able to communicate clearly.
Communication is everything in a marriage.

Sit him down and spell it out - DS needs his help for mother's day.
And while you are on the topic, you expect a bit of a fuss and treat on your birthday and anniversary as well.

Not everyone bothers much with these 'special' days, so if they are important to you, you have to tell him clearly what you want and expect.
He is not a mind reader, so don't set him a test that he might fail that he doesn't even know about.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 09/03/2026 15:17

Agree!

But if your DS needs help... why not take him shopping the two of you the day before, have an ice cream and give him some funds to get something as you look around togetther.. basically just a nice day out together and have plans for the Sunday too as it sounds like your DP will not be around then either.

Terfedout · 09/03/2026 15:54

I am a bit torn on this one tbh. It would be nice for your partner to do this. However I don't actually think it's his responsibility to.

Moonnstarz · 09/03/2026 16:20

For those saying about getting a card from school, not all schools do this, especially when they are 9 years old. Usually only KS1 do this where I work.

I agree with your mum that your partner, who will be step dad to your son, should be more involved. I assume you live together if you are meant to be getting married this year? Does he not get involved at all with your son otherwise? To me this would be the bigger issue and I would see him as not accepting your son as part of the family and I wouldn't be marrying him.

properidiot · 09/03/2026 16:34

I don't think your DP should be expected to get you a gift tbh. He may not even have thought about it - and if you have to prompt him and cajole him, then is it really worth it? - the gift won't have any special meaning if that's the case.

I'd suggest being upfront about it with something like; 'Great it's Mother's Day on Sunday, let's the three of us go out for a walk to the country park and we can get a nice piece of cake and a drink'. Sometimes you have to accept the other people just don't think the same as we do and little things that matter to us don't matter to other people. Take the bull by the horns and organise your own lovely day.

And I think you should probably stop discussing your relationship with your Mum too. I think sometimes people overshare with their children but you can also overshare with your parents too. Your Mum could get an idea about your DP not being very nice or supportive to you - and unless this is a fact, I wouldn't want to feed her a false narrative just because he doesn't 'get' Mother's Day. Is he usually thoughtless? Does he make a fuss of you in other areas of life?

DappledThings · 09/03/2026 16:38

I would be happy with a homemade card (I know he will do one at school etc).
Job done then surely? You know he will make a card at school and you're happy with that. What is there for your partner to do?

Giddykiddy · 09/03/2026 16:42

I buy a mother's day card for my DD and your mum should as well as your DP sorting it out. I used to buy a father's day card for DD to post to her ( awful) father even though he was dreadful during our divorce until she was 18 - at that point she ceased sending them

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 09/03/2026 17:42

If DP has never had kids & had to do this before, it probably wouldn't occur to him.

If DM gets on well with him, perhaps a tactful message that she won't be doing it any more & it's up to him now.

BauhausOfEliott · 09/03/2026 18:20

ellie09 · 09/03/2026 14:10

Just as an update, 9 year old DS had additional needs and has ASD, it isnt as simple as letting him go into a shop on his own. He needs lots of guidance on etiquette/social situations and help with spelling/handwriting as he has mild intellectual disability.

He would need someone to accompany him to a shop etc. It also probably wouldn't cross his mind about MD unless prompted by someone else, as he is still learning appropriate social cues etc.

I would be happy with a homemade card (I know he will do one at school etc).

I will see how it pans out at the weekend. At the moment, DP says he's planning a trip to see his mum on Saturday so he very well could be getting something - I will give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

Surely if he makes you a card at school, that's enough? I appreciate a gift is nice but a card he's made himself is the best thing to get from a kid, I'd have thought?

Silverbirchleaf · 09/03/2026 18:26

I’m a bit torn as well.

Part of me thinks it’s a nice tradition that your mum and dc go out together to go and buy something for, and I guess they’ve been doing this for several years.

Katie0909 · 09/03/2026 18:27

Are you sure they haven't discussed it and planned something in secret? It's still 5 days away so a lot could happen before Sunday.

Mydoglovescheese · 09/03/2026 18:34

As a side issue, what happens about Fathers Day, who buys for your DS dad?

user2848502016 · 09/03/2026 18:39

Difficult one, I think as DS is 9 and asking to spend his own money then on the whole your DP is being a dick not just taking him to the shops. But then your mum could also just as easily take him so she is being unreasonable too.
I would be concerned about your DP being this thoughtless before you’re even married though, is he usually like this? Maybe that’s what your mum is worried about

Nattyz1256 · 09/03/2026 19:00

No one is obligated to do anything for you on Mother's Day (which isn't a holiday nor anything special imo)

You are a biological mother everyday, I hope that you are loved and appreciated by your loved ones every day.

So someone has to gift you, in order for you to feel loved??

Are you one of those people who just want to show off gifts, and brag on social media and perhaps irl?

It doesn't have to be a particular day for you to get the material items you desire.

I find many the people who get upset about these things, don't have good nor any relationship with their kids, and spouses...and they just want to fake "it" for the world..also, they feel entitled.

If it is important to you, treat yourself to something. Celebrate yourself.

Please do not bring the topic of you not receiving anything up in your household, nor to any of your loved ones.

VividPinkTraybake · 09/03/2026 19:04

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 09/03/2026 17:42

If DP has never had kids & had to do this before, it probably wouldn't occur to him.

If DM gets on well with him, perhaps a tactful message that she won't be doing it any more & it's up to him now.

Thank you for a rational take on this, unlike the others who are baging for the end of a relationship over it.

Different story if he has refused or belittled the o.p wanting this but as far as the original post he just hasn't done it, probably because the o.p's mum has always done it and he doesn't want to overstep.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/03/2026 19:12

Gosh it would be nice if either your Mum or you DP wanted to help your son make you feel appreciated on Mother’s Day! As in, didn’t resent doing it and want to pass the buck.

That said, I don’t really care about Mother’s Day- my kids are 17 and 12 and they might get me something or they might not - the 17 yo will if she remembers but I don’t really care. And I mean that honestly - it actually isn’t important to me as I know both kids care. The 12 yo is going to be out overnight hiking with the Scouts 😂

I have got something for my Mum.

When I wanted a fuss was when my children were really little, so in particular 0-5 age, and still slightly for a bit after that. What I wanted most of all was a lie in! A card and some daffs, maybe going out for lunch or tea would be nice but really the lie in was what I wanted most. Could my exh facilitate that? Could he bollocks.

CoralOP · 09/03/2026 19:46

Don't just wait and see what happens. Your DP has never done it before and hasn't been made aware that your mum now thinks he should do it, he's destined to fail.
Tell him your mum isn't doing it now and can he help your son pick something.
I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with this but if he does then he's not a very nice person.

Newyearawaits · 09/03/2026 20:51

I disagree with your mum.
Why can't she continue the tradition?
What's the big deal?

BIossomtoes · 09/03/2026 20:53

Newyearawaits · 09/03/2026 20:51

I disagree with your mum.
Why can't she continue the tradition?
What's the big deal?

It’s not a tradition and it’s not her job. There’s another adult to do it now.

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