To not want to tell anyone about my pregnancy?

[ripleynot]

I am 12 weeks pregnant. I have my NHS dating scan at the end of this week at 13 weeks. We haven’t told anyone I’m pregnant yet - including our families and mothers. It was always my intention to keep it private until after the NHS scan, we also had a private NIPT (which has just come back all clear) so I wanted to wait until after everything seemed to be progressing well. We’ve had baby and pregnancy loss in our immediate families and I really didn’t want to put myself or our mothers through trauma with regards to an early miscarriage or a TFMR.

Now everything is looking good and we have no reason to believe that I won’t have a positive scan (I’ve had a couple of private scans that are progressing well). The plan had been to drive to tell my Mother that day, and to tell my husband’s parents later that week. We’ve been thinking of fun ways to tell them, been excited that we won’t have to lie anymore (I speak to my Mother everyday so it’s been strange keeping it a secret).

But now the time is approaching I feel like I don’t want to tell anyone. I love our parents but they are the kind of people who will have opinions and ask questions. So far it’s just been my husband and I and I feel like suddenly I (and this pregnancy) is about to become public property. It makes me feel anxious and irritated and I just don’t know whether I can handle it.

Has anyone else felt like this? Would I be unreasonable to keep it private for longer? How do I get over this feeling? I feel completely alien compared to the people I know and see who phone their families before the pee is dry on the test.

It’s entirely up to you

I love our parents but they are the kind of people who will have opinions and ask questions.

How dare they.

The utter caring bastards.

It's up to you but you're going to have the longest pregnancy in the world if you're stressing over simply telling your mums.

When would you plan to tell people if not now? I don't think you can conceal your pregnancy from family for too long. I understand the anxiety though - it's a big thing, and it makes it real, and yes, it goes from something private to something public and maybe that feels overwhelming.

Would you consider sending a Whatsapp or phone announcement to break the ice so you don't feel the anticipation of telling them in person?

Yanbu at all - for me it was the worst part of pregnancy. I just wanted the whole world to leave me alone

Give yourself another few weeks but you will start to show soon. It sounds like you are having a bit of trouble processing it all and that's ok. For you it's a pregnancy and your body but remember this will be a new little human who forms part of the family and its normal for parents to fuse and see it as their new grandchild. They will love this baby and that's natural and important for the baby's well being.

I don’t mean “how have you been feeling?” (Although they will ask that).

I mean questions like, “why aren’t you moving house?” or “what hospital are you giving birth at?” and “how much maternity leave will you take?” And they’ll have opinions on all of those things which will almost certainly differ from mine. I am not in the wrong for finding that level of input overstepping.

@hazelnutvanillalatte I am wondering if soft launching the announcement might be feel less overwhelming for me.

@ohfourfoxache thank you - I’m sorry you also felt this but glad to not be the only one!

I think the thing is for me right now this feels more like a medical thing that’s happening to me than a “new member of the family” for everyone to love.

I very much felt like this with both my pregnancies and really just wanted to be left alone and not have people regularly asking for updates. I despise being the centre of attention and having people fuss, and I get very uncomfortable with big emotional reactions from other people. I would have very gladly kept the whole thing completely private until the babies arrived had I been able to! However, I accept that this is probably an unusual way to feel and that family were of course just caring and excited

"Thinking of fun ways to tell them"

"Soft launching the announcement"

I know your baby is 100% the most important thing in the world to you, but I think you might need to be careful what you wish for in that you might be disappointed if they actually DON'T react in the way you're dreading they might.

Tell them when you're ready but I wouldn't keep overthinking it or tying yourself up in knots.

If the worst was to happen wouldn’t you want the support of your family?
I told my parents right away with my first, but waited until 12 weeks with my second, I was 42 and had some bleeding and thought we’d just wait a bit. But as soon as that point passed I couldn’t wait to tell my parents. But then they were respectful and other than my father not liking the name we chose and referring to my unborn baby by his I referred name a few times they did not overwhelm us with anything. But they were delighted, excited and supportive - I couldn’t imagine holding back from sharing such good news.

@Naws not sure what you mean, sorry?

@mondaytosunday honestly if something had happened in the first trimester we wouldn't have told anyone. I don’t feel the need to have support from people in that way, I’ve always been a fairly self sufficient person in that way! And I would rather not put them through that sadness either, to me that would have felt selfish.

Well I told my mum after my scan & she said yes I know. She just knew! So maybe your mum has already guessed.

I mean, it's up to you but at some point it's going to be obvious!

Hmm I dunno

If I were to get pregnant again, which I won't, I wouldnt tell anybody. But that's because I've survived hell and I've done it on my own. Life has taught me not to announce things until they're certain

But you sound like youre being kind of precious, girl, sorry - like 'soft launching'? Your family aren't a tiktok audience

Its just a baby. An exciting first experience but your family would have been there before - find a creative way to tell them and just do it x

My daughter told me before she'd missed her first period!! Her tests were really strongly positive. She's now 7 weeks and we can't tell anyone else yet . She had a reassurance scan on Saturday.All good but it's twins!!!!!! In a way I wish I didn't know yet. Not sure how her in-laws will take it...They have funny ideas and quite opinionated even though her mil is a midwife.

Tell your closest people and then ignore the "funny" comments.

I was exactly the same with my last pregnancy. Before that 12 week scan I had burried my full term twins 9 months before that. My beautiful first twin was stillborn and his twin died in the NICU 3 days later. We also had two early losses before that.

I felt so guarded about my subsequent pregnancy - I didn't want the constant "what ifs" or " what do you think the gender is?" We were still grieving, still are tbh and pregnancy after loss is so tough.

I told people around 16 weeks. But I'll never judge anyone for wanting the space. I get it.

It’s completely fine to keep it to yourself! they have no right to know, it’s still a “your body your choice” situation.

The only thing i would say, is that if you tell them at 20 weeks they will likely ask why you didn’t mention it before so you will need a response ready for that. something along the lines of “I didn’t want to have to go through having to break the news to you again if the pregnancy ended badly” should be fine.

It's not just a baby when you have had losses. It completely changes the experience. My twins died 2 years ago. Stillbirth and my other died in the nicu. It has completely changed our lives. When I got pregnant again, we were terrified, sad and happy at the same time. I didnt want anyone to know because I was overwhelmed with worry it would happen again and I didnt want to burden others either. Grief isnt being "precious" it's horrible. I did tell people eventually. I'm sorry but this post is so insensitive

With DC1 I didn't tell anyone until after the anomaly scan. Everyone was very pleased for us.

If people are asking where you'll give birth or how long you will take for maternity leave you can say you don't know/haven't decided. Or you can tell them an answer and that's what works for you. If you think they're the type to camp at the hospital then go ahead and tell them a different hospital!

I also didn't tell anyone when I went to hospital have the baby until they were safely delivered and I was back on the ward.

So don't tell anyone. I didn't tell anyone other than DH and my midwife until I was 20 weeks. Friends and close colleagues guessed but respected my decision.

Though I'm not sure what kind of 'questions' and 'opinions' you are anticipating from your parents. I mean, what questions are there? How did you get pregnant? The usual way, Mum? What are you going to call the baby? Haven't given it any thought yet? Are you obeying the pregnancy guidelines? No, I'm slamming tequilas and chowing down shellfish and unpasteurised cheese?

It makes me feel anxious and irritated and I just don’t know whether I can handle it.

That doesn't sound like a particularly healthy reaction. It might be worth exploring why you feel that way.

I don't think the op said they had losses themselves.

Hard agree with waiting 12 weeks (i would wait 20 weeks personally, but that's just down to my own life experiences)

I am very sorry for your losses 💐

For me its the 'soft launching' business, its coming across as dramatic, sorry.

My husband and I welcomed our perfect baby girl early last year. She was a much longed for baby, conceived via IVF, and my husband and I agreed that we did not want to tell anyone, including close family, our news until after the 20 week scan, a plan we stuck to. The only person we told was my sister as she was also the only person who knew we were having IVF. My husband and I are both close to our families but we just felt we didn't want to share the happy news until we were confident all was likely to be okay. Our families were all delighted when we told them and nobody chastised us about keeping the news to ourselves for so long, they know how anxious I get so our reticence made sense to them.
Wishing you all the very best for a happy and healthy pregnancy.

I didn’t tell anyone till 16 weeks. I could have easily gone to 20 without anyone noticing.

My last pregnancy I didn't tell many outside of parents and our existing kids until I was 5 months gone , it followed a loss so I was kind of just keeping it low key while I could . I think most people have their own lives and really don't take heed of other people. It's nice to have someone to lean on sometimes during pregnancy I think I'd struggle to keep it secret from my parents.