To not want to tell anyone about my pregnancy?

[ripleynot]

I am 12 weeks pregnant. I have my NHS dating scan at the end of this week at 13 weeks. We haven’t told anyone I’m pregnant yet - including our families and mothers. It was always my intention to keep it private until after the NHS scan, we also had a private NIPT (which has just come back all clear) so I wanted to wait until after everything seemed to be progressing well. We’ve had baby and pregnancy loss in our immediate families and I really didn’t want to put myself or our mothers through trauma with regards to an early miscarriage or a TFMR.

Now everything is looking good and we have no reason to believe that I won’t have a positive scan (I’ve had a couple of private scans that are progressing well). The plan had been to drive to tell my Mother that day, and to tell my husband’s parents later that week. We’ve been thinking of fun ways to tell them, been excited that we won’t have to lie anymore (I speak to my Mother everyday so it’s been strange keeping it a secret).

But now the time is approaching I feel like I don’t want to tell anyone. I love our parents but they are the kind of people who will have opinions and ask questions. So far it’s just been my husband and I and I feel like suddenly I (and this pregnancy) is about to become public property. It makes me feel anxious and irritated and I just don’t know whether I can handle it.

Has anyone else felt like this? Would I be unreasonable to keep it private for longer? How do I get over this feeling? I feel completely alien compared to the people I know and see who phone their families before the pee is dry on the test.

Don't make a big deal of it and that will keep the Grannies grounded.

Saying this gently, but almost all married couples have babies, the Grannies had babies. It's really not a big deal to anyone except you and DH.

“Keep the Grannies grounded” is my new favourite saying! I love it!

Unfortunately you’ve not met my mother. This will be bigger than the Iran war to her. I’m an only child and she’s a widow and she’s been desperate for me to have a baby, but I had always been very on the fence so she won’t be expecting it at all. This will genuinely be a bigger deal to her than it is to me and my husband unfortunately.

Jsut get over it. Pregnancy is just the beginning. Once baby is out, the opinions multiply.

You don't have to justify it to anyone.
Tell them when you are ready.

I agree with telling them by text/in writing to that you can get all the first reactions out of the way.
When they start in with the questions... have some prepared phrases up your sleeve if it all gets to much. Be bold... as it sounds like they don't get subtle hints.. "Can we all calm down please. I will give updates when they are available/appropriate - so stop asking me."

You’re going to need to learn to advocate for that baby in so many ways - might as well start now with managing family expectations.

You can prepare some answers to questions but keep them vague (we’ve not decided yet/ there’s plenty time for that / that’s not a priority right now / that’s not actually any of your business / I’ll speak to DH about that / thanks for your advice, I will have a think) and don’t make any promises you’re not sure about.

OP I do understand you. Truthfully it's probably best for you to retain some control as if they see you they will notice. Not just because of your figure but your complexion changes, there will be small clues. And some women just know from a hormonal perspective, you can’t hide it from them.
You can tell them but at the same time, explain you'd rather keep the details private and will let them know later on when you need their support.
You can express you'd rather they not buy gifts until the baby is born

Thanks everyone. I think I’m going to see how I feel over this week. I’ve found pregnancy very overwhelmingly mentally and it’s taken a while to adjust to the fact I’m pregnant, so sharing it feels exciting in many ways but also very vulnerable.

Since you haven't told them yet and due to how you're feeling and the update on your mother, I would tell them a due date a few weeks after the real one to avoid a barrage of questions as your due date approaches, hopefully you'll have had the baby by the time your 'estimated' due date arrives.

Exactly, well put!

I didn't announce my last pregnancy at all.

OP, you do you. Your body and your choice.

Yes, it wasn't hard at all. As I said above, close colleagues heard me throwing up in the work loos, and a few friends guessed but respected my decision to keep schtum -- in my case I'd just discovered a condition at the start of the pregnancy that was possibly going to require treatment that would have required a termination. I didn't want to tell people I was pregnant while I wasn't sure I would be continuing the pregnancy.

Just keep saying 'Dunno, really' and change the subject to one of the current wars. Every time. People can only pester you if you let them.

I understand that, it takes time.

For my second pg I didn't want to make an announcement, I just didn't want the conversations and the excitement because I had so much trouble ttc and multiple losses. They were early losses, absolutely nothing as traumatic as @Ella31 describes, however it made me wary and nervous people would bring it up in conversation. I also felt anxious and unsure if this one would make it (luckily for me it was twins!). I told friends and family as I met them and asked them to be discreet. As the pg went on and i got bigger it became obvious to anyone who saw me even casually. Some friends didn't hear about it til they were born but I saw it as a reflection of who had stayed in touch and who hadn't, so I didn't feel bad about that. I'm not on SM so no photos were public and there was no need for choosing an announcement date.

I should add that it would have been hard for anyone to guess I was pregnant through most of my pregnancy had I not told them. I am slim so I assumed I would have a noticable bump quite early but, by 20 weeks, I was hardly showing at all, , certainly nothing that was visible while clothed. Even by full term I only had a tiny bump. I have no idea where our baby was hiding as she was born a perfectly healthy weight!
However, so many people kept telling me that they had been enormous by 20 weeks that I suppose some people don't have as much option about sharing the news. Many of my friends also said that people guessed they were pregnant since they weren't drinking alcohol on a night out. Since I never drink alcohol and everyone knows this about me there was no change in behaviour to tip anyone off either. On top of that, I was very lucky not to suffer from morning sickness so no need to worry about colleagues hearing me vomiting in the work toilets!

I announced very early for lots of interconnected reasons (found out on the day I was due to go up to my parents for the weekend but wanted to be with my fiance and couldn't come up with an excuse so blurted it out to DM and DF), everyone else found out when I was on my hen do (8 weeks along) because I wasn't drinking; it was very obvious at our wedding (14 weeks) because my bump was significant!

DH and I had very little time when it was just our little secret and one I wish we'd been able to keep it a bit longer. Share the lovely news when you feel ready. 🌺

Congratulations!

if you dont tell them soon, they will be hurt that you kept it a secret

perhaps Mothers Day is a good day to
tell?

Nothing wrong with those questions. It's going to be a very very long slog of questions and opinions when you become a parent.

No one was hurt when I told my family (around 26 weeks for parents, then the rest when we saw them, I was not noticeably pregnant until maybe 30 weeks), they were all thrilled for us. Anyone who would make it about themself is not worth considering.

We were all out together having a family get-together at a local Italian restaurant...
Over the coffees, daughter and SIL gave a sealed envelope to each set of parents. On the front were written three dates, the first two had ticks next to them: We knew the first was the day they got engaged, the second was their wedding day, the third was a good six months into the future.
When we opened the envelopes there were the scans of the expected grand-child, that third date being the 'date due'. 😊

I kept my pregnancy a secret from my family for about 6 months.

No one is entitled to your medical information.

I do think you’re being ridiculous. You speak to your mother every day and it seems like you’re creating drama.

Why so much drama? I don’t understand why they just can’t tell you without props.

Snort. I think you’d have to be seriously deluded to think that family members are going to recognise your engagement and wedding dates when seeing them written randomly on an envelope. What happened to just saying ‘We’re having a baby in April, Mum’?

You’ve just reminded me of when one of DH’s nephews and his wife ‘announced’ their pregnancy to DH’s parents by handing them an envelope that said ‘Merry Christmas, Great-Granny and Grandpa!’ and PILs said ‘Oh, thanks’ and just put it on the mantelpiece, completely oblivious. When their attention was drawn to the message, they pointed out that they had several greatgrandchildren already, so it didn’t strike them as significant.

YANBU I didn’t tell people with my 3rd until about 20 weeks, and didn’t tell a lot of people until she was born (obviously if they’d seen me in person they’d know but they didn’t!). I just hate the announcing/telling people thing and find it so cringe. Like waiting there for a big reaction feels so uncomfortable. I always just told my parents via WhatsApp each time 😄

I have the perfect reveal idea give them to Nanny on mother's day cards

Ah my MIL was like this. Extremely overbearing while I was pregnant and when my babies were born. I wish I had addressed it earlier. Over the next few months have a think about what your birth plan is and be clear what you would like after the birth. Tell her what would be helpful to you and set expectations for frequency of visits if you can.

You will likely get lots of unsolicited advice, opinions and judgement from people while you’re pregnant and when you have a baby. Your choice to breastfeed, bottle feed, give a dummy, breastfeed for too long, not long enough, not doing baby led weaning, too much screen time when they’re older, going back to work, being a SAHM.

If I were you I’d prepare yourself for this if you can and ignore all the comments. My sister told me “you get judged no matter what you do so just do your best.” That was the best advice I ever received.

Just send them a WhatsApp message. You don’t need all this palaver about ‘fun’ ways to tell them, or to stand on ceremony with formal-sounding ‘announcements’.

It sounds as though clinging to these unnecessary expectations is making things more stressful for you. Why do that? When you decide the time is right, simply tell them.