Is it acceptable to say another women is more attractive because she’s younger?

[Pluto5]

After a year and a bit of OLD after losing my husband of 20 years I’ve had enough. I’ve met one full on narc, one womaniser, one very socially introverted and the other still in love with his ex. Plus not to mention about 50 more that have wasted my time texting just to fizzle.

so I went on Chat GPT and it told me to detox from all men for minimum of 6 weeks. Block all ex’s and dating apps. Apps had been deleted since October anyway. I’d just started and an American man added me as a friend on Instagram he’s 32 I’m 41. We’d been commenting on the same post. He described himself as very chilled out and nonchalant. Texts every day for a month but at times it’s been a bit slow or long I In-between due to time difference. Lately we started phoning each other most days, he has talked about having a fair few ex’s but has never lived with anyone, he lives with his mum and brother as rent is expensive. He’s says it’s his fault all previous relationships have ended as he didn’t prioritise the women’s needs. This was so refreshing compared to men here. If there is a pause in text time he will explain where he’s been and apologise.

he mentioned a few of his ex’s were Asian . So to cut a massive long story short, I’ve tried to end it a few times as I keep thinking logically where would-it go? I have 4 kids here 3 teenagers, I’m in my last year of nursing school. He has twice said I wish you all the best if you don’t think it will work I’m not going to convince you if your mind is made up but I’ve expressed that I think it could.

he’s also said a few times that he hopes I’m attractive to him. Plus he gushes if I say I’m starting to miss it when we don’t speak. We have a lot of jokey banter.

last night after a 3 hour phone call I said he was very cute and he said “ my looks?” I said no your personality but yes obviously I do think you’re good looking. I don't think he’s anything special I’d say a 5/6 at most but I like his personality. Then I flipped it and said “do you think I’m cute as you’ve never said”. So he phones me and said “ do I think you’re cute?” Then he said let me think about it, then he said mmmmm yes for a 41 year old but not compared to a 27 year old. I was gobsmacked, I asked what he meant and said I get loads of attention and he said yes what do men say? You’re attractive or you’re attractive for your age? He said everyone knows a women’s prime is in her 20s you can’t expect to compete. I didn’t try to compete. He said my body and long blonde hair would bump me up when I’m out that’s why I’d get attention. But he said if you looked at the face of a 24 year old and yours hers would be bette. He said if he was out with me, people would say I was attractive for my age but would say she’s 9 years older. He said if he was out with a 27 year old they would just say he was out with a 10 🤦‍♀️

every conversation is pretty much a debate. He said to me the other day that all parents have a favourite kid. When I said I don’t he said I was lying. He hasn’t got kids so he can’t know. He said from what other people have told him and what he sees he believes it’s true.

I messaged him this morning to say I was deeply offended and he said he understood and he was sorry he made me feel like that. I said that doesn’t really help to put my mind at rest. I said you could have just said I’m attractive but why the comparison and I said I just worry that he thinks I’m too old for him and every year I’d have an expiry date. He said he never said that ever but will let me think what I like.

I then left him a voice note saying I know he is a bit emotionally guarded and doesn’t like showing vunerabikity but sometimes I need reassurance especially when you’ve insulted me. I said if you message or ring me I’ll take it you want to build something still if you don’t then it’s a no. He’s had me on read for 4 hours. I’m really upset how that all turned so fast.

that was not a normal response from him was it? The more I think about it the weirder it goes. He’s also said he has no trouble cutting people off as he doesn’t feel stuff or even if he does he can still just walk away. Is this avoident behaviour? .

I have no idea why are you still talking to this man?

I’m not, now he said best to leave it. He said he’s not the type of person to give constant validation. He thinks I should gather he was into me by his behaviour and the effort he put in to calling and texting.

But who cares what a dickhead thinks?

That’s the thing he wasn’t a dickhead it just was such a weird thing to say. He was actually one of the most accountable and reflective men I’ve spoken to.

every man in this country blames their ex’s why their relationships ended. He said it was his fault he did t prioritise them enough. My issue was that he debates everything. If I’d have said do you think I’m as attractive as a women in her late 20s his comment may have been valid. I didn’t ask to be compared to anyone that’s what was weird.

it might have been different if he’d have said I don’t usually date older women but yes you’re attractive for your age. It’s the bit where he had to add on “ your age” why can’t I just be attractive?

You’re giving him way too much headspace.

He’s either incredibly thick, or downright nasty.

Don’t waste any more of your time even thinking about him.

And I completely agree. If I meet men OLD I’ve learned to arrange to meet pronto for this reason. You develop attachment before you even know if there is chemistry. You can’t do this with someone who lives half way around the world.

Massive red flags all over this . Not all 27 year olds are more attractive than all 41 year olds .Regardless , he sounds like a complete dose and a twat. People you date are supposed to make you feel good about yourself .

God it all sounds so desperate if you are turning to AI and instagram. You are opening yourself up to a world of losers and freaks. Get out and about, start a hobby, you will then meet more likeminded men. This man is a loser. He’s got a great big L on his forehead. Run.

He's a 32 year old who knows he's a 5 and has failed to launch. He now also knows that you get lots of male attention, have managed to raise 4 kids, have a home (I presume), an income (again, presumtion). He's punching but he needs you not to know that so he starts with the negging so that you start to feel a bit shit about yourself and so that you will cling on harder with him as you want to prove to him now that you are just as attractive as a 20-something year old.

It's all a game bourne out of this lack of confidence. Just leave the game as the goal of it is to erode your confidence and build his up. Block him and move on to someone nicer and a bit more realistic, or just stay single. I can recommend it.

I wouldn't ask AI for advise on your love life.

I doesn't sound as though you've actually even met this guy so nothing to lose here just block him.

I would try to find healthier and more positive ways of filling your free time. Join a group or something and forget about meeting someone and just let things happen naturally in life.

See, I hate this "for her age".. Why can't she just "look great"?

You are giving this way too much time and headspace OP. Focus on yourself and what you want, rather than wasting time trying to figure out the motivations of a random idiot you haven’t even met in real life.

That actually makes a lot of sense. He’s very insecure, I’ve had to beg him to do FaceTime, he won’t eat in front of me as it’s embarrassing and constantly seeks validation that I find him attractive and that I like him but refuses to do the same back.

The absolute fact of it is, he's right. Of course a twenty-something is going to be more attractive than an older woman, simply by virtue of her youth. It's the brutal reality of life. If we're honest, we all know this.

BUT. Did he have to say that? No.

Did he need to make any comparison at all? No, no he didn't.

It was unnecessary, cruel, and I would wager also very deliberate.

He’s not a very nice person and you can do so much better than him. I would just take control and block him - will give him shock when he does try to respond.

He sounds absolutely pathetic. Sad little man who lives in his mum's basement trying to neg you out about your age and appearance. When you say he's not even attractive especially himself?

Why are you bothering talking to this person?

Let it go. He obviously would prefer a younger woman...fair enough...but you'll just get hurt in the process. Of course most people look better in their youth but there's no need for him to be so blunt. Ditch him

Whatever you do, just don't give him any money.

He likes younger women, so you are pretty incompatible, dump him before he dumps you.

OP, he's clocked that you're vulnerable/needy and love bombed you.
But now he's reeled you in and feels he doesn't need to try anymore.
Why are you wasting so much time and angst on him?
This isn't a relationship, what are you actually getting out of it???

“not to blow my own trumpet” I’m very attractive and get so much male attention, I’ve sent him my inbox full of weird men off Facebook that won’t leave me alone, pages of them.''

Why would you send him your inbox of weirdos???

There's attention, and then there's attention.
And attracting weirdos is not the right sort of attention.
TBH, I sincerely doubt that your inbox of weirdos are messaging you because they're blown away by your looks, it's far more likely that they're catfishing.

Be real, OP, and learn about self worth.

He’s a complete dick and playing games with you, but I also think you need to be realistic. From the perspective of someone in their late 20s/early 30s, people in their 40s do look significantly older. I remember being asked out by a 43 year old when I was 28, and I thought he looked ancient.

I don't think I'd like the constant debating and his views on cutting people out would turn me off. However to answer your AIBU, no I don't think its something to be offended about. People age and mostly become less attractive, that's nature. There are those that like an older person physically but I would say the majority of people, men or women prefer youth. I am late 40s and have definitely passed my prime, as have my friends and my husband and his friends. We openly joke that we look like less attractive versions of ourselves. If someone told me I was attractive for my age I'd be happy because I know very well that I was a lot more attractive 10 years ago. It doesn't mean I'm unattractive just not as attractive.

Please block this man and move on with your life. The red flags are jumping out.

He’s negging you and that you cannot see that at your age is disturbing.

He can't keep up the pretence anymore. The real him is coming out.

And even with his odd views, he sounds knackering, everything an endless debate. It will get tiresome, very quickly.