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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are they pushing boundaries? Or is it me?

33 replies

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 15:23

This is a long one but I don’t know what to do. I work as a carer on a self employed basis and have had a client for coming up to a year which I work many hours for.

When I applied for the job I didn’t drive but was learning and even though the job did involve driving they took me on. From the start there has been a lot of pressure for me to drive which is fair enough. They are capable but need support to not be limited by their health and have a team of carers as well as me. Most of what I do is cooking, cleaning, shopping and trips out but generally within the surrounding town or like I said around up to an hour away for the day.

The issues is driving was a fear of mine and as a result I passed later in life and pretty much since I passed 6 months ago I’ve taken them out to trips up to an hour away on a weekly basis. I’ve never not done a trip but I have said from the start I want to build up to taking clients on trips that are much further away. But each time I’m threatened with my job basically and they back off then within weeks they want me to go further or when I don’t work when I have my kids the have wanted me to invole my children so I work those days too which I’m not comfortable with. This week I had to take my dog to the vet it was before 9 in the morning and was booked in with the client knowing well in advance. My dog is a rescue and is in particular afraid of men he doesn’t know. The night before they wanted me to go from the vet to there’s with my dog that they have not met and then we all go out in my car. I explained that wouldn’t work with my dog and wanted to stick to the previous plan and as a result I feel they have punished me when I worked this week. An gave me a list of all the things I need to work on. They also want me to take more lessons which I don’t want to do I have a licence. They also have 2/3 other carers that take them out in their car weekly and I feel if it was just me I would understand the pressure to speed up to doing bigger journeys.

I don’t know what to do. I was told I over thought things with my dog and it would have been fine. I said respectfully I know my dog and they said they have known dogs their whole life and it would have been fine. There has also been times where they will get out the car before I have even stopped the car which I have explained isn’t okay. I’ve also had them drop family members on me last minute to drive home when there wasn’t space in the car and I said I wasn’t comfortable but they wouldn’t get out the car. I feel they push my boundaries and every boundary I have in place is to what I am comfortable to do and what I believe is safest.

I don’t want to loose this job but equally I’m worried I’m going to be put into situations I’m not comfortable with. Ive not experienced this with other clients. I don’t know what to say to them.

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 07/03/2026 15:26

Look for a new client and give notice to these selfish shits.
There is a lot of demand for your services and skillset.

AgentPidge · 07/03/2026 15:28

I've been driving for 30 years and I wouldn't like the pressure that they're putting on you. YANBU.

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 15:43

Shouldbedoing · 07/03/2026 15:26

Look for a new client and give notice to these selfish shits.
There is a lot of demand for your services and skillset.

That’s the other thing where I would look for those clients they would see me advertising and it would be unbearable. I have currently reached out to someone that reached out but had no availability and I think if they are still keen I’ll bite the bullet and leave.

OP posts:
Gingercatlover · 07/03/2026 15:54

It’s not you, they sound awful. I used to do a bit of cleaning a few years ago and had a client like this, was a pain in the backside after Covid I told her I was giving up.

Plenty of elderly people looking for carers that would be grateful of someone like yourself, I’m sure you wouldn’t have trouble finding other clients.

youalright · 07/03/2026 15:56

I don't think anyone is necessarily right or wrong i just think what they want and what you can offer don't align. You need a different job

Anonomoso · 07/03/2026 16:34

Now you can drive start to look for another job, be it in a care home or house visits, but within a distance that still suits you.

Have you tried with an agency?

You're self employed and I'd imagine most places are crying out for good carer's.

onelumporthree · 07/03/2026 16:37

Hang on a minute. You are using your car?

@Hereforadviceee What level of insurance cover do you have?

ginasevern · 07/03/2026 16:39

OP, until you decide what to do please make sure you have business car insurance if you haven't already. If one of your clients, or their family, were injured in your car you'd be in the shit. As for the job, it just isn't compatible and I would leave. I imagine there are lots of carer jobs around.

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 16:43

onelumporthree · 07/03/2026 16:37

Hang on a minute. You are using your car?

@Hereforadviceee What level of insurance cover do you have?

Yes I do. I have business insurance for taking clients in the car.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 07/03/2026 16:46

My friend works as a carer for an agency on a self employed basis. I am fairly sure the agency wouldn't allow this type of crap from a client.

Are there care-at-home agencies in your area?

She does a mix of personal care, domestic care, trips out, shopping trips etc.

onelumporthree · 07/03/2026 16:46

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 16:43

Yes I do. I have business insurance for taking clients in the car.

And how much extra does that cost you? They should have paid for it if they are insisting you drive them.

Also, are they your only client? If so, you're not really self-employed, are you? Perhaps you need to look on the HMRC website about self-employment and check whether you do actually fit into the official criteria.

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 16:52

onelumporthree · 07/03/2026 16:46

And how much extra does that cost you? They should have paid for it if they are insisting you drive them.

Also, are they your only client? If so, you're not really self-employed, are you? Perhaps you need to look on the HMRC website about self-employment and check whether you do actually fit into the official criteria.

I am self employed I have two businesses plus work as a PA that is self employed. I do not go through an agency.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 07/03/2026 16:55

@Hereforadviceee do you just have the one client that you work for? Could you possibly ditch the company you work for and make an arrangement privately with your client? The client could make a legally binding contract with you?

NeededANameChangeAnyway · 07/03/2026 16:58

People are crying out for carers around my way, especially ones which do as much as you do! Honestly, give notice and within 5 minutes if advertising I bet you'd have 10 people desperately trying to hire you.

Coconutter24 · 07/03/2026 17:06

You say when you took the job it involved driving, so at that point you knew you would be expected to drive them around or take them out day trips etc so I don’t feel for that reason you can complain. I do think though yanbu when it comes to them asking you to break the law by having more passengers than seats. When it comes to situations like that I think you need to learn to not feel pressured and tell them no

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 17:17

Coconutter24 · 07/03/2026 17:06

You say when you took the job it involved driving, so at that point you knew you would be expected to drive them around or take them out day trips etc so I don’t feel for that reason you can complain. I do think though yanbu when it comes to them asking you to break the law by having more passengers than seats. When it comes to situations like that I think you need to learn to not feel pressured and tell them no

I do not have an issue with most of the driving but at the moment not comfortable doing super long trips. I was lead to originally believe it would be driving to appointments, shopping and local places. I have to also be able to collect my children from school which is another factor for why that isn’t always possible.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 07/03/2026 17:29

So what are the super long trips? I don't think you should be doing these.

Terrribletwos · 07/03/2026 17:31

And if the original plan was just appointments, shopping locally then you definitely should be questioning this.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/03/2026 17:37

I don’t think you have much choice about looking for a new job. Sooner or later if you keep on refusing to do the things they’re asking you to do, they’re going to let you go anyway - it’s much better to leave on your own terms with another position to go to than on theirs. It’s not so much about whether you’re being reasonable or not to feel the way you do about what you’re being asked for, you just aren’t the carer they expect you to be.

Pokko · 07/03/2026 17:39

Yes they are using you.
You need to tell them by text what you are prepared to do and no more.
If not you will be seeking other employment.
Should they bad mouth you, you have proof of what the issue was.
They sound like bullies and you are being used by them.

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 17:40

Terrribletwos · 07/03/2026 17:31

And if the original plan was just appointments, shopping locally then you definitely should be questioning this.

This is the thing and I do belive if I agree to do longer distances it will then be take us away on holiday which they have brought up. I want to be able to have some boundries with them as when you are a PA on a self employed basis not through an agency, it easy for lines to get blurred and for example they practically invited themselves to my house the other day and now want me to work by bringing my children with me to theirs on the days I have set with my children. I started dating a guy and they expected for him to then be able to look after my children on the weekends for me to work extra and I had to say no but often I end up explaining myself when no should be a no.

OP posts:
aloris · 07/03/2026 18:35

It sounds like they are crossing a lot of boundaries here between your work life and your personal life. If they agree that you will have (for example) Saturday as a day off, then they should not be demanding that you work Saturday and telling you that your partner can watch your kids so you can work. It's not their business WHY you are off on Saturday. All that matters is that they agreed that you would be off on Saturday (or whatever the day is). Likewise, if you took a personal day to take your dog to the vet, it is not the prerogative of your client to tell you that you can no longer use the personal day because they think you can take your client to the vet with your dog. It is a boundary violation for them to be expecting information about your personal life so that they can use that information to change the job from what you mutually agreed upon, to something that encroaches on your personal life but gives them more of your services.

It also sounds inappropriate that they expect you to randomly chauffeur other family members besides the person you are caring for. You are not an uber.

It is also inappropriate for them to harass you when they see you advertising your services. That is just them trying to gain power over you by bullying you out of getting other work/clients. If you can't get other clients, then these clients will have more power to force you to do the work they want at the (probably underpaying you) low rates they want to pay you.

SarBe · 08/03/2026 20:08

You deserve better and need to tell them where to stick the job.

TiredSENMummy · 08/03/2026 20:14

I employ a team of carers for my disabled son and I would NEVER push them with anything they were uncomfortable with. I work around them as I am extremely grateful to them for the help that they give me. There's a local charity near me that advertises for PA positions, perhaps have a look of there's anything similar in your area. Honestly, good Pa's are like gold dust. You'd be very much appreciated elsewhere <3

TheLurpackYears · 08/03/2026 20:18

You are self employed, so you decide on your hours and rates of pay. You can decide to say no to any work they offer you that does not suit your business.
It sounds like they have been taking advantage of your self employment by treating you as employed but not giving you the benefits and protections of being employed.

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