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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Are they pushing boundaries? Or is it me?

33 replies

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 15:23

This is a long one but I don’t know what to do. I work as a carer on a self employed basis and have had a client for coming up to a year which I work many hours for.

When I applied for the job I didn’t drive but was learning and even though the job did involve driving they took me on. From the start there has been a lot of pressure for me to drive which is fair enough. They are capable but need support to not be limited by their health and have a team of carers as well as me. Most of what I do is cooking, cleaning, shopping and trips out but generally within the surrounding town or like I said around up to an hour away for the day.

The issues is driving was a fear of mine and as a result I passed later in life and pretty much since I passed 6 months ago I’ve taken them out to trips up to an hour away on a weekly basis. I’ve never not done a trip but I have said from the start I want to build up to taking clients on trips that are much further away. But each time I’m threatened with my job basically and they back off then within weeks they want me to go further or when I don’t work when I have my kids the have wanted me to invole my children so I work those days too which I’m not comfortable with. This week I had to take my dog to the vet it was before 9 in the morning and was booked in with the client knowing well in advance. My dog is a rescue and is in particular afraid of men he doesn’t know. The night before they wanted me to go from the vet to there’s with my dog that they have not met and then we all go out in my car. I explained that wouldn’t work with my dog and wanted to stick to the previous plan and as a result I feel they have punished me when I worked this week. An gave me a list of all the things I need to work on. They also want me to take more lessons which I don’t want to do I have a licence. They also have 2/3 other carers that take them out in their car weekly and I feel if it was just me I would understand the pressure to speed up to doing bigger journeys.

I don’t know what to do. I was told I over thought things with my dog and it would have been fine. I said respectfully I know my dog and they said they have known dogs their whole life and it would have been fine. There has also been times where they will get out the car before I have even stopped the car which I have explained isn’t okay. I’ve also had them drop family members on me last minute to drive home when there wasn’t space in the car and I said I wasn’t comfortable but they wouldn’t get out the car. I feel they push my boundaries and every boundary I have in place is to what I am comfortable to do and what I believe is safest.

I don’t want to loose this job but equally I’m worried I’m going to be put into situations I’m not comfortable with. Ive not experienced this with other clients. I don’t know what to say to them.

OP posts:
Ganthanga · 08/03/2026 20:28

You need to stop acting like a doormat and work out a proper contract of employment. As others have said there should be no blurring of boundaries between home and job. Why do they even know about the boyfriend? No one should be telling you who you do or don't take in your car.
I would write this all down in a letter or email. Remain positive and upbeat. Start with how much you enjoy working for them but you have felt that recently boundaries are being pushed and going forward can we be clear about certain things. You will not be taking them on holiday but are happy to book it for them and arrange transfers. You will not be taking family members home but again are happy to book taxis for them. You will not be working previously agreed days off unless it is mutually beneficial. You will not be taking further driving lessons, you have passed your test and it's up to them if they no longer want to travel in your car. Good luck!

Abricot1983 · 08/03/2026 20:31

onelumporthree · 07/03/2026 16:37

Hang on a minute. You are using your car?

@Hereforadviceee What level of insurance cover do you have?

And payment for petrol and wear and tear and greater insurance cost. OP there are plenty of people needing carers. Get a friend to post your services so you can stay anonymous

Abricot1983 · 08/03/2026 20:34

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 15:43

That’s the other thing where I would look for those clients they would see me advertising and it would be unbearable. I have currently reached out to someone that reached out but had no availability and I think if they are still keen I’ll bite the bullet and leave.

Look for adverts on local Facebook groups.

Fygrfghjughj · 08/03/2026 22:22

Is this person you're caring for a man? It sounds like someone trying to inveigle himself into your personal life.

Here2talk · 09/03/2026 07:18

Get a new job. Honestly this isn’t worth it and they won’t change. They will continue to push boundaries.

WonderingWanda · 09/03/2026 07:24

Did you block out the time as holiday or are they still paying you for that time? That would be the only reason I could see confusion occur? If it's personal holiday allowance, or you've just said I can't do that shift then it's actually not their business why you aren't there so stop telling them the reasons. If it's actually the case that you are asking to run your own errands during a shift then just start arranging things when you aren't at work.

I'm a bit confused about all the driving, are you insured to be using your own car for work purposes? If not then stop doing any driving.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 09/03/2026 07:24

You are at risk of losing your licence if they misbehave in your car. You have to be particularly careful in year 1, if I remember correctly.

They are awful people. Appalling. Take a different job. They shouldn’t know where you live, they’ve behaved really badly.

Initially I’d be inclined to come up with an excuse about needing to leave. If they continue to pester after you’ve left, you may need to involve the police re harassment.

Is the client easier than their family? Does the client mind the behaviour?

BooneyBeautiful · 10/03/2026 00:21

Hereforadviceee · 07/03/2026 15:43

That’s the other thing where I would look for those clients they would see me advertising and it would be unbearable. I have currently reached out to someone that reached out but had no availability and I think if they are still keen I’ll bite the bullet and leave.

Look at independent living jobs online and just apply! There are lots out there!

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