Uncomfortable social situation

[Daffsandstuff]

What would you do here.

I am very good friends with a group of women - best friends let's say.

I work with another woman not for long we both started on this particular team in the autumn. This colleague is having a particularly shit time with things but is coping she has a several sets of very tight friendship groups - inc her old team at work. So has lots of support. And talks quite openly at work.

Friends from my friendship group know this lady via school gates children's sports clubs etc. A lot of this prior to our friendship. I was under the impression they knew her well.

My friends have very much being inserting themselves into this lady's problems - from a we want to help perspective, lots of dissecting her issues when we are together.

This is now starting to make me feel incredibly uncomfortable - this woman talks quite openly at work and unless my friends have been told something different - they are not representing things correctly.

Colleague also a little flabbergasted as one of them keeps sending her Voice Notes and it turns out colleague has only met her once properly to speak to (kids attend same school so sees her at school to say hi to) - she was being a little but mean about her at work quite openly as in I'm sure it's coming from a good place but why on earth is this women sending me these cringey voice notes, it's kind but I don't know her . I am cringey for this friend as she portrays that she does know her

Colleague keeps saying how she is sick of the condescending interference generally - which I think my friends over involvement extends to. There has been a couple of other things as well which she came in and told the whole office about - too outing to describe, but it's didn't paint my friends in favourable light amongst other colleagues and I was left scrambling to say yeah well I'm not really involved in that element as kids not at school yet.

There was talk on what'sapp about a plan to support her last night and what we could do I am like nothing, nothing. But feel I can't say anything.

they are aware you work with her though aren’t they?

@ShinyBlur yes which makes it so odd, my take is - but I honestly don't know, is that they have assumed lt isn't something she discusses / would discuss at work. When the colleague very much does.

It's not clear who is getting the voice notes. Is it you, or the subject of all this interference?

I'd just straight out tell your friends that you don't want to be party to all the discussions and speculation as it's making you uncomfortable.

Tell the colleague that you are there to support her on a one to one basis, but you won't be discussing her issues with any third party - if that feels like the right thing to say.

Why do they see their group as her white knight? Are they condescending in that they see her as someone who needs saving and they are “better than her” so can do so?
that they think she’ll be oh so grateful?

Just tell your friends she doesn't need help as she told you this at work?

Why do you feel you can't say anything? If they are your best friends, then you absolutely should be able to say "hey folks, my colleague is getting plenty of support elsewhere and I think your are overstepping"

@EvangelineTheNightStar I have no idea this is what I have come on here to try or understand. I had thought that they knew her much better than they appear to.

sorry op, your “friends” sound awful. They are gossiping about someone they hardly know and the person sending the voice messages is massively overstepping. I would be very blunt with them and tell them they clearly don’t know the lady well and their actions are starting to make you feel very uncomfortable so you will be taking a step back from any gossiping about this lady. I would be rethinking these friendships in general because they do really sound vile.

@Catza I tried very tentatively and got told I didn't know what I was talking about pretty much and that this person shared so much together when the children were babies - colleague was asking me what this friend did for a job the other day so they can't have shared that much.

If she knows you are good friends with these women and is still choosing to announce loudly at work that she finds their approaches annoying, she’s probably doing it so you will discreetly tell them to back off. Which I would do. I’d just say colleague has been saying frequently that she just wants to be left alone to deal with things so the WA group isn’t a good idea.

@Patchworkquilts I am finding the voice notes bonkers - this friend has so much going on in her own life as well I don't know how she is finding the time!

So speak less tentatively then. "I do know what I am talking about as we work together and she absolutely does not appreciate your involvement. Do whatever you want with this information"

If you are 'best friends' with these people you should be able to speak freely and let them know that she has openly told you she feels like they're interfering and they need to leave her alone. Let them know she has a support group of good, close friends and they dont need to worry about her. Sounds like the friend of yours with her own problems is maybe deflecting by getting over involved in someone else's life but it is clearly unwanted. I think you do need to be be very clear with them.

Could your colleague be speaking so openly about her problems and your friends because she is trying to control the narrative at work? It seems a bit odd that she is sharing her issues with you in that environment and you’ve only been working together for a few months and yet these women she’s known socially for much longer don’t know the details? You know your group of friends is it usual for them to embellish?

Either way I would say to my friends that you feel caught in the middle as you work with her. You don’t want to go into detail but she is is clearly uncomfortable with their input and seems to be trying to distance herself from them.

Also, if you're colleague knows you are good friends with these people she probably thinks your sat gossiping about her with them and thsts why shes getting the voice notes. It could cause you problems at work.

There's a lot going on here, you may not be able to unpick it all. Is it possible that this colleague has been saying different things to different groups of people? Could she be lying about how well your friends actually do know her and what she's been saying amoung their group? I'm not sure how all of your group of friends could have read the situation so wrong.

I find it slightly more likely that your colleague might be being disengenous. Some people do create different lives and present completely differently to different groups of people, weird i know. They kind of love playing different parts in their own drama, but they can become come unstuck when people from their separate social groups intersect. Why doesn't she just tell your friend leaving the messages she got the wrong end of the stick herself? Surely that's the simple resolution, i would find it odd if she hasn't done this.

People are drawn to drama. This woman is very indiscreet so everyone feels involved. She's only been at your workplace a few months yet is the centre of attention. I don't know what you can do except keep out, it's not going to end well.

Some people just like a bit of drama. Tell your friends your colleague has a lot of support from other colleagues and friends and they'll hopefully butt out

None of this is your problem. You can't control other people's actions and it's up to your colleague how she reacts to their misguided attempts to 'help' her. Stay out of it as much as possible. If your friends ask you to get involved, be honest and say that you don't think this is what the colleague wants.

There was talk on what'sapp about a plan to support her last night and what we could do I am like nothing, nothing. But feel I can't say anything.

Why do you feel you are "nothing"? Do you think you should be doing more? It sounds like you are in a better position to help this woman than your interfering friends.

Three possible things at play here, 1) As she’s so openly sharing at work, it’s possible she’s very openly sharing at the school gates also so they feel like they absolutely do know what’s going on. 2) She’s being manipulative and thriving on the drama of it all. 3) Is she someone who your friends admire and perhaps they are trying to insert themselves as a way to get close to her?

Tell your friends you don't want to discuss your colleague anymore because you feel it's unprofessional. At work, don't engage in discussions about your friends.

Its your colleagues’ responsibility to freeze these people out.

Your choices are:
1). Make it clear to all parties, including colleague, you are nothing to do with the project they have formed around this lady and keep well out of it
2) Tell your friends quite clearly that the colleague has her own support, is doing well and has made comments that she does not require further support from them.

I would do number 1. The second probably won’t end well for you, the messenger often gets shot. They have clearly built a bonding exercise for themselves around ‘supporting’ this woman, it makes them feel good individually and collectively, and they will resent you for bursting that bubble. Your colleague might resent you for feeding back what she has said too. She has, after all, chosen to say it behind their backs rather than to their faces.

The colleague can shut them down herself if she wants to.

I’d stay clearly out of it.

Just tell both sides that you know them in very different arenas and that you don’t want to mix the two so will hop out of any discussion.
”Look girls, I only know X in her work capacity and she’s quite different there so I’ll opt out of this one”
”Well X really they are part of my social circle and I keep my work relationships very separate these days so best we don’t discuss them”

OP, just stay out of it entirely.