Uncomfortable social situation

[Daffsandstuff]

What would you do here.

I am very good friends with a group of women - best friends let's say.

I work with another woman not for long we both started on this particular team in the autumn. This colleague is having a particularly shit time with things but is coping she has a several sets of very tight friendship groups - inc her old team at work. So has lots of support. And talks quite openly at work.

Friends from my friendship group know this lady via school gates children's sports clubs etc. A lot of this prior to our friendship. I was under the impression they knew her well.

My friends have very much being inserting themselves into this lady's problems - from a we want to help perspective, lots of dissecting her issues when we are together.

This is now starting to make me feel incredibly uncomfortable - this woman talks quite openly at work and unless my friends have been told something different - they are not representing things correctly.

Colleague also a little flabbergasted as one of them keeps sending her Voice Notes and it turns out colleague has only met her once properly to speak to (kids attend same school so sees her at school to say hi to) - she was being a little but mean about her at work quite openly as in I'm sure it's coming from a good place but why on earth is this women sending me these cringey voice notes, it's kind but I don't know her . I am cringey for this friend as she portrays that she does know her

Colleague keeps saying how she is sick of the condescending interference generally - which I think my friends over involvement extends to. There has been a couple of other things as well which she came in and told the whole office about - too outing to describe, but it's didn't paint my friends in favourable light amongst other colleagues and I was left scrambling to say yeah well I'm not really involved in that element as kids not at school yet.

There was talk on what'sapp about a plan to support her last night and what we could do I am like nothing, nothing. But feel I can't say anything.

Yes l agree, your colleague needs to ask the voice note woman to desist or block her or reply with a thanks but no thanks to her offers of help. You are going to end up the bad guy in both camps if you're not careful.

Your posts are not easy to understand.

You have a group of 'best friends'
You have a colleague who knows the 'best friends' from school gates/clubs.

Your colleagues talks to people from work and to the school mums about her problems

A mum sends you or colleague cringey voice notes.

I cba to try to figure it out.

Rude. The rest of us have understood her perfectly well.

Was going to say exactly this.

There are two different narratives at play and you dont know which bits of which narrative are true/exaggerated/made up.

I agree with this it’s up to your colleague to sort this out herself . You aren’t responsible for managing how people communicate with her just because you are friends with them . And you are not responsible for how she reacts and communicates either .

lots of dissecting her issues when we are together.

Do none of you have nothing better to discuss than someone else’s issues.

I would be telling your friend group that it’s none of anyone else’s business and it’s to discuss with the colleague, not each other.

Colleague needs to stop telling everyone her business as some people love nothing better than when things are going wrong for someone.

I don’t think it’s that rude really this person does have a point . It’s difficult to piece together why the op thinks any of this is her problem based on the post .

Especially as, however much the colleague talks about her problems at work, the OP has only worked with her since last October and can’t possibly know her that well. It’s just not her problem if other people she knows in an entirely different context are overstepping in relation to the colleague.

Explain it to me then.

Can you not suggest to your colleague to ask the friends to stop sending her voice notes/getting involved? Their behaviour isn’t your responsibility and if she doesn’t want to be contacted by the friends about it then she will need to tell them. But it sounds like she is telling everyone about her problems if she talks about it at work and also the school gates. So maybe she needs to tone that down if she doesn’t want any support

I think you need to be pretty blunt with both your colleague and your friendship group that you feel like piggy in the middle. Then drop the rope as far as you can and go grey rock. If your friends take offence then they are not your friends. Just patronising virtue signallers.

I wouldn’t get involved. Who on earth shares all their problems with random mums at the school gates and with colleagues at work? She sounds like she likes attention and drama.

Your poor colleague. They all need to leave her alone. She’s probably hoping you can get them to stop contacting her.

Does the colleague know they're your best friends? I wouldn't talk negatively to someone about their best friends. It says something about colleague if she dies know, she's either really at the end of her tether with them or she likes drama and is potentially manipulative.

And btw stay out of it all. Just chat to your colleague about work and chat to your friends about other stuff. If you get drawn into this you will end up blamed for something by someone.

Absolutely this
Dont get involved,tell they are wrong etc as will fuel the flames, she may have told them a very different story
Think of a neutral reply or dont reply at all

Exactly this. Why are they so invested in this random woman?

I can’t understand the situation and so didn’t reply. You’re possibly only seeing replies from the people who do understand and that’s why it looks like everyone does when there could be plenty like us who don’t and so stayed out of it (like the OP possibly should).

This, in spades with bells on. Id back away and refuse to get involved colleague sounds very problematic to me.

I used to work with someone who would always play the victim. You had to sympathise with all her tales if woe where she was the recipient of some wrong-doing, or incredible misfortune. One colleague did her a favour by giving her daughter free horse riding lessons - an extremely generous thing to do. You'd think she would be singing that womans praise? No a bit, she found things to critise her for and would talk behind her back.

On another occasion i was doing the office post rota and was finding it hard to cover fridays due to part-timers always having that day off (not within my control). She said to me that she'd cover all the fridays, and she loved helping to open the post as her friend worked in the post room. Great, i thanked her thinking it was the perfect solution. So one day i walk into the office to hear her complaining to three colleagues about how i was picking on her and making her do all the friday post opening, which i had apparently known she hated.

Be wary of people who have constant sob stories, or who always seem to be the victim.

Your friends sound unbearable. You all sound unbearable.

How is there this much drama in grown women’s lives?!. Who dissects others peoples lives this much unless their own is shit/they are deflecting? You don’t need tk come together to save this woman, who clearly doesn’t need saving. Trying to be a saviour when nobody is asking them to be screams…”issues in my own life!”

Back up out of it. Get a hobby. Imagine what they say about you OP…”oh her own child is not ok so we should help her too. Let’s be heroes!”