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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To Let Ex-Husband Move Back In?

27 replies

Parkerbosily · 06/03/2026 22:52

I've NC'd just because I'm not sure I want to have this looming over my other name.

Last year I found out my husband of 20 years had an affair with a workmate that was almost a year long and ended months before I found out. This workmate was a man and my husband admitted he was gay and had known he was for around 8 years. I had him leave and we split custody of our child.

We've been getting along well for the last few months or so and found that we're good as friends. But then last week out of the blue he dropped the bombshell he hopes we will get back together and asked if I'd consider letting him move back in. He said he still loves me and the feelings he has for me didn't disappear when he accepted he was gay and he still wants me even if the attraction "isn't the same"

I didn't say anything in response because I'm just in shock. The moment he came out I had accepted we were done, I didn't have any idea us as a couple was still on the table because how could it be? He still works with the man he had an affair with!

Now I'm still in the early days of this separation, he's been moved out just almost a year and I've struggled to get through this. But now I'm suddenly wondering if it would be a good idea? Which sounds bonkers I know. But I could have my old life back. The easy one where I wasn't eating alone most nights a week! Where my child's family is still together. Am I absolutely batshit to think this might be alright? Give it to me straight. I need perspective. If I asked any of my friends I think they'd kill me so I'm coming here instead!

He has also said if we werent to be romantic we could just live together for the sake of the family. But he'd want me back, he'd want us to be us again.

OP posts:
shellyleppard · 06/03/2026 22:55

Op he's an ex for a reason. He's just going to end up hurting you agt. Also what about your children?? It will be so confusing for them......

Sunset6 · 06/03/2026 23:00

What’s his current housing situation? I’d be suspicious he wanted to move back in for financial reasons/convenience rather than love.

TheDogIsMine · 06/03/2026 23:00

He didn’t consider your child when he was having an affair though did he?

he may well not be gay, he may well have feelings for you. But I’m not buying it as love. Your just convenient to him right now , and he’s going to cause more heartache and destruction

Parkerbosily · 06/03/2026 23:04

Sunset6 · 06/03/2026 23:00

What’s his current housing situation? I’d be suspicious he wanted to move back in for financial reasons/convenience rather than love.

He lives in a house left to him by his gran that he rented out. He's got a good job and he's close by to my house, as far as I can tell he's doing more than well financially and appears to be doing fine living alone.

OP posts:
Dinosweetpea · 06/03/2026 23:06

Don't be ridiculous.

Applecup · 06/03/2026 23:15

You can still be friends with him living nearby. If he moves back in you will never be able to move on. He is probably missing the comfort blanket of having a wife and family but nothing has changed. He will still be attracted to men and soon the thrill of an affair will appeal to him again and you will end up hurt. Be strong. You are worth more than him.

Jasonandtheargonauts · 06/03/2026 23:17

A year since he moved out? Don't be naive OP.

His tenancy is up for renewal and he's discovered he doesn't like paying rent, child maintenance and all the bills, doing all the housework and solo parenting his child during his contact time.

Of course he'd like to move back in! And carry on having gay affairs behind your back whilst remaining firmly in the closet to the world at large because, look! He has a wife...🙄.

Only move him back in if you have a spare bedroom and want a housemate, establishing that your boyfriend will be staying over occasionally (when you get one and are settled in that relationship), draw up a housework rota, a childcare rota and tell him how much his rent including bills is.

Then watch him show his true colours and get angry when he realises he can't have his cake and eat it, that his bangmaidnanny is no more and he's going to have to man up and live like the adult he is.

KellsBells7 · 06/03/2026 23:43

What happens when he meets the next person he wants to have a relationship with?

wheresthesnowgone · 06/03/2026 23:43

What do you really really want, for you? Don't rush into any decisions. Do you enjoy being single? Would you prefer to keep the ex as a friend rather than promote him back to husband?

PollyBell · 06/03/2026 23:45

As friends I could see it working but nothing else

Nofeckingway · 06/03/2026 23:52

So he wants to return to married life with you . It really didn't matter that it was a man , he cheated , lied and deceived you . But then let's address his sexual orientation. Does he define himself as bisexual or gay . Are you OK with this .

nocoolnamesleft · 07/03/2026 00:04

He may be gay. He may be bi. Neither of which he can help. But he is also a cheating bastard, and he chose to be that. And almost certainly will do so again.

NotnowMildrid · 07/03/2026 00:12

Do what feels right for you, and not what others think. It’s your life not theirs.
Good luck 💐

GOATYOAT · 07/03/2026 00:13

How do you feel about him cheating?.Was he having sex with both of you?

Ticktockwatchclock · 07/03/2026 00:25

He wants a house keeper, someone to do his washing, cooking and housework. He had no respect or regard for you when he had an affair and now he misses having someone take care of him. What will you do when he has his next affair and what will the impact be on your children when he leaves again?
Really, you need to value yourself more. Eating alone is better than being made to feel worthless again and one day you’ll meet someone else to share meals with or you will learn to value being able to eat what you want, when you want, with who you want. Don’t settle for second best.

ThisChirpyFox · 07/03/2026 00:42

He wants to have his cake and eat it too!

Don't do it op. You've come on here and presumably know what the majority will say - a lot like what your friends will say.

If you let him back you will go back to square one. You say you've struggled to get over it in the last year, but you have, whether you think it or not, become better at living without him. What happens when he meets someone or he breaks your trust again? You'd have to start to live without him again.

Him even asking is selfish. He's doing what is good for him - he gets to live with his child, have your company and presumably you doing extras such as cleaning and cooking whilst he's free to see men. But how will you ever move on? Could you see yourself dating with him living with you?

As another poster asked, was he sleeping with you whilst he was having these affairs?

Teenthree · 07/03/2026 00:44

No. No.

Absurd. Preposterous. No.

outerspacepotato · 07/03/2026 00:50

You're his Plan B or maybe C, and built in maid and nanny. A didn't work out and he's at loose ends.

He rented out his house and wants to move into yours so he will have his job income along with rent. I bet something went south with his current living space and he's hitting you up because hey, you've got a place.

This will be terrible for your kids. Break up, move out, move back in, new affair, lather rinse repeat.

Be done. Look for happiness ahead but he is not it.

Yes, you're batshit if you think this would work out.

Pinkissmart · 07/03/2026 00:50

So, he wants the comfort of a family, with the freedom to seek other relationships ( because he is gay and you know this.)

He will bread crumb you with affection and completely mess with your head.

This will not end well for you.

If you are friends , excellent, be friends but don’t sacrifice your well being for his comfort.

Paramaribo2025 · 07/03/2026 00:51

You're mad.
I never fail to be amazed at what women will put up with from men.

BruFord · 07/03/2026 01:01

I doubt that having him move back in will make YOU happy, @Parkerbosily. He’ll have his family unit back, but you won’t have a partner whom you can trust, and you deserve that.

You can continue co-parenting well and be friendly, but live separately. You deserve the opportunity to meet a partner who deserves you, not settle for your cheating ex just because he’s your child’s father.

curious79 · 07/03/2026 06:49

if you’re lonely and he’s a great friend then I would consider having him back in as a friend - one who knows you deeply, loves you etc

in fact a family friend was always gay but stuck with his wife to the end. She died of cancer and only then did he come out and have a boyfriend.

I think both things can be true, that you can be gay and you can love a person deeply who happens to be a woman

however he has already cheated so that seal is broken. For him, your relationship is not so sacrosanct that he wouldn’t risk fracturing it

if you don’t mind me asking, did you resume relations in that interim period after he finished his affair and before you found out?

Normally I would be very rigid on this but if you really enjoy his company and you both have a laugh, maybe being together could work?

Floatingdownriver · 07/03/2026 07:13

You’ve listed what you’d gain. But not that you’d for up the potential to find real, romantic love. That’s what’s he’s asking you. If he loved you, he wouldn’t ask this. You deserve to be happy in your one and only life. Stay friends but don’t choose second best.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 07/03/2026 07:14

You’re insane, he’s gay. Your going to get absolutely nothing out of it and he’ll probably swan off with another man again.

Cerialkiller · 07/03/2026 07:24

Ticktockwatchclock · 07/03/2026 00:25

He wants a house keeper, someone to do his washing, cooking and housework. He had no respect or regard for you when he had an affair and now he misses having someone take care of him. What will you do when he has his next affair and what will the impact be on your children when he leaves again?
Really, you need to value yourself more. Eating alone is better than being made to feel worthless again and one day you’ll meet someone else to share meals with or you will learn to value being able to eat what you want, when you want, with who you want. Don’t settle for second best.

This this this.

He is realising that the other man/men won't provide these things. It's also possible that he's thinking about the ramifications of divorce and financial loss (I hope he is paying maintenance??)

Women are terribly convenient to have around. There's a reason that married men live longer and married women die sooner.

Is there a reason to have him around other then having someone to eat with? Does he bring anything to your life other then company?