To want to change my name

[DeedPollYes]

I’ve always hated my name - both first name and surname. I’m middle aged now and am seriously thinking of changing both names. However, it will hurt my Mum, annoy my husband (I didn’t change my name when we married so why change to something completely different now?), confuse my kids, potentially look like I’m trying to appear trans or non-binary (new name will be gender neutral) which I’m definitely not. It will be a lot of hassle and expense but this is really nagging away at me and I’m getting quite obsessed with the idea. (Full disclosure ADHD, PTSD, mental health issues for years - I know this is part of the reason I hate my current name so much).

So, AIBU?

YES - stop being such a self-obsessed idiot, no-one cares what your name is.
NO - personal self expression is really important. You can call yourself what you like.

Do it, but make sure you're sure and that you stick to it x

I think it's a bit much to change both names at once.

(Full disclosure ADHD, PTSD, mental health issues for years - I know this is part of the reason I hate my current name so much).
Given this, I'd be careful how you move forward. Sounds like you don't have a clear reason, and might regret a change in the future.

I think you should do whatever you want.

If if were me though I'd take my husband's name/same name as my children rather than something random. With the first name I'd try and find something similar to my existing name/something that shares a nickname with my existing name so the change didn't draw loads of attention.

I don’t know, with your mental health history I wouldn’t do anything until you feel more stable and less obsessed.

It’s a bit like cutting your own hair when you’re drunk.

You could just try it out.

You can change your name to whatever you like. Just do it informally and see how it feels before changing passport, bank account etc.

Why expensive?

Start with your first name and just tell everyone you are now known as….

It will take a while for people to get used to it.

And how will you feel if it doesn’t make you feel any more healed from your trauma?

Absolutely change it if you want to, especially if it will help your mental health. I hope to change mine either this year or next, although I’ve been saying that for 15 years so at this point I’m probably just kidding myself.

Similar to you it would likely upset my dad, irritate my partner and sorting banks, work, doctors…etc would be a nightmare but it’s important to me to not life my life as that name, I don’t want it to be my identity.

It’s a very personal choice, so think hard about what you want your name to be, You don’t want to have to repeat the process after 6 months if you don’t like it. Perhaps request a non official name change in some situations to see how it feels, for example request that your family, friends and colleagues call you by the name you’d like, change social media…etc, just try it out. If you love it, great! Start the official paperwork. If you don’t, just change back or pick something new.

Its like a tattoo - you love the idea and you want it now. But you have to think about whether you'll feel the same in 10 years.
Make an agreement with yourself that you'll do it this month next year. Set a reminder in your phone with that chosen name.
Then, write a list of all the tasks that would be required, all the documents you would need to update, organisations you will notify. I'm sure you could find some comprehensive lists on trans forums. Save the list and add a link to the list to your calendar reminder.
Then, tell yourself to enjoy this last year of being firstname surname, and no more thinking about new name until you get that reminder.
If in year you still like the name enough to do all the tasks, do it. But if you still want to change your name, but no longer like the name you chose, then imagine how annoyed you'd have been to do all that work and still be unhappy.

CPTSD for many years inspired me to change my surname to one that I respected historically and felt empowered by. It cut both of my abusive parents out completely and I’ve never looked back. My name is my own, for my own reasons plus homage to a historical figure I see as an idol. I hated my middle name so removed that too. Over ten years now. My DD has her “chosen name” in school as my surname and can’t wait to change it officially the minute she turns 16. I care what my name is, and I care that my daughter can’t wait to change hers to mine (absent father of several years, currently in prison). She’s 14 and we’ve had no contact with him for over 6 years. The day she turns 16 I’ll have her deed poll application ready. It really is something to feel safety and value with your own name that you’ve chosen for yourself after a background of abuse. Neither of us will ever regret it.

Can you try out the new name for a while?
How old are your children? Can you talk to them about wanting to change your name?
Your husband loves you, so I'm sure he will support you whatever you decide.
I wish you all the best!

If you go ahead with this, REMEMBER IT IS FREE.

https://freedeedpoll.org.uk

I think there's a risk of essentially "wherever you go, there you are".

You'll still be the same person, same experiences, just different name.

I like pp's suggestion of setting it aside for a year and then if you still want to, doing it then.

Do your children have your husband's surname? If so, I can't see the problem with changing yours to that. Itay not be the name that you'd choose, but it means something.

I know someone who did this. She thought her name was “common” and misidentified her as a boomer when she’s Gen X. Let’s say it was Sharon. She got to mid forties and changed her name to something far more modern and Millennial. Let’s say Beatrice. She thinks it makes her sound classier.

Her DH refuses to acknowledge her as anything but Sharon, but she’s happy 🤷‍♀️

I changed my first and surname in my early thirties as I had hated both all my life and it was the best decision I have ever made in my entire life. I’m so sad I didn’t do it sooner

I changed my first name and surname. About 20 years ago. My "old" names pop up over and over on various systems, with old acquaintances, on spam phone calls. I do change it when I spot it, but it seems impossible to sort it completely. How would you feel about that?

After such a long time it's down to 2/3 times a year but I still find it annoying.

Thank you for all your thoughtful and kind replies - I must admit I thought everyone was going to tell me I was being an idiot 🤣 I really like the idea of making a proper plan and then revisiting it. Although I might not be able to wait a whole year. Thank you @ShakeNCake .

To answer some questions I have a mix of adult and teenage children. I think they would find it a bit embarrassing but ultimately probably wouldn’t care that much. The first name I’d like to use is a nickname so they are aware of it already. I’d just like to make it official. I don’t want to change to my husband’s/children’s surname. Complicated reasons but it doesn’t feel like my name in any way. If my children had my surname then I wouldn’t change it. And yes to the PPs who have said that my trauma and mental illness will still follow. This is sadly very true but I am working on it. Even if I do sometimes cut all my hair off 🫣

Thank you for sharing your stories of being empowered by choosing a new name. I am sorry you experienced such trauma.

I think you need to ask yourself exactly why you might not be able to wait.
What purpose exactly, does the name change serve? Are there other less adminstratively inconvenient ways [e.g. seriously increased use of existing nickname maybe] to achieve that aim?
Can't help feeling you may end up disappointed if you act too soon.

I think I'd be too overwhelmed at the thought of amount of paperwork I'd have to do to change everything to the new name to do this tbh. I guess it would depend how much I hated my name. Can you have a nickname?

I changed mine when I was in my 30s. Not my surname as I did change to DHs when we married but my first name. Like you OP it was a nickname type so people already knew of it/me as it so it was quite an easy transition to make. I hated my first name but I do have complex PTSD stemming from childhood abuse so the connection with that was strong. I have never looked back. I never told my parents, NC for obvious reasons and I actually didn’t tell my elderly relatives either as it was easier all round to accept them using old name.

I think it’s because the ADHD makes me impulsive and I get very hyper fixated on things until it’s overwhelming. I don’t think I would ever regret changing my first name but it’s true that the surname probably needs a lot more thought. I could definitely try out using my nickname more often so people get used to it.

Paperwork is my nemesis so I would need to make a proper plan if I want to do it.

I guess I am trying to distance myself from all the shit that ‘old name’ has been through and just take some control over what comes next.

So you just want to upset everybody - to what end exactly? If the name you want to use is a nickname anyway, then just use it - it’s a lot less bother than changing your name on your bank account, passport, driving licence, house deeds etc etc.

I would do it.
People change their name for many reasons. Nobody bats an eye if a woman changes her name to a man’s surname. If people are nosey just say it’s a family name.

Personally I wouldn’t change both of my names but I don’t think you’re unreasonable to do it. It’s your name you can do whatever you want. If people are bothered by it then that’s their problem to deal with.

I’d absolutely begin using your chosen name as frequently as you can, among old friends, when making new friends, in the workplace etc: if you’re planning to formally change it then you’ll be asking people to use it, so you may as well begin now; and ultimately it will give you the opportunity to work out how you feel about living with any negative connotations such as people assuming you’re trans or non-binary, and how you respond to those assumptions as they arise.