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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think (hope) that not all MILs are b***es or pias....

64 replies

Pheebe · 17/06/2008 09:00

I have 2 boys and am dreading it to be honest, judging from some of the threads on mn many many DILs are the selfish bitches...

I'll leave it there as I'm interested in others views so won't rant...just yet...

OP posts:
barnstaple · 17/06/2008 09:53

"Its if you suffer irrational jealousy and possessivenes and then allow your behaviour to be affected by it"

That's my MIL exactly! Luckily I don't have any boys, so I'll be horrible to dd's boyfriends instead!

cali · 17/06/2008 09:55

My mil is awful, even her own children say the same so I am not mil bashing! Her other dil won't even speak to her, even when all the family are together.
I wish it was different and did try to get on with il's but they have said /done too much and now have just given up.

VictorianSqualor · 17/06/2008 09:57

I think my MiL is great.
She made my DP the person he is today so she obviously did something right.
If she loves him as much as I love my DC's then who am I to complain if she gets protective? (which she doesn't thankfully).

I've said before a good MiL IMO is like a god waitress, never in the way, but always there when you need them.

The same can be said for a good DiL, I will never get involved in DP's relationship with his mum in a bad way, in fact I'm the one that makes sure birthdays/fathers days/mothers day/xmas etc is thought out well, I'm the one who makes sure we go over for at least an hour or two every week, I'm the one that sometimes tells DP something really unimportant he needs to ring his mum about because I know she likes to have a chat with him.

I do think though, they say that a man will choose a wife like his mother, if his mother is likely to be considerate of his wife, then the reverse will be the same.

Also, how can I possibly complain about someone who dotes on her PFBGC even more than I do?? Or will always say yes to babysitting?? That did my ironing when I was in hospital having a CS?? That took a lot of her holiday entitlement off work to pick up my DD (not even her GD, as it's DP's dsd) from school??

Yep, she's great, but I am a fabaroony DiL too.

Carmenere · 17/06/2008 09:57

My mother is an equal opportunities pain in the ass, she is difficult to both her daughters in law and sons in law

VictorianSqualor · 17/06/2008 09:59

Oh, also, those who do slag off their MiL, for no reason other than she wants to be part of her DC&DGC's lives, and not want them around, but are happy for their parents to be around;
I think you're incredibly precious and I'm not surprised your MiL doesn't like you!

2point4kids · 17/06/2008 10:00

Totally agree with Edam.
I do worry as a Mum of 2 boys, but I've just got to hope that my boys have good enough taste to go for women that are reasonable! (or that they are gay!)

I get on really well with my inlaws. In fact they see DH a lot more now that I am around and MIL is lovely with the children.
I think our relationship works well because she is great plus I dont see her as Dh's relative only, we are all related now and I totally see the in laws as part of my family too and treat them as such.

Bronze · 17/06/2008 10:00

Like Twelveyeargap my mil is lovely and I'm pretty sure she likes me. She often makes it obvious when she thinks what DH has done is not on and tries to make it up to me. (DH isnt an awful husband hes just a bloke) For example when he decided to go away the weekend of our anniversary she had my two eldest for the day and provided me with an easy to prepare slap up meal. She does have control over him but it seems to work in my favour because I have been known to mention something to her because I know he wouldn't dare argue with her.

2point4kids · 17/06/2008 10:01

Totally agree with you VS as well.
Well said!!

Bronze · 17/06/2008 10:02

What I meant to say was I really hop I have as good a relationship with my sons other halves. My mil has helped tremendously especially as my parents live abroad and I woudl like to think I would give any DILs that kind of support but theres always the worry they'll think I'm just being interfering.

VictorianSqualor · 17/06/2008 10:04

Bronze, that control thing my MiL has over DP too, if he's being a twonk, I'll just say, 'right, imagine if I called your mother now and told her what's going, what she would say?' (not that I would call her)he soon admits he is in the wrong

I think that as my mother was such an arse and I haven't spoken to her in 6 years and my Dad is dead I appreciate family more than some people, too many people take family for granted.

bythepowerofgreyskull · 17/06/2008 10:07

I don't have a bad relationship with MiL despite her telling me the day we told them we were getting married that she would prefer it if DH was marrying his exGF!

DH and I feel that we want the boys to feel respected and comfortable in our relationship.. (something that I don't feel in my relationship with my parents) that they will be happy to see us.
But we also have to understand that once they are adults it has to be acceptable for them as well. no demanding, no manipulation, no sneekyness..
I think if we can hack the fact that they will not want to see us as much as we want to see them then we will probably be ok.

Poledra · 17/06/2008 10:08

My MiL is lovely too - VS, I like your definition re te good waitress thing. It may help that MiL does not see dh as perfect by any means (and sometimes gets quite angry with him for not helping out enough at home) though she does of course love him dearly. Also, I don't know if it matters but DH had long left home before I met him, so it's not as if I was the reason for him moving away.
Also, our children are MiL's only GC and she adores them, so would do nothing that might stop her seeing them.

DeeRiguer · 17/06/2008 10:13

custy has said it i think

my mil like any family gets on tits i guess from time to time, but as been said she helped make dh the way he is and loves ds

we only see family now and again and then its 24/7 in yer face for few days visit, and other times i call /she calls... its civilised
am sure know i get on her tits too over things but we can have a laugh too..
its the same with my parents too actually.. keep it short and sweet..

anniemac · 17/06/2008 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wishfort · 17/06/2008 10:19

My MIL is a splendid lady. Also on the other side of the world. Also a teeny bit scared of me. Also likes me because I treat her like real woman, not some frail LOL( little old lady). She had the cojones to let her only DS go to Oz without a word of reproach. And she was 90. What a woman.

Not sure I could match her by any means.

allytjd · 17/06/2008 10:22

I get on well with my MIL, I think it helps that she (like me) only has boysand has suffered a hideous MIL herself, I think if she had daughters it would be more complicated. Mind you, I do get jealous when she talks about the daughters of her best friend, she is very fond of them and they are more similar in personality to her ie, outgoing and sociable rather than shy and serious like me. MIL has rather tactlessly said several times to me that they are like daughters to her .
I have seen the other side of her tho', she used to call DH's exGF "thingy" and I think she liked me partly as I was a nice middle class doctor's daughter and therefore a "good catch", this was the 80's but might as well have been the 1880's!

Heffagooday · 17/06/2008 10:56

All my friends are always complaining to me about their MILs, but then all my mum's friends are always complaining to her about their DILs. It's all very similar - the MILs complain that the DIL isn't good enough and has ruined their son. All the DILs complain that the MILs don't like them and think they've ruined their son. I'm very grateful always for my mother who has never said a bad word about any of our spouses/partners. In fact, she spoils them rotten and gets on with them all very well.

I don't think it's inevitable that the relationship of DIL/MIL has to be a bad one, just that many people automatically start acting as if it's going to be bad.

mistypeaks · 17/06/2008 11:03

I love my MIL she's great. Sadly my mom has turned into the MIL from hell for my DH!!

Ellbell · 17/06/2008 11:10

I love my MIL and in some ways am closer to her than to my own mum (in the sense that MIL is more open about things like relationships and things, so I end up telling her things that my own mum would be uncomfortable with). It's a different relationship, but a good one.

The only time I've felt put out with her was when she told me that it was nice that dd2 had turned out to be such a pretty little girl after being such a very plain baby. (Dd2 was, and is, gorgeous of course; and, no, I am not at all biased .)

But overall she's a star. I am very lucky.

WigWamBam · 17/06/2008 11:12

I think I probably come across sometimes as MIL bashing, but that's because I need to vent about her somewhere, and getting it all out here is better than taking it out on dh.

I will never cease to be amazed (and saddened) by the way my MIL behaves with me. She isn't likely to change now though! I do see some MIL threads where I think "actually, it's you who is the problem, not your MIL", but I am also shocked at how badly some posters are treated by their MILs.

What we mustn't lose sight of is that there are plenty of nice MILs out there; we don't hear about them, though, because generally people post to vent - and you don't often need to vent about the nice ones. You get a very unbalanced view of both MILs and DILs here for that very reason.

ranting · 17/06/2008 11:21

Totally agree with Custy, some MIL bashing on here brings to mind a picture of the poor old bloke, stuck in the middle whilst mum tries to wrestle control on one side and dw is on the other, marking her territory! Clearly there are bad MILs but I also think there are bad DILs too and you can just bet they'll be a nightmare as a MIL too. It's a control thing, innit!

My MIL is bloody wonderful, we've had our moments but she is just fantastic, I can only hope that I will be half as good at the MIL bit as my own MIL. Of course, I have yet to actually meet ds's gf but as he's a teen, I accept that at some point and probably soon, another woman will be more important to him than I am and that's the way it should be.

MaryAnnSingleton · 17/06/2008 11:23

mine is great too

Dalrymps · 17/06/2008 11:26

I love my MIL, she is the loveliest person, I don't get on with my mum and she has more than made up for it. She loves ds and would do anything for him. Also, as someone else on here said I know shw feels the same about dh as I feel about ds, thinking of it like that helps you get on I think.

RhinestoneCowgirl · 17/06/2008 11:32

I neither hate nor love my MiL, I obviously care about her as she is a member of my extended family. I sometimes find her difficult to get on with, as she often likes to see the negative side of things and I am mostly an optimist.

However, I think it is really important to maintain a good relationship with her, and she is smitten with DS (first grandchild). I love the relationship that DS is developing with his Nana. I find that now DS is main focus of attention I find visits much more pleasant - remarks that would have caused me to inwardly fume I just allow to drift over my head as they really aren't important in the grand scheme of things.

It has really made me think about how I will be as a MiL, I hope I won't be terrible...

francagoestohollywood · 17/06/2008 11:37

I love my mil. She is a great, generous woman. And a fantastic grandmother.