Is this normal conflict or a sign it’s over?

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I’m looking for some honest outside perspective because I feel emotionally drained and unsure whether I’m overreacting.

We’ve had ongoing issues around communication and boundaries. When there’s conflict/discussion about how I feel, I tend to want to talk things through, as I get very anxious otherwise. He tends to shut down, withdraw, or ignore me for days. Also I’ve noticed that he tries to put everything on me most of the time which is making me bottle things up more rather than feel like I can approach him.

There’s also tension around his mum. I sometimes feel like she’s over-involved or that there aren’t clear boundaries. When I’ve tried to calmly express that I need more boundaries, it hasn’t really been received well. I’m left feeling like I’m the difficult one for even raising it.

I’ve noticed a pattern where I end up over-explaining myself, trying to fix things, trying to smooth everything over. He withdraws, goes silent, or acts like nothing needs addressing. It makes me feel like I’m always the one pushing for emotional accountability.

Am I being unreasonable to think that being told to “fuck off,” (during most recent conversation where I tried to explain that it’s becoming difficult for me to talk to him freely) combined with repeated shutdowns and lack of boundaries with his family, is enough to say this isn’t healthy? I am not expecting too much in terms of communication and respect right?

I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether this is a rough patch or a sign that we’re not compatible long-term.

I must add that it’s a second week that’s he continues to ignore me after telling me to fuck off and making it sound like I am the problem. Normally I would be the one to initiate, but this time I feel like I’m really done done.

To be honest, everything you have written screams incompatibility to me, on more than one level. I am sorry and don’t want to be the harbinger of bad news, but this sounds like such an unhappy and stressful situation for you. Good relationships don’t feel like that. I wish you all the best, you sound very switched on and the fact that you are asking the question on here suggests to me that now that you’ve ’said it out loud’ as it were, that you know the answer yourself.

PS. Darling, tell HIM to fuck off!

This isn't a healthy relationship, it sounds like you can't discuss things with him without feeling like you're treading on eggshells and that's not good at all.

Giving you the silent treatment for days or trying to gaslight you into thinking that it's all you're fault are huge red flags.

Imagine having to feel like this for the rest of your life? Can you see him changing or being open to change?

You're not wrong for wanting to put boundaries in place but it doesn't sound very likely this will happen.
It's very easy for an outsider to tell you not to stay but please do think about your future.

He isn't going to suddenly change who he is.

Whether he is reacting badly to your preferred way of dealing with things, or whether he is not a very nice person generally is irrelevant really.

You have communication issues and no relationship can really stand this for the long term, without one or both of you becoming very unhappy and feeling ignored.

It's up to you whether you work at trying to resolve it, put up with the status quo, or end the relationship.

Tell him to fuck off then move on as quickly as you can.

He sounds like a dick. You sound very intense and over analytical.

Youre just not compatible.

@Fidgety31 could you clarify what you mean by that? I’m always open to reflecting on myself, just want to understand your point better

Stonewalling is emotional abuse
ignoring you for days ?!!
this is appalling behaviour

Phrases like 'emotional accountability' and use of the word 'boundaries' does sound a bit like a self help book. Basically, he is behaving like an arse. The silent treatment is really awful to live with. You need to find someone who doesn't sulk everytime you want to talk about something.

@jlom it must be my insta algorithm talking, this is my cue that I’ve been watching too many self help videos lately😅

hes training you to not say anything he doesn’t like. you say you dont want to ask him anything and if you do speak to him he ignores you for days. so eventually hes hoping you will just not speak at all about anything deep.

id leave him as the relationship is done. hes too busy letting his mum into his head and keeping you out. he has no respect for you. without respect there is no love. why stay wirh someone who doesn’t love you?

time to go. not talk about going. there’s no point in talking to that prick. just go. or tell him to if it’s your house.

Are you married? Do you have kids? If not, I'd run a mile from any bloke who thinks it's acceptable to tell you to fuck off and gives you the silent treatment. If you have kids, it makes it more complicated to leave but I would still be thinking seriously about an ultimatum - couples therapy or split.

You’re incompatible.

Ignoring you - emotional abuse
telling you to fuck off - verbal abuse

not being able to communicate, getting defensive and arsey - Too much hassle to put up with

he sounds awful. I’d bin him off. You are not a rehab centre for this broken man.

What sort of boundaries?

in any case , get rid of him, single is better than putting up with that sh*t. Hope you meet someone better

My XH used to tell me to fuck off in arguments and then refuse to speak to me whilst glaring angrily at me. It was horrible and wore me down over time. I ended up walking on egg shells. I used to tell myself we were just bad at communicating/he was just stressed/it was just a bad patch

Im now in a relationship with someone who I am actually compatible with and the difference is like night and day. In 3 years I have never heard him raise his voice. That’s not to say we have agreed on everything (although we do on most things) but he has only ever spoken to me with kindness, love and respect.

I understand people say things in the heat of the moment, but after 2 weeks for him to still not take accountability, or be apologising sincerely, and trying to fix things, just shows he has no interest in fixing things. He just wants to be right.

I don’t think this is salvageable I’m afraid

I disagree. It's excellent use of language and these are perfect phrases to define what is missing and needed.

I have had years of therapy trying to make sense of things. I now get it....

I eventually realised - I had no boundaries, I did not understand exactly what this meant and how you physically implement them. I also learnt my entire family was coercive, never ever discussing a problem, never took accountability or responsibility for anything. I have had to learn all this and I'm now late 40s. These two things you raise are essential to healthy relationships.

Silent treatment for a prolonged period is absolutely unacceptable, I find it to be emotionally abusive inany cases; a form of control and manipulation. I used to think this was normal. I would never tolerate this now.

Why can't he just say ' I'm finding this specific thing difficult ( spell it out clearly,) and I really need some time and space to myself. It helps me process things. I'm not deliberately ignoring you:.' This is exactly what I say to my particularly difficult teenage son when I have to have space and can't face talking.

If he's telling you to fuck off - he needs a very good reason. I'm struggling to think that you deserve this. If he finds you too intense, he should be saying ' this is way too much right now. I feel totally suffocated by x y,z so please drop it.' And then he can return to discuss it properly when everyone is calm.

If he can't do this, why are you with him. He sounds a prick. He can't communicate. It's manipulative and cruel to leave someone waiting to get out their strop. If you struggle with anxiety anyway, this behaviour significantly feeds that anxiety loop. It's a known dysfunctional tactic in misbalanced relationships involving coercion. Not ok.

I don't deal with any of the people who behave like this any longer. I cut them all out gradually, this includes family. I have significant peace as a result.

Thanks, I really appreciate everyone’s input, I’ve slowly started sorting out the logistics when it happened this time, which shows me that I know that this is not going to work. I guess I just needed that extra push..

It’s a difficult one for me, as when things are good then they are good but as soon as there’s a deeper conversation or conflicts all of the above happens.

TalulahJP is correct. He is training you not to criticise his behaviour. If you asked any native English speaker to complete the phrase 'the silent . . . what?', most of them would say, 'treatment.' It's that common. It's also known as sulking, and it is theatrically performative. Nobody sulks without an audience. His audience is you. Doesn't have to be though ~ please take the excellent advice posters are giving you and create a life you want to live. This surely isn't it. Best wishes.

'When things are good, they are good' is part of the abuse. It's like 'good cop, bad cop' ~ they work in tandem. Of course it's good sometimes. This keeps you hanging around, hoping you can fix things. If he was a git all the time it wouldn't work at all; you'd be off. He needs to keep you uncertain. So far, it's working.

@The13thFairy it’s so eye opening honestly. I’ve thought about it before at times, but I think I’ve been so in love and hoped for the best that I chose to close my eyes and convince myself that that’s what a relationship is. Thank you for your time and comment.

He shouldn’t have told you to F off. You are not compatible. I become irrationally annoyed when someone wants to discuss every detail. I wouldn’t like his sulking either.
Both extremes in the opposite direction, not much hope for middle ground.

It depends.... Are you both open to the idea of relationship counselling. It can be turned around with help, but he is not responding well to your encouragement to act like an adult, so you will need outside mediation.

We've done it twice in our 22 year marriage. It works, either to save the marriage or to confirm it can't be saved

@Jopo12 the way he’s carrying, it’s hard to say. He waits for me to make things work again whilst trying to convince me that I’m the problem. I mean he’s been ignoring me for nearly two weeks, we had a trip planned that I had to cancel. I’ve approached him couple of days ago to talk about logistics moving forward and he was busy playing a game on his phone, making me talk to him without any eye contact or respect.

I guess your situation was different as both of you had enough respect from each other, I’m really happy it worked as I would definitely be willing to work on it if I fell it was worth it and not becoming abusive.

@EmeraldShamrock000 could you expand a little if you don’t mind. Do I sound extreme in my ways for wanting boundaries/respect? It’s just I’m trying to reflect on my own self and I’m definitely far from perfect.