Is this normal conflict or a sign it’s over?

[ziggyy]

I’m looking for some honest outside perspective because I feel emotionally drained and unsure whether I’m overreacting.

We’ve had ongoing issues around communication and boundaries. When there’s conflict/discussion about how I feel, I tend to want to talk things through, as I get very anxious otherwise. He tends to shut down, withdraw, or ignore me for days. Also I’ve noticed that he tries to put everything on me most of the time which is making me bottle things up more rather than feel like I can approach him.

There’s also tension around his mum. I sometimes feel like she’s over-involved or that there aren’t clear boundaries. When I’ve tried to calmly express that I need more boundaries, it hasn’t really been received well. I’m left feeling like I’m the difficult one for even raising it.

I’ve noticed a pattern where I end up over-explaining myself, trying to fix things, trying to smooth everything over. He withdraws, goes silent, or acts like nothing needs addressing. It makes me feel like I’m always the one pushing for emotional accountability.

Am I being unreasonable to think that being told to “fuck off,” (during most recent conversation where I tried to explain that it’s becoming difficult for me to talk to him freely) combined with repeated shutdowns and lack of boundaries with his family, is enough to say this isn’t healthy? I am not expecting too much in terms of communication and respect right?

I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether this is a rough patch or a sign that we’re not compatible long-term.

I must add that it’s a second week that’s he continues to ignore me after telling me to fuck off and making it sound like I am the problem. Normally I would be the one to initiate, but this time I feel like I’m really done done.

Extreme, he is bringing this out in you, the need to constantly explain and reassure him.

He has pushed you so far in the opposite direction, it is not natural and there is no middle ground.

My first long relationship was with a sulky man, he behaved like a pig, ignoring me for days. I was stupidly in love with him, he was emotionally damaged, nasty, loving and needy all in one.
I promised myself that I would never date a man who threw a mantrum again. You deserve much better.

@EmeraldShamrock000 thank you for responding and sharing your experience. I hope you’re in a better place now ❤️

Much better. You will be too when you get out of this relationship. Don’t doubt yourself, your gut is telling you x be like the Queen, never explain or complain. When he starts this, don’t reassure him, don’t explain, ignore his mood. Mirror him.
plan your exit too. You deserve better.

While I do think you are massively introspective and over analysing it's also clear that he is instigating a lot of it.
Bottom line is that none of this is normal in a good relationship.

@MabelMarple do you mean it in a negative way?

Brilliant reply. Please take note OP. This is not normal or ok at all x

He is emotionally stunted and you are suffering for it. Don't waste your time trying to understand him, he isn't worth it. Throw him back, there are better men.

He sounds horrible and it doesn't sound like he really makes you happy. Life will throw some awful stuff at you and you want someone who makes the tough times better not worse. You are pouring so much emotional energy into someone who is frankly not worth it. Please don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy - relationships really shouldn't be this hard or this exhausting. They are supposed to enhance your life, I really do think you will start to feel so much happier if you get rid and after a year or two the only thing you will regret is not getting away from him sooner. You sound amazing and he sounds the opposite. Don't over analyse it - he's just not got long term partner potential and if you have to explain what being a better one looks like than you are trying to make a silk purse out of a sow's ear! Put your future self's happiness front and centre. If he isn't able to be a great (all the time not just when it;s easy or it suits him) partner now then he either can't be arsed or doesn't have the skills too. Both mean you should get rid.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Anyone who told me to fuck off would be drop-kicked to the moon.

Ah OP, he's a vile abusive arsehole.
What are you doing accepting this and wasting your life.
Could he have any less respect and regard for you? No.

Find your self respect and get away from him asap.

Read
Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft

You deserve so much better.

It’s over. Simple. Obvious.

So I am a natural withdrawer after conflict whereas DH wants to talk it through. In my worst moments I have perhaps ignored him for a few hours when I'm really angry. I'm not proud of that and it's not ok. I do apologise and I do work with him to resolve things usually within a day if not earlier. Ignoring you for two weeks is abusive.

I don't think you need this cretin in your life.

Stop analysing why he is behaving a certain way or whether you are incompatible. Change your questions.

Would he change his personality/seek therapy to make you happier?
(If no, then leave)

Can you see yourself living this way for the next ten, twenty, forty years?
(If no, then leave)

Edited due to MN refreshing like a mouse on coke

I might go quiet for an hour - but still sulking going into the 2nd week? No no that’s not good at ALL!

Do you actually say ‘boundaries’?

If you said something like ‘goodness your mum is over a lot. Do you think we could skip a few things with her I really need to relax’ that would be fine. If you said ‘your mum is really overstepping my boundaries. I want to reassert them’ I’d think my wife had turned into some sort of American self help manual and I’d want out.

You’re incompatible OP. Split up for both of your sakes.

@firry no it was phrased differently, like I was trying to express my feelings and thoughts without even bringing his mum into it because she is not the main problem, his response to any sort of conversation is. We both speak another language so it’s difficult for me to translate and express it correctly 😅

OP, he does sound a bit of a pillock.
But I'm struggling to understand why there is so much "conflict" or why you so often feel the need to discuss your deeper feelings - that doesn't sound like a contented relationship to me.
I think the reality is that the two of you aren't compatible, but maybe you could also dial back on the 'therapy-speak' and analysis...... life isn't supposed to be this complicated!

@Miranda65 yes it’s something I’m working on! so it’s not strange you’ve noticed, thanks :)

@ziggyy

It doesn't matter if this is a new relationship or a 50 year marriage. Life is too short to put up with abuse. And that is what this is, abuse.

I agree with a PP, he is 'training you'. It happened to me and I didn't see it until I was out of the relationship. When I was in it I only knew something was 'wrong'.

If you're cohabiting leave or kick him out. If you're married see a solicitor ASAP and then tell him it's over and either leave or try to get him to leave. If you're just 'dating', tell him goodbye and block him. Because he won't go quietly. Abusers pick their victims very carefully and put a lot of 'effort' and expense into reeling them in and then training them. Victims also aren't all that easy to find. They hate to lose one and will pull out all the emotional stoppers to reel you back in.

Silent treatment is considered abuse especially when it’s for extended time periods. He can’t possibly be angry after 2 weeks. He can be annoyed for a few hours etc but not for days or weeks. It’s a way of getting you to apologise and comply without having to acknowledge your points. It works wonders doesn’t it, because here you are wondering if your relationship is over or not and is it worth it. Is putting up and shutting up better than how you feel now. The thing is it’s most likely is. Having to deal with an overbearing MIL every now and again isn’t worth breaking up over. You’ll just suck it up. however if he was to argue back and say ‘I don’t like you slagging my mom off, she’s my mom and she’s right etc, etc’ you can argue back. You can come at him with examples and how this makes you feel, which is harder to ignore and counter argue. So the easy route is to punish you into submission and he wins. I wouldn’t approach him with it this way. I think you knowing it’s abuse puts you in a far better position if you want to salvage the relationship. You need an outside person to tell him and they will. My friend did this to her husband and the marriage counsellor told her this was a form of abuse & asked what she hoped to achieve by doing it. She said for the argument to go away. I don’t want to talk about it. She was mortified because by not talking she was waiting for him to accept her view point blank is right. He would tell her she was being abusive which only made her think he was bullying her. It took an outsider for her to change. If you don’t want to carry on then say yes to immature and you want to be with an adult

Thank you all!

He's showing you and telling you who he is, how he feels. Don't look back, he has no respect for you. End this. You deserve better. Being single is great. Dating men who like you is great. This is not great. Go.

I came up with a plan to leave it’s just the logistics left to sort out really. I’m questioning myself a lot a guess it’s just a circle that I have to end and move on from otherwise it will always be the same. Thank you all once again.

He told you to fuck off. Take him at his word and do so.

If you're married, divorce, sell up, and move on.

If living together, whoever's home it is stays and the other leaves. Find place, pack stuff, done.

If you live apart, easy. Block and go no contact.