To decide not to have a 3rd child

[chippingsparrow]

We have 2 kids, DD13 and DS10.
My husband always wanted 3. I was on the fence for a few years, but then I made peace with the idea that we would stop at 2 children. Our kids were very, very active, and I feel like only in the past year have we finally had things together and been able to catch a break. DH would gently drop hints sometimes that he still wanted three and hoped I’d change my mind.

Two months ago, I became pregnant unexpectedly. Even though it was a surprise, we were both delighted. We started making all the plans: what we would do with a third child, my job, moving house, etc. Our children, especially DD13, were very excited, as they are both very keen on having a younger sibling.
And then I had an early miscarriage. I’m still recovering from the loss and feel completely confused.

Having just gone through the excitement of expecting a baby and then having it taken away makes me wonder if I would ever regret not trying again. The clock is ticking (I’ll be 40 next year). With the pregnancy risks are higher, and I’m scared it might happen again. Although I’ve envisioned our older children adoring the baby and she/he bringing a lot of joy, I’m also dreading the sleepless nights and the extended responsibilities.

Please tell me will I regret not having the 3rd?
I just want to be able to make up my mind and us find peace again if we decide not to have another child.

You are very fortunate. You have two active, healthy, children who are starting to gain independence and in a few years you’ll have more time to focus on yourselves - maybe travel a bit more, weekends away, indulge in a hobby or two. Having a baby now would reset your childrearing clock back to zero.

Do you really want to do the sleepless nights, the school gate, the juggling childcare, the endless soft play parties, etc. etc.? My two are a few years older than yours, but I can’t imagine anything worse. The desire for another child is very common as menopause approaches- a ‘last gasp’ at procreation, if you will. In your shoes I would count my blessings.

It’s possible your kids were excited by the novelty but don’t understand what really comes with a baby and then a toddler.

My 2 year old is still a shit sleeper, we are exhausted, she is clingy and takes my attention away from my 5 year old.

Personally, i wouldn’t want to be dealing with all this while my older kids were going through important years at school.

Sorry for your loss OP.
A third especially with a gap is hard work, you just have to decide if you want your independence and some you time or you want to go back to no sleep, nappies and school runs again.
Thats the toss up really. A baby will of course bring lots of joy but with added work.
I hope whatever you decide you are happy.

Sorry for your loss.

This might be controversial on MN, and many posters will disagree, but i think having the energy to have a baby at 40+ does not necessarily equate to having the energy for a 5 year old at 45+, and / or a teenager at 53+.

Also, a big age gap can be challenging especially, if you already have teenagers (or approaching teenagers,) then a baby at 40+.

I have a big age gap: my eldest was 8, then 10 then 12 when their siblings were born, and I had my last baby at 35.

My energy levels with menopause and working full time are shockingly low - I didn't realise the full impact menopause would have on my sleep, energy, my need for quiet and calm, and my mental health (anxiety, drop in confidence), aching jpints, etc.

If my youngest had been born when I was 40+ rather than 30, I would be on my knees now with a 10year old.

I now have gorgeous DGCs added into the mix, but if my youngest was 10 now, I definitely wouldn't have the energy to look after them as much as I would want to. I barely have the energy now after being at work all week.

I don't think you'll regret it, OP. I'm so glad I had my last DC at 35 and not any older.

Sorry - just reread my post. I had my last DC at 35, but my first post says 30.

Sorry for your loss.

Personally i’d stick with 2. They are getting to an age where you can do a lot more things with them, and adding in a baby then toddler means that all changes. Days out / holidays will all have to be adjusted to suit a young child. My brother and SIL had a late in life baby and 4yrs on, they are exhausted. I certainly have a lot less energy as i’ve gone through my 40’s. I certainly wouldn’t want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights when your kids are growing up. I’d have said maybe 5yrs ago, but not now. Your choice though, but any time for you / your husband will be put back a decade plus.

Totally agree re menopause. It’s only just starting for me and it’s horrendous. My sleep is terrible, irritable, certainly couldn’t cope with this and a young child.

The desire for another child is very common as menopause approaches.

Is it? I was doing everything I could to avoid getting pregnant at 40. DDs were ten and seven and there was no way we wanted to start again with a baby. And I was diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS and had just had surgery.

Just from an adult sibling perspective, my DH is 12 years older than his youngest brother and they are not close at all. The age gap is just too big and I don’t think his younger brother can even remember DH living at home with them.

My parents had another child when my sister and I were 10 & 15. We love him dearly but looking back it was a rubbish decision and changed so much (and not for the better!)

I have a 14yr old stepson, a toddler and expecting again. Ive been in stepsons life sinec he was 3/4. Im 32, DH 37.
The age gap is really tough. There's no way I would do it at 40. The teen has an established social / sports life and that means the toddler is dragged around to sports pitches etc every weekend, I do bedtime alone most evenings as DH is out with stepson at activities. Stepson was excited for a sibling, but the reality of a baby who never slept and 2 tired parents wasn't all it's cracked up to be.

We are expecting now but had agreed that if I wasn't pregnant by middle of 2026, then we would stop trying because I didn't want another age gap (even if it meant 4 years).

We were out of the softplay era and having to dupervise everything stepson did (ge could play in our garden or estate with friends independently, and was happy to sort breakfast or lunch for himself sometimes). Then BOOM, you're thrown back into nappies, sleepless nights, juggling creche and school runs, by the time youngest is starting primary the eldest will be in college.

Realistically you'll be in retirement and probably putting the youngest through college... is that something you could do.or would you need to work longer?

Obviously if you both have a longing for a baby, you'd make it work. But it's tough work.

God no. Why on earth would you want to start all over again? The child will essentially be an only. Plus Phase is spot on you feel so differently at 42 to 49. It’s a world apart. When your hormones change you are unlikely to want to do the full on parenting a younger child needs in your early 50s.

Thanks, everyone, for the replies. I agree with them all, we’ve all been excited by the novelty of having a baby, but practically speaking, there are a lot of trade-offs that come with it.

DD is borderline ADHD. We’ve gone through a few rough years managing her emotions and behaviors, as well as sibling rivalry, and only since last year have they started getting along better. (Although she’s always been amazing with babies and small children - she only fights with her own brother, lol.) We also travel quite often, and having a baby would completely change the dynamics.

Having said that, after going through a short time of expecting a baby and now thinking we may never have one again absolutely breaks my heart. I think I just need to get over the emotions and start thinking more rationally.

Sorry for your loss. It seems like you do want a baby to some extent, as you are still thinking about it. I would consider it if your husband would take 6-8 months of leave to be with the baby. Otherwise it seems like everyone gets to have only the nice aspects of having a new baby except you.

Sounds trite but have you considered getting a pet? A kitten would be a far easier way of recreating that “ooh exciting change” for your older two than a new baby!

I’m sorry for your loss. Though not as big an age gap as you would have had when my youngest was 4 (I was 34) I wanted a 3rd. Husband was on board. I was a STHM. Both my sons are close in age. My husband is the eldest of 3 and what he did say is there is potential if the 3rd was a girl for one to be left out especially as siblings are close in age and same sex. This may sound calculated but I made a list of pros and cons and the cons outweighed the pros and having really thought about I think my urge for a 3rd was more to do with my youngest starting school etc. Once we were 100% certain we weren’t having any more my husband had a vasectomy.

I am sorry for your loss.
You don’t need to decide immediately. Allow yourself to heal first and then consider your options.
I had a miscarriage at 42 and then had my third baby the week after I turned 44. All conceived naturally. I’ve No regrets.
my others were younger, 4 and 8 when my third was born. They absolutely adore their brother.
I was happy to go back into those long nights breastfeeding all night long, and all the exhaustion juggling the other two aswell.

my baby is 21 months old now, we still do family holidays - we went away lots last year. Two big holidays and 5 long weekends away.

@Rubberduck01was it mostly the age gap that was a con, if you don’t mind me asking? I have two very close together, my youngest is now just two. Already it feels like the age gap with a third would be too big, with a risk of the youngest getting left out

Yes mainly. My two are a year apart so even if I conceived quickly we were looking at a 5 year gap, so it felt like we would be starting out over. It would have also meant we would have needed a bigger car and possibly having a fourth so one was not left out.

He earns over twice as me and is not very good with very small children so I don't think it makes sense for him to take extended leave. I also think he likes the idea of 3rd child but he totally forgot how hard it was having a baby.
The older ones might be useful to some extent but to be fair, the main load will be on me.

It's a great idea. DD asked exactly the same thing just the other day. We live in a flat right now but when we move to a house it would be possible to get a dog.

I think you would be crazy to go back to the baby days when you're other dc are those ages. Having to go back into nappies, prams, adding aother decade of school runs etc. If you had really wanted another I suspect you would have done so much sooner. It could definitely be your hormones! A dog is a great, alternative idea 🤗

OP, I had my second at 38. It was fine at the time but now that I’m 43 and she’s 5, I honestly feel quite tired of parenting still young kids, work, all that. I now think it would have been a great idea to be done with having kids by 35 at the latest. However, that’s not how my life played out and I started quite late. If my kids were teenagers there’s no way I would start over with a new baby - nor would I want another baby with my now 5 and 7yos, The feeling of simply not having the energy for that has only grown stronger over the years, even if my DH also wanted a third at some point. I guess by now he too can see that we’re just too old and tired for that 😀

I blamed the hormones too. I've been crying for the whole week and today my beta-hCG dropped to non-pregnancy level I've felt better and started to be able think properly.

Thanks for sharing. DH is 47 now so if we have a baby he will be in his 60s when the child becomes a teen. He keeps saying he'd be fine with a baby but to be honest, he's a good dad but not very hands-on & not very energetic either so I don't think he would have the energy to do much with a teenager in his 60s.