To decide not to have a 3rd child

[chippingsparrow]

We have 2 kids, DD13 and DS10.
My husband always wanted 3. I was on the fence for a few years, but then I made peace with the idea that we would stop at 2 children. Our kids were very, very active, and I feel like only in the past year have we finally had things together and been able to catch a break. DH would gently drop hints sometimes that he still wanted three and hoped I’d change my mind.

Two months ago, I became pregnant unexpectedly. Even though it was a surprise, we were both delighted. We started making all the plans: what we would do with a third child, my job, moving house, etc. Our children, especially DD13, were very excited, as they are both very keen on having a younger sibling.
And then I had an early miscarriage. I’m still recovering from the loss and feel completely confused.

Having just gone through the excitement of expecting a baby and then having it taken away makes me wonder if I would ever regret not trying again. The clock is ticking (I’ll be 40 next year). With the pregnancy risks are higher, and I’m scared it might happen again. Although I’ve envisioned our older children adoring the baby and she/he bringing a lot of joy, I’m also dreading the sleepless nights and the extended responsibilities.

Please tell me will I regret not having the 3rd?
I just want to be able to make up my mind and us find peace again if we decide not to have another child.

No chance would i want no3 with those age gaps. You're just getting your life back. It'd be another 10years to get back to where you are. Imagine teenagers and toddlers waking each other with their opposite sleep schedules.

If you do decide to have one, then I'd definitely wait until the 20week scan to share the news with your children. There's no need to make them sad if there's something wrong.

Yea, my DH is the same. He definitely doesn’t seem to have that much energy for our two, so I don’t understand how on earth he thinks he could easily manage a third. He’s also 47.

I grew up thinking I wanted five kids! I didn’t meet my DH til I was 39 though and was fortunate to have two healthy children. My DH also had two from his previous marriage and the eldest (a young teen) lived with us full time. Now my DH was happy to have more kids with me despite having a 11 and 13 year old because he was not the one doing the bulk of the care! But even though I was unlikely (not impossible as I have two friends who had children at 45 and 46, both conceived naturally) to have a child at 45 (my youngest I had at 43), after coping with two under two it was no thanks to any more! Maybe, maybe, if I had met my DH a decade earlier I might have but I’m not so sure. I’m from a family of three and it does tip the balance. Two parents two kids works, three and things get tricky.
You could decide to let nature take its course though. A relative did that; thought she was one and done then marriage breakdown new partner and while they weren’t trying she fell pregnant late 30s and lost it. So they decided to just to see what might happen. She didn’t get pregnant again but I think there was some regret there, as both were quite delighted at the prospect of a child together, but didn’t really realise til she got pregnant.

I wouldn't want those age gaps TBH and I'd worry about parental ages as well.

It's a personal choice but I'd certainly wait till you feel more stable phyically and emotionally before making it and if your unsure the answer should be no - it's always a head vs heart issue but worth looking at pro and cons list anyway.

I had a third at 41/42 when our elder two were 7 and 9 -- they're now 13, 11 and 3 (nearly 4). It absolutely made our family to be honest, our littlest is a total delight. I wish we'd had him sooner and/or had more. (It took me years to persuade my husband!) I think 3+ is quite a different ball-game from 1 or 2 and it's not for everyone, it does change the dynamic a lot. But we were so much more relaxed third time round, and I find the teenager/toddler dynamic incredibly sweet and moving. Obviously it's a big change though in terms of flexibility/activities etc and it has extended our intense parenting years very considerably.