Friend from America

[Plymouthho1]

Some advice please. I have an American friend who I have known for over 50 years. She visits twice a year. I am not wealthy, she is. This time she hosted me for a night in London and then stayed with me for 4 nights. I always bend over backwards to give her a nice time. I bought her train tickets, stocked up with things I know she likes. She likes to eat out and we either split the bill or go in turns to pay. This time I would say it cost me about £500 to have her to stay. I can't carry on doing this. Is it time to call it a day?

Depends how good a friend she is. Can’t you speak to her?

Why would you simply call it a day? Surely you just say you like having her but times are tough and you can’t afford it anymore. She pays for stuff and she’s welcome to stay or you keep in touch remotely.

Surely you can just let her know that you need to keep costs down? I’ve never met an American who doesn’t mind gentle straight talking.

Talk to her.

If you want to stay friends, then you can certainly do that without spending loads of money. Bending over backwards shouldn't be a requirement. If you think your friendship only works with huge amounts of spending, then it's not a real friendship and you won't miss it.

Or maybe you just be an actual grownup and say "Hey, you're more than welcome to visit, but I'm not in a position to go out and do as much as we usually do"

Why would you just stop being friends with her?

Well it's definitely time to speak to your friend, isn't it? 😳

Although 'friend' seems to stand for 'person I actually can't speak to or be honest with' on Mumsnet.

You just need to reduce your costs/spends

Just tell her you've been struggling for cash & that she's welcome as you'd love to see her, but you may have to eat in for the week.

You'd stop being friends with her instead of having a conversation? Mental.

Do you enjoy her company? If so you just need to be honest about what you can afford, I have friends who earn loads more money than me and I have to be upfront sometimes when they suggest things way out of my budget.

Just say to her now, so it’s not directly connected to the next trip that next time you’ll have to cut your costs down so you won’t be able to cover train tickets or loads of meals out.

She won’t know unless you tell her, but there’s no need to end the friendship over it.

If you're such old friends you should be able to explain things. Please talk to her.

Don’t lose your friends. just explain times are tough. You can’t afford days out or meals but you would love her company and you can cook at home. She’s a friend who loves you she won’t care about the other things or she may consider paying.

You’d really call it a day on the friendship because you can’t afford an expensive weekend with her? What? Just explain it to her! Christ.

I am extremely broke. I have a very dear friend of about 25 years. She knows I’m skint and we either go somewhere I can afford or stay at home. Does your friend know your financial difficulties? I’m sure she wouldn’t want to lose you over money!

Well it is Mumsnet after all.

Someone will no doubt be along to suggest ghosting her or sending an anonymous note.

I would be quite upset if a friend decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore because she feel like she could tell me about her financial situation. Friends shouldn't care what's in your bank account.

True, or maybe just a hitman so the issue would be really over😂

Does she fly over to visit you?
In that case she’s spending at least the same if not more.
What sort of things did you pay for or is it just what you were spending socialising overall?
She flew over, treated you both to a hotel, you take it in turns when eating out and you cover some things for a few days at home? Seems fairly even imo.

Speak your friend, I would hate to put anyone under financial strain.

Why would you lose a friendship because you are embarrassed @Plymouthho1?

If she is a true friend then she'll completely understand your financial struggle and it will make no difference, at all, to her.

Unless, you, ofc, are afraid you'll lose face and will feel humiliated, somehow?

My American friends of over 30 years completely understand that they are rich and I am not. They don’t expect me to treat them to anything when they are here and we go out to restaurants and stay in hotels, if on a trip, that I can afford. When I go there I treat them to one good dinner at the end of my stay. Real friends will understand.

Why would you buy her train tickets?
and if you don’t want to eat out, don’t.
This is a problem of your own making.

YABU

A 50 yr friendship youre going to burn rather than open your mouth and use your words to say you can afford to spend at the previous level.

Ridiculous

Just spend less.