Friend from America

[Plymouthho1]

Some advice please. I have an American friend who I have known for over 50 years. She visits twice a year. I am not wealthy, she is. This time she hosted me for a night in London and then stayed with me for 4 nights. I always bend over backwards to give her a nice time. I bought her train tickets, stocked up with things I know she likes. She likes to eat out and we either split the bill or go in turns to pay. This time I would say it cost me about £500 to have her to stay. I can't carry on doing this. Is it time to call it a day?

You're friends so talk to her. Americans tend to be more direct than Brits so you have a long friendship so have a conversation ahead of the next trip that you can't afford as much so you can do some cheaper things etc and if she is willing she will offer to pay for the expensive stuff if she insists on doing them

Don't get yourself in debt or financial strain to avoid upsetting your friend.

Yabu

You would ditch a friend of 50 years for this? Says more about you than your friend. If you can’t afford it tell her so and cook at your home

There must be something in-between 'calling it a day' and seeing her again and spending £500 every time she visits.

There are loads of things you can do with her without spending loads of money. Talk to her and come up with some new ideas

This, you’ve known her 50 years so surely you can discuss. She could get her train ticket, you can go out once then have nice meals in, go out for lunch or coffee and cake as a cheaper alternative to dinner….

Exactly this, why make it an either or situation?
Friendships that have lasted 50 years should be cherished.

Not unreasonable at all to admit to her this is too expensive for you, but it would be a shame to end a 50 year friendship over it. Can't you just host her at your place, eat homecooked meals or maybe order a curry some evenings? Yes, she likes to eat out, but would she insist on that if she knew how hard it was for you to financially recuperate from her visit?

Although 'friend' seems to stand for 'person I actually can't speak to or be honest with' on Mumsnet.

So true!

Friends 50 years but you can't just tell her you are skint? Not really a friend then.

I don’t think this is because she’s American. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Everyone who comes to eat all my food and drink all my drink and never reciprocates is British. 😂

Surely, she’s spending thousands to come visit you. Next year offer to visit her. It will cost you more than £500. That said, it’s totally fine to say you can’t do next year or you can’t host, but you’ll meet her for a day.

ending a friendship because you’re too awkward to speak about money seems extreme

Have you tried a conversation before quitting ? Maybe she will say omg I dont care at all we can stay in and eat jam sandwiches for all i care and the problem is solved!!

UK prices probably seem cheap/reasonable to her at the moment given the cost of groceries in the US and the exchange rate $ to £ will be favourable for her.

If you were my friend i would be horrified that i had put you in such a position and would certainly be glad you took the time to speak to me and let me know i needed to take your situation into account and pay for the train tickets etc. Just tell her.

Yes you simply must call it a day. You’ve obviously exhausted all available options so what else can you possibly do?

I’ve said YABU - speak to her. She’s an old friend.

She may be spending a lot to come and see you but it seems like she can afford it. Is she also touring around, doing other touristy things, seeing other people? Do you ever go to visit her in the States?
Surely if you're good friends you can talk to her and explain hosting is getting too expensive for you and you'll have to keep it a bit simpler next time? She may like eating out but a few more home cooked meals would be OK. Don't buy her train tickets - she can afford to buy those herself. Don't have her host you in London if you then feel indebted. Think of what you can do together as old friends that doesn't cost the earth but shows you have thought of her.

If I knew my friend was struggling and I was very wealthy, I would continue to host her where I could and then also pay my own way without a single thought of resentment. Just chat with her.

Came here to say that.

Buying train tickets is bonkers.

Absolutely. You need to stress you love her visiting but times are tough financially. Have say one meal out and go halves.

I've got a friend from the US that I've known the best part of 40 years.
She's stayed with me a few times when visiting. I helped her out with the techincalities of booking things, and paid for a meal out. She paid her own way for things she wanted to do.
Same when I visited her.

As your friend is wealthy she may just not be realising that it's not so easy for people with less disposable income. Just tell her you need to stick to a budget.

Why on earth are you buying her train tickets and adding to your grocery bill?? Just do cheap things!

But why are you bending backwards in such a way where it's putting you in financial distress? For eg. Why are you buying her train tickets? Also, has she ever spoken about reimbursing you for them? You don't have to always stock up on everything she likes- sounds a bit much. Be hospitable but there's no need to go over the top with it.

I think she would rather you spend less and communicate with her than just cut her out for such a stupid reason - she isn't asking you to do this, she is just coming to see you.

I'm not sure you even need to make a massive thing about this.

Don't buy any more train tickets

Oh I thought it'd be nice to eat in tonight, I've cooked us <insert favourite easy dish>

Do you fancy the V&A (or any other free museum/cheap activity) tomorrow?

Just gently steer things towards stuff that's more affordable.