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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My beautiful mixed race dd worried about war.

60 replies

malificent7 · 03/03/2026 13:27

Dd is half iranian. Iranian Dad is not around. In Uk btw running a business but not really involved. She is worried about anti Iranian feeling which is so sad as she was just feeling so proud of her iranian/persian heritage. We were doing persian cookery I've already had a few anti iranian comments this morning at work. I havn't mentioned dds ethnicity.
How do I deal with this?
Obviously I will carry on the cooking etc.
Please be gentle btw.

OP posts:
HeadDeskHeadDesk · 03/03/2026 14:24

Raquelos · 03/03/2026 13:50

I am so sorry she is worried. As others have said, I am surprised that you are seeing anti-Iranian sentiment, as it is the opposite of what I am seeing. Perhaps she could emphasise Persian rather than Iranian to help stupid people distinguish between the people and the regime.

She's a little girl. Why does she need to emphasise anything about her heritage to anyone? Unless she or her mother goes around volunteering the information that she's half Iranian for no particular reason to complete strangers I honestly don't understand how this is likely to become a thing.

OP you need to explain to her that if she overhears lots of negativity coming from the media or in general conversation about Iran, it's NOT a reflection of most people's feelings on moderate Iranian people. Most people fully support the millions of decent, moderate Iranians and wish only the best for them. It's purely a comment on the political and religious regime there. She needs to understand the difference between people discussing Iran the Regime and Iranians the People. So that's how you can really help her, by making sure she knows the difference.

I think if you ask most people who have any modicum of intelligence and any interest in history or word affairs they'll tell you that Iranians/Persians are and have been for millenia, among the most civilised, intellectually highly developed, cultured, decent, generous, dignified and brave people on the planet.

You could also explain to her that if she hears anything that feels like a personal attack, for example from other children at school who might have picked up on Iran being 'the enemy' trying to fight us and/or our allies, then she is not to take it personally and realise that they are just ignorant of the facts and the nuance of the situation.

Dollymylove · 03/03/2026 14:25

Anti Iranian as in the terror regime? Or anti Iranian people who are bravely fighting against the regime?
If its the latter then your DD mustn't worry.
Its only the rabid lefties who dont want them kicked out.
The vast majority are cheering them on for a peaceful PERSIA 👍👍

KaleidoscopeSmile · 03/03/2026 14:27

Were these several comments that you've heard today at work against Iranian people because I have a hell of a problem believing that?

MajorProcrastination · 03/03/2026 14:33

I'd like to think most intelligent people can understand that many Iranians who live in Iran also don't like the Iranian regime and have been harmed by its actions themselves. How old is she? I found the Persepolis graphic novels by Marjane Satrapi really powerful in helping my older children/teens understand the background and to see the range of ways that the regime impacted on people living there. Also, just as a great example of an Iranian woman who's used her creative skill to tell the story and share her truth. It's been made into an animated film too (originally in French I think). I don't know her age but wanted to mention it.

Sidebeforeself · 03/03/2026 14:34

Well, there might not be a lot of anti Iranian or anti Persian sentiment around (for now) but theres a hell of a lot of anti brown people sentiment and people inclined to be like that will just welcome the excuse.

Westfacing · 03/03/2026 14:41

I haven't heard any anti-Iranian sentiment, in fact the opposite - everyone is supportive of ordinary Iranian people.

Being anti-regime doesn't mean being anti-Iranian.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 03/03/2026 14:45

Sidebeforeself · 03/03/2026 14:34

Well, there might not be a lot of anti Iranian or anti Persian sentiment around (for now) but theres a hell of a lot of anti brown people sentiment and people inclined to be like that will just welcome the excuse.

If the OP's DD is going to experience racism on the basis of looking racially and ethnically ambiguous, just a slightly brown, then she's probably already getting that. I don't see what difference a war is going to make to racists who were already racist before four days ago.

NotAnotherScarf · 03/03/2026 15:00

BishyBarnyBee · 03/03/2026 14:14

That's an awful comment. Her daughter has Iranian heritage, it literally is about her country of origin and how she feels about it.

It's not like someone saying "OMG. I went in holiday to Iran once". Her daughter doesn't have her Iranian parent around to help her process what's going on. @youalright, you ABVU.

Have you read the ops post? "How will I cope with this" being the key question... not how do I explain it to my daughter/help her

Plus "anti Iranian comments". No probably anti Iranian government comments. Everyone I've ever discussed Iran with has been pro the people anti the regime...and Iran have been a topic for discussion a lot over the last 50 years

Sidebeforeself · 03/03/2026 15:03

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 03/03/2026 14:45

If the OP's DD is going to experience racism on the basis of looking racially and ethnically ambiguous, just a slightly brown, then she's probably already getting that. I don't see what difference a war is going to make to racists who were already racist before four days ago.

Yeah that’s my point .

FiatLuxAdAstra · 03/03/2026 15:08

I’d be honest. During Brexit, Eastern Europeans were harassed and beaten, one was even killed.
During Covid, East Asian people were harassed and beaten in the streets.

During the Gaza/Israel conflict both Jewish antisemitic and Muslim islmaphobia hate crimes skyrocketed.

Putin in Ukraine has stoked anti-Russian hatred.

The grooming gang scandals has been manipulated into anti Pakistan bigotry not seen since the 80s despite white British being disproportionally responsible for child sex exploitation.

Trump’s antics and warmongering has pushed up antiAmerican sentiments.

During the troubles the Irish were hated.

With Reform, there is alot of xenophobia and racism to go around today.

Anti-Iran/Persiam sentiment due to fighting in Iran is being added to a long list of people many British Bigots feel they have carte blanche to harass and attack.

England isn’t a safe country any more for me and many others.

BishyBarnyBee · 03/03/2026 15:57

NotAnotherScarf · 03/03/2026 15:00

Have you read the ops post? "How will I cope with this" being the key question... not how do I explain it to my daughter/help her

Plus "anti Iranian comments". No probably anti Iranian government comments. Everyone I've ever discussed Iran with has been pro the people anti the regime...and Iran have been a topic for discussion a lot over the last 50 years

She asked "How do I deal with this?". Not "How will I cope with this". Very different.

Baital · 03/03/2026 17:20

As the mother of a black DD i tend to say, if someone starts on racist crap, that my DD is black. There is then an embarrassed pause and they hastily start saying 'of course, I don't mean all black people '.

And keep celebrating both heritages.

Clavinova · 03/03/2026 19:47

FiatLuxAdAstra · 03/03/2026 15:08

I’d be honest. During Brexit, Eastern Europeans were harassed and beaten, one was even killed.
During Covid, East Asian people were harassed and beaten in the streets.

During the Gaza/Israel conflict both Jewish antisemitic and Muslim islmaphobia hate crimes skyrocketed.

Putin in Ukraine has stoked anti-Russian hatred.

The grooming gang scandals has been manipulated into anti Pakistan bigotry not seen since the 80s despite white British being disproportionally responsible for child sex exploitation.

Trump’s antics and warmongering has pushed up antiAmerican sentiments.

During the troubles the Irish were hated.

With Reform, there is alot of xenophobia and racism to go around today.

Anti-Iran/Persiam sentiment due to fighting in Iran is being added to a long list of people many British Bigots feel they have carte blanche to harass and attack.

England isn’t a safe country any more for me and many others.

I’d be honest. During Brexit, Eastern Europeans were harassed and beaten, one was even killed

One was even killed

If you are referring to the death of Arkadiusz Jozwik in August 2016, this was originally framed as a Brexit-related hate crime but turned out not to be the case. In fact it was subsequently reported after the trial that the Polish men were the ones making racist remarks, not the British youths (one or more of the youths were not white);

Patrick Upward, mitigating, said: “The deceased and his companion, according to the witnesses called by the prosecution, were staggering from drink; they made racist remarks; they invited violence from those youngsters; and they were considerably bigger and stronger than the young people involved.

“It was after the deceased pushed one of the youngsters that this defendant did what he did and that presents a rather different picture from the hullabaloo that arose after this incident took place.”

(One youth was sentenced to three years for manslaughter)

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/sep/08/teenager-killed-polish-man-arkadiusz-jozwik-harlow-essex-detained

white British being disproportionally responsible for child sex exploitation

Please read Baroness Casey's report regarding ethnicity and data;

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-audit-on-group-based-child-sexual-exploitation-and-abuse/national-audit-on-group-based-child-sexual-exploitation-and-abuse-accessible

muminherts · 03/03/2026 19:55

I have met so many wonderful Iranian heritage through work and study. I really have never heard any anti Iranian sentiment and people know the ordinary people have been protesting against the regime.

StickySeason · 03/03/2026 20:08

Nah.

I have never heard anyone speak badly of the Iranian people. Most people feel sorry for what has become of Iran and how appallingly the Iranian people have been treated. So receiving multiple criticisms in one day doesn’t sound realistic.

BishyBarnyBee · 03/03/2026 21:51

StickySeason · 03/03/2026 20:08

Nah.

I have never heard anyone speak badly of the Iranian people. Most people feel sorry for what has become of Iran and how appallingly the Iranian people have been treated. So receiving multiple criticisms in one day doesn’t sound realistic.

It's quite possible you could hear lots of comments about the Iranian regime being brutal though.

JSMill · 03/03/2026 21:57

No one in the UK thinks the Iranian people and the regime are the same thing, so I think it’s fine for your dd to be open about her heritage. Actually I believe everyone should be open about their heritage.

Bigwelshlamb · 03/03/2026 21:59

I'm my work place today we were mainly discussing how anti Trump and Bebe we were and despite everything, killing their religious leader during Ramadan was designed to inflame... No one is surprised at the retaliation and I don't know anyone blaming Iranian people, quite opposite.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/03/2026 22:00

Really sad, especially as post of the Iranians in uk are ones that wanted to escape that regime

FiatLuxAdAstra · 06/03/2026 21:54

Clavinova · 03/03/2026 19:47

I’d be honest. During Brexit, Eastern Europeans were harassed and beaten, one was even killed

One was even killed

If you are referring to the death of Arkadiusz Jozwik in August 2016, this was originally framed as a Brexit-related hate crime but turned out not to be the case. In fact it was subsequently reported after the trial that the Polish men were the ones making racist remarks, not the British youths (one or more of the youths were not white);

Patrick Upward, mitigating, said: “The deceased and his companion, according to the witnesses called by the prosecution, were staggering from drink; they made racist remarks; they invited violence from those youngsters; and they were considerably bigger and stronger than the young people involved.

“It was after the deceased pushed one of the youngsters that this defendant did what he did and that presents a rather different picture from the hullabaloo that arose after this incident took place.”

(One youth was sentenced to three years for manslaughter)

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/sep/08/teenager-killed-polish-man-arkadiusz-jozwik-harlow-essex-detained

white British being disproportionally responsible for child sex exploitation

Please read Baroness Casey's report regarding ethnicity and data;

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/national-audit-on-group-based-child-sexual-exploitation-and-abuse/national-audit-on-group-based-child-sexual-exploitation-and-abuse-accessible

Edited

27 August 2016, Arkadiusz "Arek" Jóźwik, a 40-year-old Polish immigrant in Harlow, Essex, was punched in the back of the head by a 15-year-old male and died in hospital two days later as a result of injuries caused when he hit the ground. The attacker, who can not be named in the British media due to his age, was found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to three years' incarceration in a Young Offender Institution.[1] He was on bail at the time of the attack and had two prior convictions, for possession of a knuckle duster and for threatening behaviour.[1]

You’re quite right, a fine British teen that was definitely provoked into sneaking up behind a foreigner and punching him so hard in the back of the head, he killed him. The victim never pushed him according to court records.

What we know from the national level data we DO have:
“The vast majority of child sex offenders in England and Wales are male, with men representing 82% of perpetrators of child sexual abuse and 90% of "contact" child sexual abuse in 2023.[25] A 2025 report by the Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse said that the ethnic background of offenders was recorded in 69% of cases, of which 90% were white, 5% were Asian, 2% were Black, 2% were from mixed ethnic backgrounds and 1% were from "other" ethnic backgrounds.[26] The Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse used statistics from the Ministry of Justice which show that white offenders are disproportionately over-represented in the numbers of defendants when compared to the 2021 Census which shows whites make up 81.7% of the general population in England and Wales, 9.3% identify as Asian, 4% identify as black, 2.2% identify as mixed race and 1% identify as 'other'.[27] “

What is currently being done:
“Nine thousand cases of child sexual exploitation are being reviewed by the Metropolitan Police, the force has confirmed. In a statement, the Met said it was reinvestigating the cases which involve "intra-familial, peer-on-peer and in institutional settings, along with those which do not fit the common understanding of a 'grooming gang'". The cases are being re-examined following a national review (Baroness Casey report) into group-based child sexual exploitation which found it was more widespread, organised, and underreported than previously acknowledged.”

And from BBC
The government asked Baroness Casey to carry out the audit, examining existing data and evidence on the nature and scale of group-based child sexual abuse, in January.
Here are some of its key findings and recommendations.
Lack of reliable data
The report highlights flaws in data collection, which it says means it is not possible to assess the scale of the issue.
It cites the Complex and Organised Child Abuse Dataset which identified around 700 recorded offences of group-based child sexual exploitation in 2023, saying this is the only figure on group-based child sexual exploitation.
The report says this is highly unlikely to reflect the true scale of the issue, given this crime is under-reported and suffers from confusing and inconsistently applied definitions.

Ethnicity of perpetrators
One key data gap highlighted by the report is on ethnicity, which is described as "appalling" and a "major failing".
It says the ethnicity of perpetrators is "shied away from" and still not recorded in two-thirds of cases, meaning it is not possible to draw conclusions at a national level.
However, the report says there is enough evidence from police data in three areas - Greater Manchester, South Yorkshire and West Yorkshire - to show "disproportionate numbers of men from Asian ethnic backgrounds amongst suspects for group-based child sexual exploitation".
(note that these are 3 areas with a high % of Asian populations so it does not override the national level data we do have)

In October 2022, child protection expert Prof Alexis Jay finished a seven-year inquiry into the countless ways children had been sexually abused in England and Wales.
She had presided over hundreds of days of evidence in which victims described their treatment and those who had the duty to protect them answered for their failings.
Her team had investigated abuse in churches, schools, custodial institutions, political parties, religious groups, and children's homes.
She found that over decades, children had been harmed online, offline, in the UK and abroad, by individuals and paedophile networks, including grooming gangs, on the streets of British towns and cities.

The inquiry recommended a major effort to produce better data on child abuse, creating a single core set of figures covering the age, sex and ethnicity of victims and perpetrators, the places in which abuse happens, and the factors that make children vulnerable.

The Conservatives set up research projects in several government departments to improve the data. Suella Braverman, then home secretary, created what she described as a "grooming gangs taskforce". The police disliked the grooming gangs description and rebadged it as the child sexual exploitation taskforce as it would also fight groups of abusers in institutions, families and online.
It provides intelligence and expertise to police forces through a variety of programmes, and has begun to gather consistent data. However, statistics on the ethnicity of abusers, a key issue in the grooming gangs debate, are hard to obtain.

Prof Jay's inquiry found police were "not confident" about gathering this information. A suspect's race can be identified definitively only after they have been arrested, by asking them at a time when they have a right to remain silent.
Latest figures show there is a long way to go. In 2023, police tackling organised abuse recorded the ethnicity of 34% of suspects and 47% of victims. Cooper says she is working to "improve the accuracy and robustness of the data and analysis".

Clavinova · 06/03/2026 23:21

FiatLuxAdAstra · 06/03/2026 21:54

27 August 2016, Arkadiusz "Arek" Jóźwik, a 40-year-old Polish immigrant in Harlow, Essex, was punched in the back of the head by a 15-year-old male and died in hospital two days later as a result of injuries caused when he hit the ground. The attacker, who can not be named in the British media due to his age, was found guilty of manslaughter and sentenced to three years' incarceration in a Young Offender Institution.[1] He was on bail at the time of the attack and had two prior convictions, for possession of a knuckle duster and for threatening behaviour.[1]

You’re quite right, a fine British teen that was definitely provoked into sneaking up behind a foreigner and punching him so hard in the back of the head, he killed him. The victim never pushed him according to court records.

What we know from the national level data we DO have:
“The vast majority of child sex offenders in England and Wales are male, with men representing 82% of perpetrators of child sexual abuse and 90% of "contact" child sexual abuse in 2023.[25] A 2025 report by the Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse said that the ethnic background of offenders was recorded in 69% of cases, of which 90% were white, 5% were Asian, 2% were Black, 2% were from mixed ethnic backgrounds and 1% were from "other" ethnic backgrounds.[26] The Centre of Expertise on Child Sexual Abuse used statistics from the Ministry of Justice which show that white offenders are disproportionately over-represented in the numbers of defendants when compared to the 2021 Census which shows whites make up 81.7% of the general population in England and Wales, 9.3% identify as Asian, 4% identify as black, 2.2% identify as mixed race and 1% identify as 'other'.[27] “

What is currently being done:
“Nine thousand cases of child sexual exploitation are being reviewed by the Metropolitan Police, the force has confirmed. In a statement, the Met said it was reinvestigating the cases which involve "intra-familial, peer-on-peer and in institutional settings, along with those which do not fit the common understanding of a 'grooming gang'". The cases are being re-examined following a national review (Baroness Casey report) into group-based child sexual exploitation which found it was more widespread, organised, and underreported than previously acknowledged.”

And from BBC
The government asked Baroness Casey to carry out the audit, examining existing data and evidence on the nature and scale of group-based child sexual abuse, in January.
Here are some of its key findings and recommendations.
Lack of reliable data
The report highlights flaws in data collection, which it says means it is not possible to assess the scale of the issue.
It cites the Complex and Organised Child Abuse Dataset which identified around 700 recorded offences of group-based child sexual exploitation in 2023, saying this is the only figure on group-based child sexual exploitation.
The report says this is highly unlikely to reflect the true scale of the issue, given this crime is under-reported and suffers from confusing and inconsistently applied definitions.

Ethnicity of perpetrators
One key data gap highlighted by the report is on ethnicity, which is described as "appalling" and a "major failing".
It says the ethnicity of perpetrators is "shied away from" and still not recorded in two-thirds of cases, meaning it is not possible to draw conclusions at a national level.
However, the report says there is enough evidence from police data in three areas - Greater Manchester, South Yorkshire and West Yorkshire - to show "disproportionate numbers of men from Asian ethnic backgrounds amongst suspects for group-based child sexual exploitation".
(note that these are 3 areas with a high % of Asian populations so it does not override the national level data we do have)

In October 2022, child protection expert Prof Alexis Jay finished a seven-year inquiry into the countless ways children had been sexually abused in England and Wales.
She had presided over hundreds of days of evidence in which victims described their treatment and those who had the duty to protect them answered for their failings.
Her team had investigated abuse in churches, schools, custodial institutions, political parties, religious groups, and children's homes.
She found that over decades, children had been harmed online, offline, in the UK and abroad, by individuals and paedophile networks, including grooming gangs, on the streets of British towns and cities.

The inquiry recommended a major effort to produce better data on child abuse, creating a single core set of figures covering the age, sex and ethnicity of victims and perpetrators, the places in which abuse happens, and the factors that make children vulnerable.

The Conservatives set up research projects in several government departments to improve the data. Suella Braverman, then home secretary, created what she described as a "grooming gangs taskforce". The police disliked the grooming gangs description and rebadged it as the child sexual exploitation taskforce as it would also fight groups of abusers in institutions, families and online.
It provides intelligence and expertise to police forces through a variety of programmes, and has begun to gather consistent data. However, statistics on the ethnicity of abusers, a key issue in the grooming gangs debate, are hard to obtain.

Prof Jay's inquiry found police were "not confident" about gathering this information. A suspect's race can be identified definitively only after they have been arrested, by asking them at a time when they have a right to remain silent.
Latest figures show there is a long way to go. In 2023, police tackling organised abuse recorded the ethnicity of 34% of suspects and 47% of victims. Cooper says she is working to "improve the accuracy and robustness of the data and analysis".

You’re quite right, a fine British teen that was definitely provoked into sneaking up behind a foreigner and punching him so hard in the back of the head, he killed him. The victim never pushed him according to court records

I didn't say he was a fine British teen, I said he was convicted of manslaughter and the case was not a Brexit-related hate crime as originally claimed by the media. Neither did I post that the victim pushed him - my Guardian quote states that the victim pushed one of the youngsters (he pushed the teen's friend);

“The deceased and his companion, according to the witnesses called by the prosecution, were staggering from drink; they made racist remarks; they invited violence from those youngsters; and they were considerably bigger and stronger than the young people involved.
“It was after the deceased pushed one of the youngsters that this defendant did what he did and that presents a rather different picture from the hullabaloo that arose after this incident took place.”

I see you have used Wikipedia for your source. You could have quoted:

Initial reports in August 2016 alleged that Jóźwik was killed for speaking Polish. James O'Brien, an LBC radio host, said that UK Independence Party leader Nigel Farage was responsible for Jóźwik's death...
Separately, the BBC interviewed a friend of Jóźwik, who said that Farage had "blood on his hands".

There was considerably less media interest in the verdict of the trial, which found that there was no xenophobic motive to the attack on Jóźwik.

Only one [youth] was charged, and he threw only one punch.
the victim died as a result of injuries caused when he hit the ground.

Examples from the rest of your post:

Lack of reliable data
One key data gap highlighted by the report is on ethnicity, which is described as "appalling" and a "major failing".
It says the ethnicity of perpetrators is "shied away from" and still not recorded in two-thirds of cases, meaning it is not possible to draw conclusions at a national level.
Latest figures show there is a long way to go. In 2023, police tackling organised abuse recorded the ethnicity of 34% of suspects and 47% of victims.

Well quite - you claimed that 'white British were disproportionally responsible for child sex exploitation'

How do you know that white British [males] were [disproportionately] responsible for child sex exploitation if ethnicity data is not recorded in the majority of cases? Not to mention that the ethnicity data does not tell us nationality - so we do not know what percentage are British either.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 06/03/2026 23:29

I agree with PPs, peole might make comments about Iran but they mean the current government not the innocent people. Same with when we say awful things about the Americans, I dont think USA citizens necessarily take it as a slur on them from a racial perspective but more a criticism of their current government. She should be proud of her heritage whatever it is.

Hippodogamus · 07/03/2026 00:28

OP you are her mum, you are bound to worry. My children only have 1/8 Iranian heritage and no direct links to Iran since around 1950, half a century before they were born. I have been worrying too! I know I'm being very unreasonable....It's just all a lot to process at the moment.

My biggest worry is if things escalate and we have conscription etc. I know I'm thinking very ridiculous thoughts but that doesn't stop them coming. Eveything is so uncertain.

We know the war is not with all Iranian citizens, it is with the regime. Over 30,000 Iranian citizens were massacred by their own government, if anything people should be supportive of Iranians in the UK.

However, I am concerned about scare mongering on social media about Iranian backed sleeper cells. I do suspect the UK government have more intelligence on this already than we think.

Obviously, Iran was a no-go country prior to this. Hopefully, one day our children will be able to safely visit Iran and explore their Iranian heritage.

I really, really hope the transition goes as smoothly as it can and that freedom and peace come to the Iranian people very soon.

Ariana12 · 07/03/2026 01:24

I don't understand this post. We actually have a couple of Iranians at work. They are quite conflicted. They dont love the mullah but they are now really worried about their familes as the bombardment is heavy. And it's difficult to know how ir will all end. People talk abour it a bit and we're all pretty sympathetic. No one has said anything remotely anti Iranian.

Bringemout · 07/03/2026 05:37

I think perhaps explain to her that people are talking about the government and not the people.