Those of you estranged from family, how do you make sure you’re always financially steady?

[PoisedAquaRobin]

I’m estranged from my parents. One thing I’ve realised recently is how vulnerable it can feel when you don’t have a financial safety net to fall back on. For those of you who are fully independent with no family fallback, how do you structure things so that you don’t end up in a position where you need to rely on anyone else during a bad patch? Do you keep a larger emergency fund? Avoid certain types of debt? Have strict rules about spending? Build multiple income streams? Keep certain accounts completely untouched? I’m trying to think long-term about resilience rather than short-term fixes. Genuine question, what has worked for you?

Start simple. Your basic account floor is not zero. You need to pick a number that you never go below. When I was 18 and broke, that number was 500. (It was also many years ago) As I got older, the number got bigger. Set that number based on your own resources. If you gave to start small, do that and just try to raise it a bit each month until you get it to a good spot.

this provides a buffer so that if money is delayed or you miscalculate you don’t encounter fees. It also gives you an emergency fund.

having 3 months of expenses in savings is a good second goal.

I do agree with the others, while I could to my family in an emergency, it would be an absolute last resort. I have never done it and I would consider it a personal failing. Both DH and my siblings have done it multiple times so we know our parents are willing.

I was estranged from my family at a young age due to complex child abuse. I had a boss at the time who was very tight with money and he said to me once, 'Wow!! What on EARTH will you do if you need any help? You have literally NO ONE to help you!'

Obviously that wasn't very nice, but his idea and guidance to help me set up a pension, and ISA and a general savings account was good advice.

You have had good advice from the others on this thread but essentially, I'd say, just live as though you are skint. Save for the car, save for the emergencies - just as much as you can. It doesn't matter how many months it adds up to, just save.

And protect your health and your career because you need your health to be good to be able to get up every day and be effective at work. Work and earning money is where your power lies, and in how you spend that money.

Now I am in my 50s and still in a good position, good equity in house, savings, good pension. Start small and get used to having money in your pocket unspent. I always had a second job as well, just in case. And many times I was grateful for that little bit extra.

My dps never had any money so I never regarded them as a safety net. They were more likely to need help from me.

I keep a 6 month emergency fund, and apart from my house, if I can't pay cash, I don't buy something.
My credit card is only for work expenses.

The fact is though, if you were in dire straits and needed help, your family would be the first people you would call.

When you are estranged from family, you just don't have this safety net, and the lack of a support system is stressful

@PoisedAquaRobin yes I have some extra savings, and I am very cautious about digging into my survival fund even in an emergency. I always think, how long before I can replace it?

I left home at 16 due to CSA, then spent several years in an abusive relationship because I had nowhere else to go. My life has always been planned around "how will I survive if I have to leave tonight with only the clothes I wear…?" because once that has happened you never feel 100% safe anywhere 🤷

just live as though you are skint. Save for the car, save for the emergencies - just as much as you can. It doesn't matter how many months it adds up to, just save

Same @something2say

Totally estranged from parents but have always made an effort to be financially independent. They used to comment on it a lot because I had 2 sisters who used the parents like a bank. Keep saving as best you can but my top tip is to change your mindset about family finances. Never consider them when planning your finances. They don't exist for that purpose. Be careful with signing up for buy now pay later schemes as well as they can be lethal. Hope you are okay OP.

No, that's absolutely not fact.
I wouldn't dream of calling my family to bail me out.

So if you were left homeless with nothing except the clothes you stand up in you wouldnt even ask your parents if you could stay the night?

Well for starters that's an extreme example, isn't it?

The OP is talking about a FINANCIAL safety net. I would not ask my parents or siblings etc for money, no.

In terms of ending up homeless and needing somewhere to stay, I am geographically seperated from my family, so again no I wouldn't ask to spend the night. It's not practical.

The OP is talking about buying emergency funds, staying out of debt etc so again tuur extreme example doesn't exactly tie in.

There are a whole bunch of problems mixed together in this.
Firstly..were they ever there for you anyway? I have thought of this as " the lead parachute problem" for a long time now..ie. if i was in trouble they really wouldn't help me, they would just add more problems and I would be in worse shape to deal with them, because having them around "just incase" is like lugging a lead parachute around with you. It looks like safety equipment but you it weighs a ton and is more likely to damage or kill you than simply not having it.
Secondly, people who are estranged are generally not the kind of people who pull the duvet over theirs head to hide fom their problems whilst someone else solves them, does that sound like you? They are much more likly to be independent sorts. Strong survival skills, already proven, so you can lean into those in an emergency. Consider closely how you have survived everything thats gone wrong in your life do far.
Was borrowing money from people you know ever the solution?
Thirdly, and more pragmatically you can have £16,000 in saving before it affects your ability to apply for Universal credit. So more than that will be gradually reduced by the state and basically be "wasted" if things are dire for a while.

Omg you have just described my entire toxic family !
Im the Black sheep, I left " the village" went to Uni, got a good career and never looked back much to their absolute disgust.
Im shunned,berated and ignored.

My sibling never " launched" and I could never understand why or how and the way you have described how,Narc parents are with money but also holding their DC back on purpose.

I left home at 18 and have stood on my own 2 feet , my sibling was terrible with money, an addict and fully reliant on my parents age 50.
They normalised this and sneer that my own DC, also professionals, live away -their reasoning is my DC must hate me rather than they followed their dreams
Thank you,very helpful

We are no contact with my in laws but we have never been financially dependent on them or any or our family. We are adults not children, this is a rather strange question.

OP what you are actually asking is how to be financially independent.

It has nothing to do with family.

It's good to think about this and get into financial habits that will serve you well throughout your life.

Well, in short, I have Dh and he makes a lot more than my retired mum does. 😂 I would never ask them for money anyway as they’re funny about money. Accept any sort of gift from them and they are crowing from the rooftops about how you can’t cope. 🙄 But Dh has a much more financially stable career and earns well and I know I’d never be left out in the cold.

I also find it a strange question. Why would an adult think family should be a financial safety net?

I am financially independent. I wouldn’t even expect dh to bail me out, let alone other family.

I have a couple of modest DD’s set up- one to an easy access savings account, one to an ISA.

i budget so my salary completely covers my costs, plus a little extra.

over the years savings have grown so should anything happen I have the funds.

There is no point in my life I would have approached my parents for financial support even if I was starving, and I wouldn't ask them if I could stay the night if I was homeless.

I've just had a bit of a realisation moment that my family really are awful.

I’m not estranged from my family but I’ve never considered them a financial safety net and never would. We have 6 months of expenses in a pot that we don’t ever touch and then we also have other pots of money saved for other things, household/holidays/unexpected bill etc, we are lucky to live in a part of the country where house prices aren’t too ridiculous though and we could comfortably afford our bills even if one of us lost our jobs just on one salary, we also have really good income protection & critical illness cover etc plus good credit scores so that if we one day lost every penny somehow we would be able to take out a good CC or loan with a good interest rate.

I’ve not had a penny from my family bar normal gifts since leaving university, normal people don’t get hand outs. Being estranged wouldn’t make a difference as you stand on your own two feet whatever

This. It seems quite odd to me that you'd equate having relatives in your life with a financial safety net tbh. I don't know many adults who would dream of asking for money from their parents/grandparents, or accepting it. It's a pride thing. Once you're an adult you support yourself. Unless you're maybe from a culture where that's not the norm?

@MsWilmottsGhost

but i wouldn’t be in that situation because I’ve always been cautious with money, I have around £100k in semi liquid assets, higher because I’m older but not started drawing down yet but even at 25 I kept £5k in the bank

At the beginning, maybe only one months expenses. I would feel uncomfortable now if we had less than 3 months worth. And yes, I'd keep it in a separate account.

TBH, at the time, I just made sure I didn't get into any debt (couldn't afford a car etc) and saved what I could - I didn't really have a plan! But good for you for thinking about it.

I can't imagine ever assuming that my family would be my safety net, since I was like 14 and got my first paper round to fund my weekly youth club subs and a can of panda coke.

I'm not estranged from my family. My mum was never anything other than about 3 months away from homelessness until her late 50s, and my dad (they divorced when I was a kid) is tight and once refused to lend me money, but we still have a great relationship. They taught me to be financially responsible, work hard at school and beyond, not live beyond my means and generally have a good grasp on my own personal finances. Which I've always done since I left home for uni at 18. Even with a lower than average wage I've just paid off my mortgage several years early due to overpayments, no extravagant lifestyle choices and determination.

If I ever got myself into a financial mess I wouldn't consider relying on them to bail me out.

I can't imagine that ever being a default for people - oh it's ok if things go wrong, I'll get my parents to bail me out...

I couldn’t rely on my parents to help me financially at any point in my life.

I have never known anything different.

I didn't think that's a fact at all. My family would be my last port of call if I was in big financial trouble - I wouldn't want to burden them, or have to admit I'd fucked up.

They say to have at least a minimum of three months wages saved in the bank for emergencies but I find even that quite risky.... it's possible you could be ill or out of work or have an unexpected expense like a boiler or yoru car break down within those 3 months.

I've always been a good saver and put away £500 into an ISA via direct debit every month and I have much , much more than 3 months wages to fall back on if life went up the shitter.