If you had a 3.5 year old who wouldn't sit still

[HappyForRainbow]

Did it ever get better?

I am exhausted and miserable (and obligatory love my child of course).

DS will NOT sit still or quietly without a screen for longer than a couple of minutes. Even a screen doesn't work for long enough that its something I bother relying on most of the time.

He isn't a 'bad' child overall, he doesn't really tantrum or hit and plays nicely with other kids. BUT trying to do anything that doesn't include him being active just feels impossible. Things like meals out with friends or sitting at Church before the kids service starts. He wants to be loud and get up and run. Every time.

Another terrible day, everything ruined, parents of kids who aren't as active or those who have forgotten judging. I'm fed up, I'm exhausted and I really need to hear that your child eventually shut up and sat still. And when. Please.

No mine hasn't but equally I also cannot really sit still for more than about 2 minutes. If im in a meeting or something my legs are in about a millions different positions, my hands have touched everything within reach by about a minute in.

I changed careers completely by going back to uni to study a degree in healthcare. One of the many reasons I was attracted to this was due to the minimal time being sat down.

Can you tire him out at the park, or with swimming?

My ds1 was like this. He’s now 11. He still needs activity and tiring out, but it got much better from around age 5. It is hard I sympathise !! But it gets better

Sounds totally normal. At that age, we didn’t take the DCs to restaurants, it was just not worth the stress. Started going again when they were 5-6.

Erm, well, not really until we got him on ADHD medication aged 7.

And DS1 was the same but I didn't know and went down the route of far too much screen time, which I felt guilty about but literally couldn't handle him otherwise. It was not really the right approach but I was much younger then. He became horizontal when he hit his teens and has not really come out of this phase yet. (17 now)

This is not a diagnosis-by-internet of course. But some children have a different drive for movement which is not about needing to expend energy, so trying to "tire them out" doesn't work. For comparison, DS3 is described as being active/on the go all the time at nursery and will literally just run circles around a room if we don't take him out for his daily walk (we think he thinks he is a puppy, he chewed everything for years as well and he will do anything for a sausage) BUT as long as he GETS his exercise, he gets tired out and is fine. Whereas DS1 and 2 you couldn't tire them, they never ran out of steam.

You might look up about "sensory seeking" because this might be helpful. And there was another poster recently who found it very helpful to give DC "brain exercise" as well as physical excercise to try and occupy them a bit longer, which they said helped. I will try to find the thread.

I have one of those children. @HappyForRainbow kindly, you need to adapt your parenting to suit them. Do things that tire them out, keep them physically and mentally challenged and accept that certain places just won’t be suitable. We didn’t go to a restaurant with my Demolition Man for years. We went to places that he could run around and explore and we used fidget toys for when he had to stay still. It was exhausting but so much fun! Seeing the world through their eyes is great; everything is new and exciting.
It gets easier once they understand the concept of hurting themselves/ danger. That’s when we could relax a little bit.
Mine is 13 now and although he doesn’t really keep still for long we manage it in a positive way. He’s really committed to a sport which he does 4 times a week. Some children just have more energy to burn.
Do you have a support system? Tag teaming is great at the most exhausting of times.

They don’t need screens. Books, puzzles, colouring, duplo, orchard games. Why the need for a screen?

This is the recent thread I thought about:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5485219-frustrated-with-3yo-constant-need-for-me

Thank you all! Except judgy, unable to read as soon as they see the word 'screen' person.

I have yet to see 'tiring out' really tire him out! We spend most of our time doing all of the usual outdoor/active activities (around work ofc) and in those settings parenting him is a joy. He is in his element, and life is easier! So I really appreciate the comments from people who also have a child it feels impossible to tire out! It doesn't work the way I thought it would with 'busy activity before quiet time'.

ADHD has been brought up by his grandparents but I'm not sure what's normal 3.5 behavior and whats a concern. And what's judging vs caring.

I'll definitely look into the brain activities. Thank you so much!

It seems like maybe I am being unreasonable expecting restaurants and Church. I'm comparing to other kids I see there but I know I shouldn't. I'll count down to age 5!

100% life gets much easier after having a 3 year old. No one stays 3 forever. It's also a difficult age because children are so different, some understand and speak much more than others and will do what they are told much more.

You re not going to want to hear this but I once banned screens for a full month and then reintroduced on a much more rationed basis, and things were a lot calmer. Mine is autistic (though bit diagnosed until later) and needed cast iron boundaries we never broke, so that he understood them. No screens in the car, no screens before lunch at all ever etc. Then we were generous within the bounds we'd set. But no "no screens in the morning except when Mummy is having a bad day" because then that would make screens possible on ANY morning and you are back to square 1.

Yes, basically we had to accept that she's the terminator and plan accordingly. She hasn't been in a stroller since she was 14 months old and she has better stamina than me. She's 7 now and her schedule might look a bit bonkers to other people but it works for her. If it's possible to walk or bike that's how we get wherever we are going, and she has physically demanding activities on every day of the week. Football, ballet, swimming, ice skating, gymnastics, netball, mountain biking etc etc. When that doesn't quite do the job she's got a pogo stick that she's brilliant on. She's actually decent at focused activities as long as she's burnt off enough energy. I took her and a few friends to a roller disco tonight and we'll bike to school in the morning, that should be enough to see her through the day. 🤣

Her brother (3.5) is part sloth I swear. I have no idea how those two children have the same parents and environment. He just wants a sit down and a hot chocolate, maybe to play with his train set for a bit before having a nice bath and an early night.......

No I appreciate that - thank you! We don't really do screens at home, don't own tablets or anything. We do some Ms Rachel a few times a week because of how much she helps develop his speech. I can try to make the 'when' more strict as a boundary to see if that helps!

I don't believe children are designed to sit! 😂 Especially at 3.5 years. Imagine how boring it must be to sit, when there is a church, restaurant and people to explore!

There was no judgment in the above. I have an 8 year old who still cannot sit. My DC could be on the go all day long (swimming, biking, play parks, running, jumping, climbing) and still twirls and whirls and bounces and jumps and hops and skips all the way to bed with some added acrobatics on the stair bannister as we make the journey to her bedroom!

This energy explodes after school. She is tired mentally after a day of learning, but the energy built up through sitting in a classroom creates a mass of pent-up movement that needs to be released when she gets home.

I used to envy the child I came across who would happily sit colouring for hours on end. I have accepted I do not have one of those ones!

Thank you for taking my screen comments in the spirit I intended - I appreciate it was far from your main point.

I remember my mum saying plaintively "it would be nice if SOMETHING worked" to control him. In her view it was all caused by our refusal to smack. So take all advice you receive with a pinch of salt.

Oh yes in any case, if you took him to any professional aged 3.5 asking about ADHD they would say come back when he's in year 1 and see what he's like then. It's too early to call. That can be exhausting for you, though, whether it's just a high energy stage they will grow out of or something else.

However you mentioned speech development - this is worth pursuing if his speech is not where it should be. By 3.5 their speech should be pretty clear with people outside the family able to understand them. NHS wait times are crazy so get on a list now or consider private. If he improves on his own, you can always cancel the appointment and let someone else have the spot, but if his speech is still needing support by the time he starts school, speech therapy will be much more urgent and you don't want to be starting the wait then. This site is good and they have a helpline so you can gauge where he is vs whether it's where he should be.

https://speechandlanguage.org.uk/help-for-families/ages-and-stages/

This shows some common errors in typical speech development, it would be considered behind if he is still making errors from an earlier age point.

https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/docs/speech-sound-development-chart.pdf

And definitely look up the phrase "Sensory seeking" or possibly the Out-of-Sync Child books. TheOTButterfly is a more modern/social media take on it and she has some good ideas too.

'Another terrible day, everything ruined'.

No. That's not his fault. He's 3. That's really not fair.

If you can't change the behaviour, change the situation.

The poor child

Meals out and church

😱

I wouldn't sit still either

Most 3 year olds don’t sit still
or stop talking, they are developing rapidly and need the input.

You could try a different church if the current one has an issue with him running around. Some churches have special services which are aimed at kids running sound like nutters the whole time and some churches just don't care (unless they are on the stage bit) and would just let him get on with it.
I also get that it's not particularly relaxing as a parent and not going for a while is also a very good option.

I had an incredibly active child and he absolutely had zero interest in TV or gaming.

It did get better in terms of easy to manage. He is still very active aged 19 ..but can focus when needed and sit and do an exam or through a church service.

I had to lean into it not see stuff as ruined. He does an organised sport that had a lot of training and he found school interesting so it captured his focus a bit. We were the family thay went to the park before school and after school though.

But aged 3.5 i would have only gone to a church where he could move around and we didnt expect long restaurant dinners. We'd pick venues carefully and only have him at the table 20 mins - but someone would have to interact with him the whole time.

Whe chlkdren first start reception, they only sit on the carpet for direct input for very short times. 40 mins is the max I've ever seen but 10 to 20 is more normal. Those children are rising 5.

This is the age where they have to learn that what they want to do and what they have to do are not always going to be the same thing. He'll be at school before you know it - several hours a day of sitting. It's not unreasonable at all to require him to sit still (and quiet) through meals and church services now, whether he "wants to" or not. Think of it as giving him valuable practice.

I would say that the 3 year olds you see behaving nicely in restaurants are the ones who can do it, and most of the other sort of 3 year olds have not been taken to the restaurant. So I wouldn't assume that your child is an outlier there.

However, I did have a 3.5 year old who subsequently learnt to sit still, and it happened when he developed good enough fine motor skills to enjoy drawing and colouring, just before he was 4. Prior to that he couldn't hold a crayon or pencil properly and didn't like colouring because he wasn't good at it. Now he will happily colour for (what feels like) hours and is delighted if I take him to a cafe where there are colouring sheets.

Funnily enough, my child who does have ADHD (DC2) was much less like this in terms of screens not placating than the one who doesn’t (DC1).

DC1 would not stop still for a minute since she was born until about age 5/ 6. She’s quite calm now though!

DC2 was always quite transfixed by a screen - but please note I didn’t just stick him in front of one, I’m just saying he would be transfixed if given one (so I think this is at least some evidence that his liking for them is a symptom of ADHD - definitely not a cause as I didn’t use them to excess with either child)

Both of them were very high energy and movement from the start though - neither would just happily sit in a buggy or high chair or any other place as babies/ toddlers/ small children , as I’ve seen some kids happily do!

My eldest couldn't sit still at that age, I mean even tied down in a car seat was hell for him, I literally go public transport as much as possible so he didn't have to suffer and scream.
My youngest is a very active 4 yr old but from about 2 could sit quite happily on a seat and colour or play with a dollhouse or whatever. At 4 she'll sit and draw and copy words and letters, something her brother couldn't do until he was 7.

We just didn't push his limits too far because it was hellish, he'd have huge meltdowns where he'd cease to function and scream on the floor, not FOR anything. Not like my wee girl who had a throwdown tantrum on the floor of asda once when she wanted a doll (where if I'd given her the doll she'd have gotten up, smiled triumphantly and gone to pay for her prize) you could offer him the moon on a stick in a meltdown and he wouldn't want it. He needs to be physically calmed which can take hours.

You need to work out which you have, an energetic and strong willed kid who needs to work on his boundary or a child with ASD who needs allowances to cope in some situations and more gradually learn to sit down through techniques you learn over time.

I dunno which you have, I thought I just had a precociously clever kid with a huge amount of physical energy. I had a sensory seeking child with :high functioning' ASD who when well managed appears entirely ordinary but when pushed becomes very obviously autistic as he loses his ability to mask. Knowing that improved everyone's lives and his behaviour.

Wearing my ds out was the only thing that really helped. If I was hoping to have lunch with some other mums and tots, I'd take him for a 4 or 5 mile walk in the morning.

I used to walk him 3 miles to school and three miles home as well, or he struggled with sitting for more than a few minutes in reception or year 1.