If you had a 3.5 year old who wouldn't sit still

[HappyForRainbow]

Did it ever get better?

I am exhausted and miserable (and obligatory love my child of course).

DS will NOT sit still or quietly without a screen for longer than a couple of minutes. Even a screen doesn't work for long enough that its something I bother relying on most of the time.

He isn't a 'bad' child overall, he doesn't really tantrum or hit and plays nicely with other kids. BUT trying to do anything that doesn't include him being active just feels impossible. Things like meals out with friends or sitting at Church before the kids service starts. He wants to be loud and get up and run. Every time.

Another terrible day, everything ruined, parents of kids who aren't as active or those who have forgotten judging. I'm fed up, I'm exhausted and I really need to hear that your child eventually shut up and sat still. And when. Please.

Your eldest sounds very much like mine, we are currently on a diagnostic pathway. School think ADHD but I think there might be more to it than that

Yep! My daughter at 3.5 I could get lots of compliance with some crayons and a sheet of paper. My son at that age I couldn't get him on the seat as he'd physically fight as if the seat were made of spikes. He was verbal, articulate even, clever, he could multiply double digits at 4. Sitting in 1 place though? Nope. Sometimes he had to, if only so I could deal with the baby. Hed never had a screen as a baby or toddler, ever. Most would have been a wee music video on the TV while I had to run to the toilet for example. Desparation saw me hand him my phone 1 day with a little game on it and he sat, not for long but 5/10 minutes. Which was life changing. He couldn't stop to the point he was physically frustrated with himself.

So if I'd only had my neurotypical daughter I'd completely agree with you, she never would even look for a screen unless to put on music usually. My son though? He can't sit and watch something. His body can only be still when his mind is very busy and at 3.5 he couldn't read, write, lacked the concentration to draw or do art. But he was an absolute protege at gaming. So we got him a Nintendo switch. And my little (we now know autistic) boy could be content in situations that it turned out we're making him anxious by having a little world he could control for 15 minutes. Hed build a base in Minecraft for 15 minutes and somehow then be able to tolerate a sit in a supermarket trolley instead of endangering himself and annoying eryone by trying to climb shelves etc.

He's 8 now, we talk about screentime and other options, he carries a sketchbook with him and a notebook and will draw out comics and write elaborate stories and can be screen free for hours, we were out all day yesterday and all he needed were sketchbooks and crayons but we had his switch on the bag and if he tells me he needs it to cope I trust him.

I've always thought ADHD but his SEN lead at school thinks autism because he can mask remarkably well but coke bottle effect hits later. We're on diagnostic pathway too but his school are amazing and they take ASD as his working diagnosis now and manage him accordingly.

He does need 2-3 hours proper exercise daily. Minimum is walking to and from school. An after school sport and a long dog walk. Or he really struggles.

Oh wow, why didn't I think of just requiring him to? Thank you so much!!!!

Thank you everyone else for your insights. Yesterday was a particularly challenging day leading us to missing out on an event I really wanted to attend. I posted out of upset and exhaustion.

For those worried about my 'poor child' - don't. He is very loved and was removed from the situation to avoid upsetting everyone. The only person who was upset is me. Which I know is how it's supposed to be based on some comments. But he is 100% fine and happy.

Thanks all for your experiences and suggestions - it does give me hope and possible ideas to try.

We adapted what we did. They couldn't be still and trying just caused a huge amount of stress all round. They're a teenager now with an adhd diagnosis.

We would only eat out at places with an outside, enclosed play area. It led to sometimes being the only people outside and wearing coats to eat but it meant we could eat out (literally 😂).

Meeting with friends with children - at a park (preferably enclosed and with gates) or at a soft play (with a secure exit/entrance). We gave up on at our house or there's. It simple didn't really work.

DD was always a bolter too. We used reins with a cute monkey backpack. Luckily she loved monkey so wore him happily.

When I had my second baby who does not have adhd I discovered just how tricky DD was at how straightforward parenting care be without neurodiversity. It reassured me that I wasn't a bad parent and hadn't done anything wrong. All children are different.

As a teenager the hyperactivity has gone. The adhd is still very much there but with different outward symptoms. At least though they can (mostly) sit still for a while now.

We adapted what we did. They couldn't be still and trying just caused a huge amount of stress all round. They're a teenager now with an adhd diagnosis.

We would only eat out at places with an outside, enclosed play area. It led to sometimes being the only people outside and wearing coats to eat but it meant we could eat out (literally 😂).

Meeting with friends with children - at a park (preferably enclosed and with gates) or at a soft play (with a secure exit/entrance). We gave up on at our house or there's. It simple didn't really work.

DD was always a bolter too. We used reins with a cute monkey backpack. Luckily she loved monkey so wore him happily.

When I had my second baby who does not have adhd I discovered just how tricky DD was at how straightforward parenting care be without neurodiversity. It reassured me that I wasn't a bad parent and hadn't done anything wrong. All children are different.

As a teenager the hyperactivity has gone. The adhd is still very much there but with different outward symptoms. At least though they can (mostly) sit still for a while now.

Sounds normal. However, these days we spend too much time trying to entertain kids. They need training to be bored, just like any other skill. Start short, and extend.

Yes it does get better xxxx!

As a parent of a child with adhd I also advise avoiding people like Elsvieta who clearly haven't experienced a hyperactive child and will never understand. You are not a bad parent.

"Just tell them not to" was always a favourite of mine to hear. Obviously I'd never ever thought of that. 😂

At 3.5 he should be moving constantly, providing stimulation for his muscles, developing gross motor skills, into everything.

Look at young animals - they're either asleep or on the move.

There will be enough time for sitting still when he gets to school - more than enough time.

But they will require it once he's in school - how is it different? And it's really not that far off.

You questioned in your second post whether you were "unreasonable to expect restaurants and church". I was just trying to say that no, you're not. It seems more unreasonable to expect him to go from not sitting at all to sitting for hours just instantly, in one day - when he'll have a lot of other new and unfamiliar stuff to cope with at the same time.

This!! You have very unrealistic expectations; thats the issue here; not your child. Stop wishing it away; there’ll always be ‘something’ whatever age they are. You adapt what you do - i just wouldnt go out to eat, honestly it’s not worth it. Socialise at your house or someone else’s house. You can’t punish a little child for wanting to be active

It's just chance of what kind of kid you get . I was very experienced in childhood education and knew all the so called right things to do . First child was so calm obedient and easy to parent . Then number two came along . Hated being restricted whether that be in car seat , highchair, buggy . I was convinced I could just hold firm and he would be easier. Wrong . Went on holiday that involved all the above and it was so stressful and miserable. Never tried to do it again until he was five and at school . He still is energetic but not exhaustedly so.

Its ages off in development terms. The youngest at school are 4 years old which is 6 months away and reception isnt about sitting down for hours. Its normally free flow with short bits of sitting focused at an age appropriate topic. It builds up across that year as i say the very longest I've seen is 40 mins on some phonics schemes, but 20ins is more normal.

But maybe my image if a lunch or church service us 2 to 2.5 hours of sitting on non child focused stuff and yours is twenty minutes which is where our mismatch is.

@HappyForRainbow Does he have any hypermobile traits? People with hypermobility find it really uncomfortable to sit still and often need to fidget or be on the move all the time. DD's toddler nickname was 'Fidgetbucket'.

A lot of 3.5 year old boys are like this its completely normal.

Hate to say it but a lot of 6 yr old boys are too... and 9 year old boys

There's a reason people send them out in the garden a lot

Do any 3.5 yos sit still for long?

Just like all 35 year olds aren't similarly as active, so are 3.5 year olds. For every person pulling out their hair because they've got a child that won't sit still (in my house fairly normal) there is another parent trying to drag their child off the sofa and go for a walk.

Adjust your expectations, it will get easier. Sitting still waiting for the church service to start, and quietly in a restaurant not yet in his repetoire, I'd plan accordingly.

Yes. We just stopped taking him to things that required him to sit still, and let him live his best busy life.
adhd diagnosis at 10, very happy, active, lovely boy.

Both my boys where like this its definitely the age school helped. My girls could sit still but the tantrums over every little thing again got much better as they got older

I don't know any children in school at 4 expected to at a desk all day. Even in P3 my son is able to move around several times in class and in P1 they moved between activities rather than sitting at desks on a chair. Sitting was 10 min stints max.

How old are you?

He was always very active, impulsive and extremely distractible and was diagnosed with ADHD about when he turned 6. Is now on medication, which is life changing.

No.

But you need to parent the child you have, not the child you thought you might have.

Oh, and mine managed Church very well. A combination of the particular Church and various strategies.

I'm 48. We did sit almost all day when I was 4, but maybe it was different then, or maybe it was different as it was a private school. But my ds had to sit still for 45 minute lessons 20 years ago...