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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish this man would leave us to get on with our lives

42 replies

jessiesmummy · 16/06/2008 21:13

My dds dad was a horrible abusive boyfriend whopretty much made my life hell. shortly after finally leaving him I discovered I was pregnant. He had very little involment in her life and went over a year without seeing her at all. I am now happily married to someone lae who my dd sees as a dad. He is amazing and has provided everything for her and makes us both so happy.
My ex meanwhile has decided to turn his life around and become a better person, this involved taking me to court and getting granted contact.
The way I see it I wish he had just left us alone as this has been so disruptive to our lives and I think he had his chance at being a dad so many times and wasn't interested.
DD has never known him and has had an increadible father figure in my husband.
I know x is trying to the right thing but in this situation I feel the best thing would have been to walk away.
My husband is finding this very hard as he as bought her up as his own and now someone else who tried to make me abort the baby in the first place wants to play daddy.
any ideas or advice would be much appreciatedas this is very difficult for me.

OP posts:

Dior · 16/06/2008 21:14

Message withdrawn

Original poster

jessiesmummy · 16/06/2008 21:18

Everyone says that kids need a father figure. the way I see it he wasn't there to do it by his own choice so someone else stepped in. When she was little i begged him to see her but he never would. Once I was too ill to look after her and asked him to come over and help but he went to the pub instead. I just cant forgive him.

OP posts:

lazarou · 16/06/2008 21:18

I wouldn't allow your ex in to her life. If he's prepared to drag you through the courts then he's not worth bothering with.

harpomarx · 16/06/2008 21:18

how old is dd, jessiesmummy?

Original poster

jessiesmummy · 16/06/2008 21:19

Shes 2.5

OP posts:

madamez · 16/06/2008 21:21

While this is hard and upsetting for you, it's not actually about you, it's about your DD and her biological father. For your DD's sake you are going to have to allow her father into her life. Yes, she has a wonderful dad, but she still deserves the chance to have a relationship with her biological father, and you would be wrong to try and stop this happening (unless he is genuinely dangerous to her: violent, a substance abuser, etc).

harpomarx · 16/06/2008 21:24

agree with madamez, I'm afraid.

I have witnessed the damage caused to someone by being denied all access to and knowledge of their father - it is an ache that never goes away. Your dd will always love and respect the man who has brought her up but she will long to know about her real dad too. The two things can happen together, hard as it is for you. You have to let go of your anger and disappointment about the past and try to facilitate some kind of relationship between dd and her dad, always ensuring of course that she is safe and happy.

It is for this reason that I continue to see my ex much too often for my liking!

poppy34 · 16/06/2008 21:25

your dh will still be a father figure to your dd whatever happens - any fool can create a baby but takes guts to be a daddy like him. I know it must be so hard for him but you won't undo that love and strength of relationship if there is contact wtih your ex.

how much of your feelings with regard to your ex are bound up with the understandable anger you feel about the shitty way he behaved? Think this needs to be distinct from his desire to make amends to your dd but this must be very hard. I am not underplaying how hurtful all this to you but his being a father is a different thing to him being hte worst ever boyfriend who behaved like a complete git.

And if he is being genuine, then it could be a positive thing for dd - he won't make up for what he has done but could be something positive for future. As dior says if he has changed then needs

Original poster

jessiesmummy · 16/06/2008 21:25

He was violent towards me and thats why I find it so hard. plus I feel like he only persued contact once I was happy and settled down. He also has a bad drinking problem where anything could happen and he wouldn't know he'd done it the next day. i just think he is a horrible person and I want to protect her from that. If she was older I would consult her but I'm worried that introdusing a new daddy would be really confusing and disruptive at this age.
i dont know if 'm right or wrong anymore. Heard so many points of view.

OP posts:

lazarou · 16/06/2008 21:27

I don't think it's a good idea.

Original poster

jessiesmummy · 16/06/2008 21:28

This is all true I have agreed to let him see her in a few weeks. Just really really hate it. Will always be honest with her about the truth as would never live a lie.

OP posts:

harpomarx · 16/06/2008 21:28

ok jessiesmummy, you didn't mention the abuse and the drinking before.

Didn't you raise this in court? and if it was serious, how come he was granted access?

harpomarx · 16/06/2008 21:30

sorry, just reread op, you did mention he was abusive.

poppy34 · 16/06/2008 21:30

is there any chance of supervised contact in first instance or was the issue not raised in court?

greenelizabeth · 16/06/2008 21:33

Jessie, I'm being flippant but I've had a really bad day with my x emailing me insults.... if you kill my ex, i'll kill yours.

[puts motorbike helmut on and zooms off]

Original poster

jessiesmummy · 16/06/2008 21:36

That sounds like a plan. things went really badly in court. Just didn't go my way at all. i felt like no one took on board any of my arguments. He had one contact in a contact centre a few months ago so would consider doing that again.

OP posts:

Original poster

jessiesmummy · 16/06/2008 21:38

What really got me started today was his mum giving me hard time down the phone about it earlier. I'm not the baddy here.

OP posts:

greenelizabeth · 16/06/2008 21:39

Jessiesmummy, My xp was aggressive to me countless times and I couldn't ever mention it in court because I didn't go to the police at the time. So it's like it never happened in the eyes of the law.

I agree that children do in theory need a father, but I know for a fact ath my children are happier and less anxious now they don't see so much of their father. My dd had at 4 regressed to wetting herself during the day, having nightmares, whinging ALLthe time. Now that we see so little of him, they are fine again.

MadameZ, I know that you're also a single mum but don't you think that the parent who is the carer needs to reserve their emotional energy for being a good mother? I would not be a good mother if I had to chanel all my emotional resources in to dealing with my xp and his vile antics on a weekly basis. I can cope JUST becuase he comes about 5 times a year. More often and I would be a basket case. That is not good for the children.

harpomarx · 16/06/2008 21:39

contact centre sounds best with his history. At least until you can be sure that your daughter will be safe. DD's ex only sees her with me, or takes her out for short periods = he is a drug user.

PembsLass · 16/06/2008 21:40

Fuck this shit about biological fathers having 'rights'. What about the feckless twats responsibilities? Where was this shit in the child's early years?

LOL @ "turn his life around and become a different person". It still sounds as if his dd's needs are secondary to his own to me. He's disrupting your family life and no doubt emotionally destabilising your dd and your dd's relationship with her REAL father i.e your hubby. He was a selfish twat then and it sounds like he still is.

Oh YANBU by the way. How DARE he take you to Court. Wanker!

xxx

madamez · 16/06/2008 21:40

IN your OP you said that he had 'turned his life around'. If by this you mean that he has stopped drinking and is trying to make amends to the people he mistreated in the past, then it would be really unreasonable of you to deny him access to his daughter.
However if he is still drinking and still potentially violent then you should insist on supervised access at a contact centre.

But when you speak of 'introducing a new dad' and mean 'her biological father' it worries me that you might be about to make the very, very bad mistake of lying to your DD and allowing her to believe that your current partner is her biological father.
This is one of the worst things a parent can do to a child. The child will find out the truth and may never forgive you for the lie.
Even in the case of horribly violent men, even if the child was born out of rape, hiding the truth from the child is the wrong thing to do - you don't have to permit contact to a psychopath or a rapist but you mustn't lie to children about their origins.

greatscot · 16/06/2008 21:41

Exactly what Pembslass said

greenelizabeth · 16/06/2008 21:42

Oh yes, the MAMMY. Her precious son could not have been violent, he couldn't have abandoned you! You must be a liar, and manipulative, and ungrateful for all your son has done for you!! And you must be BLIND not to see what a good person he is!! YOU ARE Evil in fact

I've had it all too. It does die down eventually, in fact, I believe I may, with great difficulty, have forced my x mil to accept a few difficult truths. She backed off then.

harpomarx · 16/06/2008 21:43

not sure that anyone said he had 'rights' pembslass. I just think if there is anything positive at all that can come from the relationship then dd has some kind of right to at least know her father. If, of course, she was unhappy about seeing him or the situation was unsafe then I would be totally on the side of fighting any kind of contact.

madamez · 16/06/2008 21:45

Greenelizabeth, if your XP is abusive to the children (and to you) then keep records, etc, make complaints if he sends you horrible emails, take it back to court if things are getting worse.

Obvioulsy I don't know the OP's XP and whether or not he has changed - but sometimes people who have been alcoholics or addicts do change, get clean etc and want to make amends.

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