to wish this man would leave us to get on with our lives

[jessiesmummy]

My dds dad was a horrible abusive boyfriend whopretty much made my life hell. shortly after finally leaving him I discovered I was pregnant. He had very little involment in her life and went over a year without seeing her at all. I am now happily married to someone lae who my dd sees as a dad. He is amazing and has provided everything for her and makes us both so happy.
My ex meanwhile has decided to turn his life around and become a better person, this involved taking me to court and getting granted contact.
The way I see it I wish he had just left us alone as this has been so disruptive to our lives and I think he had his chance at being a dad so many times and wasn't interested.
DD has never known him and has had an increadible father figure in my husband.
I know x is trying to the right thing but in this situation I feel the best thing would have been to walk away.
My husband is finding this very hard as he as bought her up as his own and now someone else who tried to make me abort the baby in the first place wants to play daddy.
any ideas or advice would be much appreciatedas this is very difficult for me.

I have EVERY sympathy for you, as I'm in similar shoes.

I don't want my children to grow up hating me for not letting them know their father etc... so the best solution I can come up with is that he sees them but rarely... He huffs and puffs a lot, but actually, I think it suits him to only visit them once in a blue moon.

They see him just often enough that they can't build him up to be some mythical superDAD. But they don't see enough of him to be damaged by his moods and aggression and ,,, well I could go on typing here... but I'll leave it at that.

Madamez, he only comes to see them once every 7 or 8 weeks for a day. Since I left him, the children have not seen violence. I have kept a photo my friend took of my eye once though, and I have various e-mails and texts etc..

He sees the children in my parents' house. He gives us £1 a month, but I can't face going to court to chase him for money. We manage, just, and I know a lot of people think I'm mad, but money is not my God, I could never feel free if he was paying for anything. He's too mean to hand over money without a battle anyway, and I don't want to get wrinkly (more wrinkly) over the stress of another battle with him.

sorry for thread hijack jessie's mummy!

This is about the rights of the child FGS, not the OP or her ex. The child has a right to know who her father is, and to a relationship with him.

Massive oversimplification though findtheriver.

Children have lots of rights. They have the right to have a happy, strong, focused, sane mother who can bring them up in a secure environemt.

I think it's hard for most people to have any real concept not just of how hard it would be not just to let a man like OP's x back into their lives again, but how hard it is to do it and stay sane and be a good mother. Letting a toxic character into your lives is a difficult thing to do without becoming very depressed. Can anybody be depressed and stressed and angry and be a good mother?

FWIW, I think the OP should allow the bio father to see the child every 4 weeks or so and take it from there. For the reasons I've already set out. But he is clearly a wanker to take her to court. If he had really changed he would apologise for his behaviour and ask if he could start again and try and form a relationship with OP;s dd.

I don't know the mother and father concerned, so I'm not going to pass judgement such as 'he is clearly a wanker'. The OP says that her ex has changed for the better. The dd has a right to have a relationship with her father. And the chid's right is paramount - not the mother or father's

Findtheriver, i've Got to agree with greenelizabeth. It's a tad more complicated that that. Yes it's about the child first and foremost, but it may not be in the child's best interests for her to have contact with this man at an early age.

In my experience previous behaviour is the greatest indicator of future behaviour. He's been a shit in the past and words are cheap.
The mother's first responsiblity is to keep her child safe both physically and emotionally.

Is the father so concerned about the child's emotional wellbeing? or...is he more concerned about his own. The OP knows the answer to that one.

No,the child's safety is paramount. The child is too young to know what she wants. The OP doesnt say her x has changed for the better-she says "he says" he has changed for the better...and oh...this involved him taking her to Court.

The OP doesnt say the child wouldn't be safe with her ex. Yes, the ex took her to court, presumably to gain access to his child. That's legal. You may not like it, but he has acted within his rights. The child has a right to a relationship with her father. Who knows... in the future the dd could grow up feeling emotionally damaged by not being denied a relationship with her father.

Sorry - obviously meant by not being given a relationship

Do you think it bodes well though? Instead of tiptoeing in, which he would do if he had the welfare of his daughter at heart, he has charged in like a bull with an ego. He has the power to make three people miserable here. He is within his legal rights to make three people miserable. So that's ok.

I would think that if he's been absent for 2 and a half years, then he's forfeited a few rights, until he has proved himself.

As I've said before, my DC do see their father infrequently, but when we saw more of him, they were anxious and unhappy and unsettled. Findtheriver you are probably lucky that you have no idea what it feels like to be crushed under the weight of somebody else's hatred and madness. My xp is mad. Mad and glaring the full beam of his insanity at me and my children, demanding his rights all the time.

Have you any idea what it feels like to be a good mother in the face of that?! You probably don't know and that is lucky.

I would have typed what you've typed 8 yrs ago. But one thing I've learnt through life experience is that the children's best interests are not always best served by letting a previously absent, or previously aggressive/bullying father to demand their rights to see their children. Wait. See how much of it is ego/control and how much is about love.

I have no idea of whether the guy is 'charging in like a bull'. I don't know the individuals concerned. I'm sure each one will have a different perspective. The OP describes her ex as abusive, uncaring etc, yet she chose him as a partner, created a baby with him and admits that after the baby was born she still wanted contact with him. If the ex were to post on MN, maybe he'd have a different slant on things... eg 'Since my ex started a relationship with a new man, she doesnt want me to have anything to do with my dd'.
Life isnt simple, I agree. And it's pointless to play point scoring with life experiences - 'you haven't been through XXX so you can't possibly know how it feels' - because let's face it, most of us on MN haven't got inside knowledge of eachothers life histories.
I am just pointing out that we are hearing one side of the story; the woman's ex would presumably have a different perspective. And inbetween the two is a little girl whose rights should be paramount.

Firstly I have evry intention of being 1oo% honest with my dd about the situation when she is old enough to understand. I also understand her supposed right to know her father. But I also have a right to protect her at this age to anything that might emotionaly disrupt her. As I have said he has gained some contact rights in court so he will see her occasionally. My point is that having already withdrawn himself from her life, should he have the right to step back in when it suits him.
I just dont think people should have unlimited chances in life he has had so many oppertunities to be involved but was so disinterested that he even refused to be on her birth cirtificates so in my opinion he forfeited his right to be a dad.

No, we don't know either side of the story. We don't know whether the XP went to the court first or if he asked for contact and was refused: we don't know if he is a violent alcoholic or a reformed one, and we don';t know if the OP wants to punish him for having walked away from his relationship with her.
And I certainly don't think that children should be forced to spend time with biologial relatives who are abusive, or so hooked on drink or drugs that they get out of it and can't look after a child properly. But nor do I think one parent should be able to write another out of the picture just because the couple-relationship is over.

Thanks for your comments. Its good seeing it from several points of view as sometimes I think I'm too angry with him to think rationally. I do sometimes think that when people talk about fathers rights they mean a fathers right to walk in and out of his childs life as he pleases. Just think mums always get so much grief about dads rights, when we're the ones raising a child on our own struggling for money because they are too tight to give anything to help. And then they wonder in expecting a bloody medal or something for seeeing their kid one hour a month.

What GreenElizabeth said. All of it

The child deserves a stable and loving home with a parent who is not driven berserk and into depression by the constant attempts at control that an abusive ex partner will usually make.

My son has rarely asked about his absent father - whom he has not seen since he was 1. I have repeatedly offered said father access but he has always defaulted since that point - he had other issues and people to deal with, our child was always relegated.

I think a man such as this has huge potential to cause deep distress and hurt to a small child, in his rejection and instability, also his underlying aggression toward her mother will not go undetected.
This can be extremely counterproductive.

I would go with the child's rights every time, but that includes having a sane and reasonably secure mother (or primary carer) which is not a situation enabled by litigious battles.

By the way does anyone know anything about residency orders because my husband was talking about it the other day?

I haven't much of an idea myself, but maybe if you start a thread in Lone parents, someone will know more x