Who's the unreasonable one?

[Dippydoopy]

So it's a husband one.

He works full time but chooses to do so overtime everyday and leaves the house at 4:30am.

I had a workplace injury last year and have been signed off work. (I do multiple therapy sessions)

DH thinks it's totally normal to wake me at 4:00am to make him tea, get his clothes out. Or to have sex before he goes to work.

I am a person who really needs my sleep, and unfortunately I don't sleep too well at night.

If I don't get up with him he will turn all lights on and leave them on. So I'm forced awake.

I have to wake the children at 6:30am for school so it's not like I sleep until 10:00am!

now this brings me to my who's being unreasonable question, DH also wakes early at the weekend. Probably because he sleeps around 3 hours every evening on the sofa.

He has always had an issue that I don't wake as early as he does. Obviously if we have plans or whatever I am first up.

I do absolutely everything, I make all beds, get everyone's clothes out, I do 100% of cooking and cleaning, if it's a house job I do it! I do all the kids after school activities.

DH will try to wake me at 3-4am every weekend and says if we have sex he will just go back to sleep. I don't want to have sex at death o'clock! I want to sleep!!!!

I have dark rings around my eyes. And a husband who is constantly pissy with me because he says I'm lazy.

so who's being unreasonable?

This is horrific. My God.

Yep, a pretty sad posting history isn't it 😞

He's being deliberately unkind and nasty to you. Is there a spare room you can move to?

Yes you're 100% right I have been asking these questions for years.

leaving isn't as easy as people on the internet make out!

I live in a different country, I have tried to leave multiple times, and I'm met with if I take my kids to the airport then I will be arrested!

I have sought out legal advice and they have informed me that yes, without his consent I cannot take my children home.

like I have said I have tried to leave but abuse ramps up, and quite frankly I am terrified of what life may look like on the other side!

I have been married to this man for 13 years and most of those 13 have been like this.

Why are you asking again then? If you know what the answers will be?
What country are you in? If a western country then there should be some kind of domestic abuse safe house that you and your kids could escape to?

You are in an abusive relationship. Do you think so little of yourself that you typed that out with genuine feelings? Really? Some therapy would do you a lot of good. Not as much as a new husband but it would definitely help with your self esteem and general blindness.

If you are willing to say what Country you are in, you would hopefully get more targeted answers. Otherwise what do you want to happen?

You're seriously asking if you're being unreasonable?

Ok

He’s an absolute arse!

The country you are in is very relevant tbh

Your his wife, not his fucking sex slave.
I would be telling him to get his own fucking clothes ready and to leave you the fuck alone.

It’s Canada. I’m not the op. But her other threads state that.

They have police and women's charities in Canada iirc

have you considered going to the police?

I would suggest that if you KNOW this is abuse and have tried to leave, then maybe it's time to start posting from that position and see what practical advice you can get? Mumsnet is amazing that way. What country are you in? What nationality are you and your children and your husband? What finance options do you have?

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I really od believe there are other options in terms of the help and advice you can ask for on here that will be more helpful for you.

And why exactly are you still with him?

He's a dudd, send him back.

In Canada, I’m sure there are avenues for women in abusive relationships to leave. You’re not going to leave as you’ve been posting similar for ages, you get the same response so not sure what point this will make as it’s just a cycle of the same old thing. He knows you won’t leave so he’ll continue as he is.

I don't know what you want people to say. You won't leave him so nobody can help.

DH thinks it's totally normal to wake me at 4:00am to make him tea, get his clothes out. Or to have sex before he goes to work.

Didn't get past this. LTB

without his consent I cannot take my children home.

Well leave HIM and remain in the country then, move house.

Don't be obtuse. His o/t is purely a side issue. He'd do the same regardless of what time of day it was.

Posted YABU not because your being unreasonable about what is going on with your husband and has been for years but because it’s unreasonable to keep posting with the same problems and expect other posters to provide you with any further/different answers
I feel sorry for for you being in such an abusive situation but if you’re in Canada which is a country where women have the same rights as men why don’t you get help and advise as what your rights are and how you can remove yourself and children from this

Firstly, huge hugs for your horrendous position. I was in an abusive relationship which ultimately led to him breaking my spine. If he hadn't done that, most likely I'd still be with him, not having the courage to leave.

My first piece of advice is, don't go to a solicitor for advice. I made this mistake. The solicitor made me feel like my husband could take my kids, the family home and I'd need to pay HIM maintenance. This advice caused me to remain with my husband, and now I am disabled.

Just before the final assault, I sought help with my local domestic violence unit and they were fantastic. I am eternally grateful for the support and advice they gave. Please contact your local Canadian unit. They are confidential and have dealt with many different cultures, nationalities and situations. They will give better advice than a standard solicitor.

There will be protection orders you can put in place for coercive control. Whilst it may be difficult to remove your children from Canada, there may be other solutions you haven't considered.

I also understand why you keep posting even though the advice given will be the same. Making the decision to leave isn't easy. There are more logical reasons to stay than the inclination to leave. Its scary and final. You convince yourself that its not real, or not that bad. His voice gets in your head and you think you're the issue.

I speak from the other side of that bridge. Please don't let him destroy you. I made that mistake and now have a broken spine. My inner voice knew it was wrong but I stayed silent in the hope that if I complied, it would get better. It doesn't.

As Step 1, go to the right people for advice. MN is great for the odd rant, but you need professional support, which we cannot provide. As a first step, contact your local domestic violence team and take it from there xx

So let's get this right he wakes you for sex and tries to blackmail or coerce you into it at 4am?!?

And this approach is successful for him?

1. He can pick his own clothes out hes not an infant
2. He can do this the night before if that works
3. Sex isnt fun if youre bullied into
4. Turning on the lights and name calling if you refuse to shag and serve him at 4am is bullying

Id absolutely LTB

Have you had legal advice from your home country/embassy?

You absolutely can get help to get out and you need to do that quietly and quickly or this will be your life

My dh would be 6ft under the patio if he woke me every morning at 4am to pick out his clothes(hes and adult and can do it himself) or to have sex
He could get to fuck!

Can you not go back to the uk for a holiday to see family and just stay?

What country do you live in?

He sounds like a total abusive prick!