AIBU / Expecting too much?

[LStu]

So after yet another Sunday morning argument about who should get up with the kids I’ve found myself here looking for input from ANYONE.

A bit of context, my partner and I have been together over 5 years, we have two boys (2 and 4) and I’m currently 9 weeks pregnant with our third, and morning sickness is completely kicking my butt. I work part time, 3 days a week doing 27.5 hours. On the other 4 days I have our boys. The days I am working I get up with the boys, get us all ready, out the house to drop them at childcare and then to the office for work. I start work at 8:30, then finish my working day around 5/5:30, going straight from the office to collect them and do the evening routine of play/dinner/bath/bed.

My partner works full time, 5 days a week, his hours are 7/7:30 until around 3/3:30 and then an earlier finish Friday. He gets himself up and organised and leaves the house for work and then when he’s home he will chill / shower or whatever until I’m home with the boys and then he will do dinner.

When it comes to the weekend my argument is that we should each take a day to get up with the boys while the other gets to sleep in / chill in bed for a while. When it comes to “his” day (usually the Sunday) it is always an argument in the morning for him getting up with them.

This morning was no different when I asked him to get up with them. His response is always very negative and it makes me feel like I’m asking too much. long story short is he sees it as he’s up earlier for work, so shouldn’t have to get up earlier at the weekend with our kids and he doesn’t care that I’m working / up with them during the week because I work part time and he’s up earlier during the week.

This morning escalated to the point where he said if I continue to have it in my head that he needs to get up one day at the weekend with them, then he’s done. Am I being unreasonable here or is he?

Not unreasonable at all but it’s also very difficult to get someone to get up if they won’t. My DH is lazy and sleeps like the dead rather than actively refusing but I’ve had this for years now, so I sympathise.

Of course he's being unreasonable. They are HIS children too.

Is he really so selfish, ridiculous and childish that he would leave his marriage rather than split the early shift at the weekend?

Fucking hell. Why are you having another baby with an arse like that?

Yabu to keep procreating with a useless man.

He's ridiculous.

Go out today and leave him with the kids. Then ask him if work is harder than that.

He’s a lazy shit. Don’t have more kids with him.

Why the hell isn't he doing pickup if he finishes at 3:30?!
You need to reset the boundaries, it's not only about who gets up on the weekend.

Ask him why he can’t nap in the
hours between him getting home and you getting home. Wtf is he doing in that time and is it worth the after school childcare costs?

He's said if you carry on then he's done. Was he like this from the start with the first baby? I totally sympathise with you but he's made it quite clear that he's not going to change so now it's you that has choices - insist and he walks or suck it up and resent him more and more. There is a third choice but, unless he's generally a rubbish dad, do you want to go there?

Nope YANBU, we have a your day/my day schedule at the weekend but even then sometimes he has to do both days because of my work/study schedule. I often work out of the house in excess of 60 hours a week, I would never say he has to let me have a lay in because he only works 37.5. You should be a team.

You’re not being unreasonable and he’s being selfish. But you’ll be in a worse position if he slopes off back to his mum or something.

I think you might need some kind of compromise. If he needs his morning lie in, can you have time to yourself in the afternoon?

One day each would be fair most of the time.
While you're sick because you are pregnant with his child he should get up both days.

YANBU. He sounds lazy

DH was is a workaholic. The DC are grown up now. He was out of the house before 7am, he was rarely home before 9pm. He usually spent time workong over the weekends. Even he agreed, I think suggested, I have a lie in on Saturday; and he had one on Sunday. I had Saturday mornings off; he had Sunday mornings off. Not necessarily lying in bed but doing what we wanted.

Tell him to leave, then you will two lie ins every second weekend.

Why is he not picking the boys up on his way home from work if he is finished early? Does he do any parenting at all?

Good point, why isnt he picking them up on work days?

He's lazy AF

This.
So you see to your dcs when you are working and look after them when you aren't. Does he do no childcare at all?

As far as I can see, he is living a singleton's life. He gets up and goes to work, comes home, makes supper, chills out. At the weekend he lies in.

What is the point of being with him? Is he worth the bother? Is he just a house mate who pays half the bills?

I really feel for you @LStu you must be so exhausted at the moment. Unfortunately your partner sounds so passive, as though he is ok with having 2 children (and a third along the way) as long as very little is required from him. Does that sound about right?

I don’t know how you can make someone step up if they don’t want to and state that they are willing to walk away from you and their own children. Only you can decide if this man is actually committed to your family.

He’s lazy, YABU accepting it. Why you choose to add another child into the mix is bizarre. You firmly need to tell him he needs to step up or be done!!

He should be collecting from school at least two days- isn’t that why people usually finish at that time?

Just accept that you are already in effect a single parent, go it alone and get rid of this useless dead weight.

He is lazy. Most people would kill to work the hours he does. Plus have a maid and nanny which is in effect what you are.

I just find it strange that people need a sleep in on their day off. If you wake up at 6am example for work mon - fri then wouldn't you wake up naturally at that time at the weekend. No alarms needed if your waking up same time everyday. Shift work is different as waking time and sleeping times vary. He is been unreasonable and selfish

Why are you having another baby with this man baby? Raise your standards.

Yes, you should be each getting a weekend lie in. He gets home at 3/3.30, there's plenty of time for him to do stuff as he gets more time child free than you do. Why isn't he picking the kids up? Is your eldest in school yet?

This morning escalated to the point where he said if I continue to have it in my head that he needs to get up one day at the weekend with them, then he’s done. Am I being unreasonable here or is?

He is calling your bluff. Tell him to leave if he won’t share.

Not only should he be getting up on a Sunday, he should be collecting the kids straight from work. No way do I want my kids in childcare any longer than necessary! What a lazybones.

Never mind the weekend, why isn’t he collecting them from childcare?