AIBU / Expecting too much?

[LStu]

So after yet another Sunday morning argument about who should get up with the kids I’ve found myself here looking for input from ANYONE.

A bit of context, my partner and I have been together over 5 years, we have two boys (2 and 4) and I’m currently 9 weeks pregnant with our third, and morning sickness is completely kicking my butt. I work part time, 3 days a week doing 27.5 hours. On the other 4 days I have our boys. The days I am working I get up with the boys, get us all ready, out the house to drop them at childcare and then to the office for work. I start work at 8:30, then finish my working day around 5/5:30, going straight from the office to collect them and do the evening routine of play/dinner/bath/bed.

My partner works full time, 5 days a week, his hours are 7/7:30 until around 3/3:30 and then an earlier finish Friday. He gets himself up and organised and leaves the house for work and then when he’s home he will chill / shower or whatever until I’m home with the boys and then he will do dinner.

When it comes to the weekend my argument is that we should each take a day to get up with the boys while the other gets to sleep in / chill in bed for a while. When it comes to “his” day (usually the Sunday) it is always an argument in the morning for him getting up with them.

This morning was no different when I asked him to get up with them. His response is always very negative and it makes me feel like I’m asking too much. long story short is he sees it as he’s up earlier for work, so shouldn’t have to get up earlier at the weekend with our kids and he doesn’t care that I’m working / up with them during the week because I work part time and he’s up earlier during the week.

This morning escalated to the point where he said if I continue to have it in my head that he needs to get up one day at the weekend with them, then he’s done. Am I being unreasonable here or is he?

Getting 2 children ready and out of the house is a days work in itself. It sounds like he never has to do that.
I’ll echo previous posters that he shouldn’t have daily downtime between 330 and 530, even if he cooks dinner daily. You don’t get that.
Does he do bedtime routine.
Id call his bluff and tell him to go. It doesn’t sound like it’ll be that much more work for you and he’ll have to explain to family and friends he left because he won’t take responsibility for his own children and give his pregnant wife just one morning off.
I really hate these entitled men.

What a twat. He should be picking the kids up from school and helping with everything else.

When I was with exdp and our children were young, he would get up at 4:30am (worked 5 days but still got up at this time on weekends) walk the dogs then leave for work at 5:30. Get home around 2:00 and pick them up from nursery and school. He would cook for them and bath them before I got in from work. I then took a national role so worked away a lot and he would take the boys down to his mums or my mums at 7:30pm in their pjs after they had been bathed and had supper. Note the eldest was not his child, we had 50:50 with his dad- yet he still picked him up from school and looked after him when it was our days.

Your dh (and I use the d loosely) is a knob. You need to sit down and work this out properly. I couldn't live with a man like this.

Is he finishes work at 3:30 he should pick up the children surely ?
also yes definitely should do one of the weekend early wakes. This is part of parenting small children and he can’t just bow out of that, it’s totally unfair. He’s saying that you never deserve a lie-in ! Outrageous

1. If the expectation that he gets up one morning with his children makes him leave then good riddance.
2. It makes no sense that he doesn't pick up the children on your working days if he finishes at 3.30.
3. Make his day Saturday if he decides he will do it. If he argues about it or doesn't get up then you get Sunday.

Of course you're not being unreasonable - he's being incredibly lazy and selfish. Leaving aside the whole 1 day each issue (where he is being completely unfair) I can't believe he's expecting you to get up when you're 9 weeks pregnant! You should be resting all the time he's home. He really needs to be left to look after your DC by himself for a week or two then he might realise how little he actually does.

Tell him that if you’re doing the mornings, he can do the evenings.

You know you’re not being unreasonable.

You both work and should have one weekend morning each.

You get the children ready in the morning so he should be picking them up after he finishes work.

I’d be considering whether a third child in the mix is a good idea. I can’t see him changing, just you doing even more when you’re on maternity leave.

If he finishes earlier than you why isn't the cunt picking them up from childcare on your working days. He's an arsehole. When is your down time

YANBU..sounds like you are trying to be fair, each having a weekend lie in. He benefits from an early finish so gets down time in the afternoons as for some reason you are still picking up the children, so he has a few hours each day to himself. Maybe point this out to him when he is arguing about he gets up early every day.

Could you take the kids into the bedroom to wake him up? Then he has no option to back out of doing his share.

You cant imagine having worked so hard all week you are tired and need a lie in 🙄
Op is also pregnant ffs.

You really need to sit down and have a conversation with him and get him to do his fair share.

So when does he finally get up? Could you go back to bed for some chill time then? Sounds like you don’t get a break really. He gets the couple of hours the three days you work between him getting home and you returning with the children - that’s 6 hours- plus I’m guessing at least two hours each weekend day - so 10 hours in all.
He needs to be fair and work out how he is going to find 10 hours for you to have a break while he is responsible for the children. Or agree to split the lie ins!!

All I’ll say is that being a “single” parent was easier and gave me more free time than living with her father.

UANBU apart from having to ask the question.

Why oh why are you having another baby with this lazy asshole? Of course YANBU but come on he isnt going to change and thinks you are wrong - fuck that shit.

Can I ask why you decided to have 3 children with such a selfish and lazy man?

Honest love, you need to raise your bar. Take the twat at his word and chuck him out. And think very carefully about having another child.

YABU to have gone on to create yet another child with this useless man and then moan that he won’t parent them.

Take your lie in on the Saturday. If he doesn't do his part then he doesn't get his sunday lie in.

My husband isn't great at getting up but I had an honest conversation about feeling like the balance was unfair, he took it on board and has improved. No one is perfect, but if he'd refused to change i think it would have destroyed our relationship as he clearly didn't care about my feelings.

YANBU. Also, at 9 weeks pregnant he should be doing most of the mornings! My husband steps up when I'm pregnant thankfully!

I know PP are saying to call his bluff and I can see why.

Realistically, though you are about to have a young child, a toddler and a new born. Would life really be easier without him at the moment? Presumably, he brings in money and you say he cooks the dinner-not amazing things to do but things that are done nonetheless.

You say Partner, so you are not married and it might take time for him to pay up if he is of a mind not to do so. Could you manage with two small children and a newborn if the money stops?

In my experience, and this is just personal, when a man says he will go/is done they haven't usually licked it off the floor. It is something that has already gained a little bit of space in their head, something they have turned over, considered and are just waiting for an excuse to activate.

If you think you can manage perfectly well and don't need his imput, trust him to pay up, then you may feel that he can go, you won't be disadvantaged and of course, if he is physically dangerous, then advantages or disadvantages don't matter. He goes.

However, you haven't said that and I just want to dampen down the gung ho "call his bluff" responses because that might be exactly what he is waiting for.

Only you know if you can can manage three children, one a new born and not suffer in any way.

Weigh it all up carefully

I thought this. My DH didn’t step up when our kids were young. I soldiered on and got on with it thinking that it would be worse if I were alone. Then one day when they were teens my brain snapped and I kicked him out.

I’m not sure what I am trying to say but your resentment will grow. If this is how he feels can you do counseling?