To not pay for my friends lunch

[Auroraspyjamas]

Friend lives about an hour and a half drive away. She came to visit and meet our new baby. We had agreed in advance we’d go out for lunch with our partners and the baby,

When it came to pay the bill we split it and paid separately but I wondered if perhaps I should have offered to pay for their food as they were visiting us and had done the drive, petrol etc.
What do you think? What’s the done thing in this situation?

I’m on mat leave and a bit cash poor at the moment, as background.

so was I rude? AIBU?

I think you were fine. If I was the visiting friend I wouldn't have given it a thought, I would have assumed we're were splitting the bill.

I probably would have offered but I also wouldnt have thought you were tight if it was the other way round. I am sure meeting your little one was worth the drive and congratulations

No I think it was fine - it would have been a large bill with all four of you there, and they would have been happy to see you and your new baby! Don't worry about it and they sound like nice friends.

Did she ask to come and meet the baby or did you invite her? Who's idea was it to go out for lunch?

My Dh would've made lunch but if everyone insisted they wanted to go out, we'd probably split it.

I always make the assumption everyone pays for their own food unless stated otherwise. In my book, me asking someone to lunch isn’t an offer to pay, but an opportunity for friends to spend time with one another.

I think its weird to go out for lunch instead of hosting and cooking when somebody has driven an hour and a half one way to visit you

I probably would have paid as they had driven quite a way and probably brought you a gift? But it's ok, it doesn't really matter either way. I'm sure she doesn't care.

There was a general chat where she said she’d like to meet the baby, I said something like do you want to come over for lunch on x date and then there was a lot of back and forth about other stuff and then she said something like, shall we go out for lunch? I then thought to myself actually that was better as we’ve found hosting with the baby can be stressful and less time to actually all chat so I said yes and suggested a casual lunch spot.

No its fine, they obviously didn’t expect you too if they paid their share especially with you having a new baby. Lunch isn’t always a offer to pay it’s sometimes just enjoying each others company please don’t worry!

We would’ve fed them at home as they’ve travelled to see you. I was breastfeeding non stop when mine were new, so I was happier at home.

We probably would’ve have paid for a lunch out.

They didn’t bring a gift but I wasn’t offended by that

I think it's fine OP. Congratulations on your new baby.

With a new baby? I think it's perfectly understandable why lunch out might be easier!

Oh in that case I think them not bringing a gift is by far worse than you splitting the bill.

We’d split the bill, I think you’re fine.

I don’t drive so find myself in this situation more often than most I find! I always offer to cover lunch/dinner as the other person has incurred the petrol costs and I can’t return the favour by coming to them next time. I don’t think you’re out of order for not thinking of it though!

Would I expect a couple who had just had a baby and their income gone down considerably to buy me lunch whilst visiting? No.

To be fair I wouldn’t expect a couple who had not just had a baby and no change to their income to buy me lunch whilst visiting either!

I never assume friends will be paying so always have money and my debit card with me. I agree with others, it could well be the best option to go out for lunch. I love going to new places for a lunch time meal.

Did the friend bring a gift?

It’s expensive these days to always treat people for lunch. I think it was fine and they wouldn’t be expecting you to provide or pay for lunch.

I always prefer splitting the bill. Offering to pay is awkward. I think it can come across a bit "Lady Bountiful". It creates obligations that I'd rather avoid. They are obliged to be grateful, and who wants that?

You have to have the ridiculous performance: I'll pay-no no no, let me - please let me, I really want to - oh that's really really kind of you. I'll have to pay next time

Splitting the bill is egalitarian and easy and fuss-free..Everyone is equal. No one owes anyone. No one is left calculating how much it's going to cost them if they want to go out next week again.

I would have paid if they had brought gifts but I think splitting under these circumstances was appropriate.

You were fine, it’s really not expected that to buy people lunch, even if you’re the one who suggested lunch. That’s just not how it typically works.

@Thryu3 when I had a new baby, if anyone came to visit expecting me to provide lunch, they’d have been waiting about 12 hours!