To not pay for my friends lunch

[Auroraspyjamas]

Friend lives about an hour and a half drive away. She came to visit and meet our new baby. We had agreed in advance we’d go out for lunch with our partners and the baby,

When it came to pay the bill we split it and paid separately but I wondered if perhaps I should have offered to pay for their food as they were visiting us and had done the drive, petrol etc.
What do you think? What’s the done thing in this situation?

I’m on mat leave and a bit cash poor at the moment, as background.

so was I rude? AIBU?

I would have offered to pay, especially as initially you invited them for lunch and they travelled a long way. However, I wouldn’t visit a new baby without a present so 🤷‍♀️

Don’t overthink it OP, congrats on the new baby.

They didn’t bring you a gift for a new baby. No way should you have shouted them lunch, especially since lunch out was her suggestion.

(I would usually offer a meal to anyone travelling, but prob not with a new baby. Come to think of it when we had visitors with my brand new dc, the visitors always brought food with them for us to eat).

I think that people who go to visit a new mother and baby are supposed to pay for lunch.

Same!

No that’s fine to split the bill.

Totally tight. Why didn’t you make lunch at home if you couldn’t afford to pay? A pisstake after a 3 hour round trip.

God, I’ve just read that they didn’t bring a new baby gift.
In that case, you were in good company!

When I visit good friends just after they’ve given birth, even if a long drive, I normally offer to bring lunch if it’s a lunch time visit. And I would expect to pay if we went out. Don’t expect a new mum to be up for catering and think it’s a time to treat them, not expect to be hosted in that way.

A less good friend or when I was younger and money was tighter, if going out to lunch splitting the bill would be normal. I would definitely not expect her to pay.

So I think you were just fine and should stop worrying about it. It was lovely that your friend came to see you and got to meet your baby. It’s great to share that joy with people you know and good for you to keep up your friendships. Spend time thinking about that, not whether or not you should have paid.

Wouldn’t have occurred to me that you would pay in this situation

Currently visiting a friend. Drove for two hours and we are going out for dinner in a minute. Can't wait and definitely don't begrudge her suggesting a local favourite eatery and I fully expect to pay my own bill.

Are you that poor that you expect someone on maternity pay to cover your lunch? Even worse someone with a baby to make you lunch? I’m cringing for you!

I need to call all my friends and thank them again for everything they did now I’ve read your post 🤣

To be honest, it would be a non-issue, as I’d never have someone to drive 90 minutes to mine and then not feed them.
Also, I was postpartum and not disabled, so well up for doing this.
So you can save your cringe.

People on MN can be so weird!
I would never expect an invitation to lunch to mean they are paying the bill.
I would always expect to either split the bill if everyone roughly had the same or just pay for what we each had.
Unless someone says “lunch is our treat” you should plan for and expect to pay for yourself!
Someone driving for a couple of hours doesn’t entitle them to a meal 🫣

They didn’t bring a gift? That’s quite rude etiquette wise. I wouldn’t be massively offended if it was myself being visited but I would be mortified if I was visiting a friend with a new baby and I was empty handed.

I met up with a friend this week who had a baby recently. I bought her a gift AND paid for our lunch and coffee. Maternity leave is expensive!

I have never expected anyone to pay for my food when out, regardless of who suggested the meal. If invited out and it is clear someone else is paying I hate it because I don't feel like I can order what I want and just go for the cheapest options (self issue, not because they have said anything).

Has she said anything OP? When out with friends I think its totally normal to just split the bill or pay for what you had. MN has some weird rules about who invited who and who should pay. Luckily I have not come across this in real life with any of my friends/family.

If I invited a friend over to see my baby and they drove for 1.5 hours and brought a gift, I would make them lunch. If we went out I would pay for lunch.
If they didn’t bring a little present for the baby I would find that very rude (unless I knew they were skint). I would feed them lunch at home but would not pay for them if we went out.
If I offered lunch at home but they insisted on going out, I would split the bill.
I would never allow a friend who drives to see me and brings a gift to pay for my lunch.

I'd always be expecting to pay for my own food regardless of travel etc, unless someone had explicitly offered to pay in advance for some reason (birthday, as thanks for a favour etc).

Assuming your friend isn't daft, she'll know you have more important things to spend money on at the moment, so I doubt she was expecting you to pay.

You should have treated her as your guest.

Absolutely not now having read your answer re did she bring a gift. Either way, No you did not need to pay the full bill. It was her decision to come for lunch and extremely bad form not to have come with a present no matter how small.

Sounds absolutely fine, especially as she suggested going out. She sounds like a nice, considerate friend who wanted to see you and your new baby but didn’t want to cause you hassle by expecting you to host them. Don’t give it another thought! I would never expect anyone to pay for my meal whether I was visiting them or vice versa.

How do they sound like nice friends?

I can't believe people who think it's some massive imposition to drive for 90 minutes to see your friend's new baby! They are your friend!

Your friend suggested the meal out so splitting is absolutely fine. She should have bought a gift though.

I think it was fine as long as it evens out over time and you make the drive to see her too.

It's not fair if it's one person/couple doing most of the driving.

Because they made the effort to drive down and see OP and her baby.