To ask for help with 12 year old DD and how not to fat shame her

[Worrieddancemum]

Arrgghh DD has been piling weight on this last few months, eating literally anything and everything and she’s put on a lot of weight. She’s autistic, and only eats certain things, but large quantities. Lots of carbs and sugar.

I have tired limiting certain things but she’s very sensitive and gets so upset that I end up backtracking.

Shes a dancer but doesn’t do anywhere near as much as she used to, which has obviously resulted in her not burning off as much day to day

Shes just tired on an outfit for dance that I got her (adult size 10) and it’s too small. She’s literally hanging out of it, and it looks unflattering but more importantly risks her compromising her dignity (leotards are very unforgiving as it is). All I said was that it was too small and I will change it for next size up. She has said it’s fine and she wants to keep it. She has no awareness that she’s put weight on, and I don’t want to spell it out, but I’m not letting her wear something that doesn’t fit when I can easily change it tomorrow. That’s spiralled to me accusing her of always needing bigger sizes, and how it’s upsetting her. I feel like I’m going to emotionally damage her 😫 but in the same breath she lacks self awareness and doesn’t seem to see how much her body has changed

Im so scared of upsetting her as her mental health is so precarious, but how do I manage this longer term?!

You need to set boundaries around food and exercise portion control to stop this spiralling.

Perhaps frame it as a family health kick so you’re not singling her out, go through recipe books together, get her involved in cooking, don’t let her eat a huge portion or have sugary desserts every night. Have a treat day where’s she’s allowed her favourite sugary treat so she doesn’t feel like things are banned.

What foods does she eat? I think you do need to start restricting the sugar. We do pudding for one meal, the kids can choose which, but not lunch and dinner. They also have to have eaten the savoury food first and pudding portions are controlled, otherwise ds2 would exist entirely on sugar and not eat the main. Ds2 will still do a food raid if he thinks he can get away with it!

For ds1, who is less restricted in eating, I do packed lunch with home made oat and seed bars for snack and higher fibre and protein muffin or brownie for pudding. Blake bean brownies are a good lower sugar alternative. I did try chickpea cookies a few weeks ago, but they turned green (natural chemical reaction, but still alarming) so I couldn't put them in the lunch box!

I was considering something along these lines, re a family health kick. She is just so rigid that I’m worried any kind of change will cause her to be upset. I’m constantly on egg shells with her. She’s on medication that I suspect has contributed towards the appetite increase, but she’s literally quadrupled in size this last year and I’m so worried

I’m petrified of making her feel shame/upset, and it’s stopping me from dealing with this

Is there any possibility you could get the bigger size, take the inside tag off and say nothing about it?
Long term, it would help if you said the whole family are eating healty. Would she go on walks with you in the evening? Is there any chance of getting her to do more dancing?

Whilst I appreciate you’re worried about her health and diet, anything that involves shaming her will be more damaging to her health and wellbeing overall.
Some girls put on weight through the onset of puberty and then lose it.
Just don’t have certain things in the house or slowly phase them out and I agree try and get her involved in cooking.
I think it is worse to push her to wear another size when she says she’s happy with one, because you are embarrassed of how she looks or thinks she will be embarrassed. It’s her body and her choice what she wears.

Part of me agrees with this, part of me doesn’t re pushing to wear another size.

I can imagine what a too-small leotard could look like and that’s a very different thing to squeezing into a pair of jeans that don’t quite fit visually. If the options are that a child at dance makes a horrible comment or mum has a quiet word I think it’s far better for mum to do it.

Get a bigger size and take the tag out. Say nothing.

Then family health kick asap. You control the menu. You arrange and join in with exercise without making a big deal of it. It’s just the new routine.

Best of luck. I wish my mum had been as thoughtful as you when I was 12. Fat shaming is not the way to go.

It’s very difficult. I was an overweight child and other children can be cruel. I appreciate you don’t want to psychologically damage her but ultimately it is her health and I’m sure she’ll have realised she’s put on weight, whether she wants to acknowledge it to you or not.
better to do something now than let it get worse.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DVRlDxIkgBJ/?igsh=MWdieDM4aGxkOGU4dQ==

This just came up on my feed. And I get what people are saying about the leotard but it was more important to me at that age that my mum had my back regardless of other people’s views.

@Haveyouanyjam her vulva was showing when she did certain moves, and it wouldn’t zip up at the back and was cutting into her armpits

I think you should get her the larger sized leotard but not say anything about it.

As for the food, reduce the amount of snack foods in the house and encourage more healthy options first. I wouldn't completely cut out treats though. Personally I wouldn't mention her weight at all.

Does she drink sugary drinks ? If so, don't buy anymore and only allow water (for the whole family not just her).

Agree except not sizing up.

Dont make a big deal of it or mention it but having clothes that fit is so much better for self confidence than feeling like you’re squeezing into everything you’re trying to wear

I will change the size without making a fuss or mentioning it, that’s a good idea 👍

Im also going to meal plan for next week and discreetly get rid of anything she may binge on

Okay, if it won’t go on then yes I agree say nothing and just buy the bigger size without tags as others have said.

There is no easy way to navigate but have posted a thread that may be useful.

Either way, try not to worry about it too much. Just focus on modelling health. You can’t get it right all the time as long as she knows you love and support her and that’s more
important than her weight then that’s what matters.

This doesn’t have to be about weight / shape or size. It’s a simple matter of fits or not. You’d insist on properly fitting shoes wouldn’t you? So you insist on getting a properly fitting leotard.

No shaming, no equating size with value. Just practical facts. This one doesn’t fit, this one does.

Can you get her to do more of her dancing? That sounds like it would be the best thing for her.

Yes, this. Seeing larger clothes sizes as bad and shameful is a very adult woman perspective, and needs to be stamped out hard for the next generation. For this reason I don't agree with cutting out the label. She'll know the new leotard is bigger, and I wouldn't want to message that bigger sizes are something to be hidden because they're 'wrong'. Tell her the leotard is wrong, not her body, and you're getting her a leotard that's right.

Are you slim, have you struggled with weight? It is so hard to be overweight as a teenager and then an adult.

There's a lot going on here.

I doubt she has 'literally quadrupled in size". If she has, obviously you need medical intervention immediately - but your response to her weight gain seems emotional and hyperbolic, to be blunt.

I'd personally rather my daughter wasn't wearing any garment that risked "compromising her dignity" regardless of dress size.

Size 10 is quite small. Being larger than a size 10 doesn't make her grotesquely obese.

But yeah, for now but the bigger leotard, cut the tags out. Help her manage her diet, to the best of your and her abities.

But also maybe address now you feel, and talk, about food and weight, yourself?

If you feel it’s medication contributing have you fed this back to the prescribing Dr ?
have you tried not keeping the sugary bingeable foods in the house ?
this is what I have to do (for me!) you sound like such a kind mother, good luck

Buy the bigger costume - clothes are made to fit bodies, the issue is the clothes not the body.
Talk to the doctor if you think the medication is the cause
Change diet for the whole family - just don't buy the snack foods and prepare healthy meals for everyone.

How tall is she? I was pretty much my full height by 12, around 5ft9. Although not a size 12 at that age I do sometimes by tgat size in tops as an adult and I'm pretty slim. Maybe it's not as bad as you think?

Otherwise Id focus on get rid of things in her diet that have unecessary calories that you can use other reasons for. Juice or sugary drinks -concerned about teeth, mayonaise/ketchup/squash/sweets/biscuits/ anything ready made - trying to cut down on upfs. I'm sure you can think of other non-weight related reasons for other stuff.

My daughter is 17, and is also autistic. She has always been quite particular when it comes to food. Over the past year or so her appetite has massively increased and she is constantly craving carbs and sugary treats. Lately we have been trying to limit her to 3 sweet treats/puddings per week, and 2 fizzy drinks per week, with the odd exception. It's been going fairly well. I think part of her large appetite is to do with sensory issues- she says she constantly feels the need to chew. She has been chewing gum a lot recently to stop her from snacking all of the time.
Also remember to have her drink plenty of water as dehydration can also make a person feel hungry. If, like my DD, she forgets to drink, you can set reminders and maybe help her pick out a nice water bottle to encourage her to drink more, with sections to show how much she has drunk.
Maybe see if there are any healthy snacks that she might like? I know it can be really difficult to find new foods when it comes to Autism but my DD really likes hummus with bread sticks, carrots and ham.
Keep in mind that it's quite normal for tweens/teenagers to gain wait as their body prepares for puberty. That may well be why she is more hungry than usual. Has she started her periods?
I wouldn't completely cut out sugar from her life because she will likely struggle a lot with this and might try and sneak it from somewhere else. Instead, limit intake, maybe make a special (healthy) snack draw that she can choose from anytime. We found that routine is very important for my DD (breakfast, mid morning snack if she wants it, lunch, afternoon snack if she wants it, dinner, and then a healthy snack or pudding before bed). She gets quite disregulated if two of her meals are merged (i.e. brunch).

Good luck and get in touch with your GP if you are worried or things don't improve as they may be able to give some professional advice or good strategies to use.

Slim woman, overweight child. Life long obsession with not getting fat because of internalising that it was bad to be bigger.