To ask for help with 12 year old DD and how not to fat shame her

[Worrieddancemum]

Arrgghh DD has been piling weight on this last few months, eating literally anything and everything and she’s put on a lot of weight. She’s autistic, and only eats certain things, but large quantities. Lots of carbs and sugar.

I have tired limiting certain things but she’s very sensitive and gets so upset that I end up backtracking.

Shes a dancer but doesn’t do anywhere near as much as she used to, which has obviously resulted in her not burning off as much day to day

Shes just tired on an outfit for dance that I got her (adult size 10) and it’s too small. She’s literally hanging out of it, and it looks unflattering but more importantly risks her compromising her dignity (leotards are very unforgiving as it is). All I said was that it was too small and I will change it for next size up. She has said it’s fine and she wants to keep it. She has no awareness that she’s put weight on, and I don’t want to spell it out, but I’m not letting her wear something that doesn’t fit when I can easily change it tomorrow. That’s spiralled to me accusing her of always needing bigger sizes, and how it’s upsetting her. I feel like I’m going to emotionally damage her 😫 but in the same breath she lacks self awareness and doesn’t seem to see how much her body has changed

Im so scared of upsetting her as her mental health is so precarious, but how do I manage this longer term?!

You mention rigid thinking, I am just cautioning remaining neutral about food if this is the case.

How does she see herself?

Mum of an overweight autistic dd here. My suggestion is you have a gentle, straightforward discussion.

You have noticed that she has put on some weight. You are concerned for her health and would like to make sure she has the support she needs to be healthy. I told my DD that I know her autism makes her diet difficult and that this is an extra reason to be aware of other health factors (weight, skin condition, blood pressure). We visited the doctor for blood tests (showed she was very anaemic and needed iron) - resulting in low energy levels and therefore less active, so weight gain. Early teenager hood is also fraught with hormonal changes which can increase appetite. She needs to be aware of this so she can manage it. Her autism means she needs extra support to keep her physical health in check.

She might not like it - my DD initially kicked off about fat shaming but I held the line on the health and well-being being at increased risk due to ND.

How tall is she? I was my adult height at 12.
What medication is she on? Perhaps other mumsnetters might have experience

For my own teens iv just stopped having crap in the house. Theres fruit, veg sticks, yogurt they can help themselves. Anything else they have to ask s they might be part of meals we are going to make.

I was an over weight child and early teenager. Forever greatful to my DM trying the 'we are doing healty eating together' story. That really helped and we bonded with it. My DM was very kind and sensitive about it all. I'm so sorry that you had an obsession with not being overweight, it really is a struggle.

I'm reading with interest because I relate so much. Ds is 12, autistic and overweight. It's been a gradual increase and some friends I mentioned my concerns to said its typical to lay down fat just before a spurt. But he has had a spurt now and his appetite went through the roof and he still has a big belly.

I am so afraid of fat shaming. But I think it would be worse to not address it. I was tubby and my sister was very overweight as a child. No one was ever allowed mention weight and my parents watched us balloon us for fear of upsetting us. I understand it was tricky, my Dsis still talks about the time Mum fat shamed her and how she resents it. As far as I can tell Mum tried to talk to her once about her issues, and it was maybe too late. I think ideally we could talk openly about our bodies and weight and fitness and understand that it's normal to gain occasionally and then you need to make changes to get back to healthy. As far as I can see that's what healthy normal families do. But i don't know, I feel I'm getting it wrong and because I have never really gotten my own weight under control I am not in a position to talk to anyone and I'm failing as a role model. I hate that DS could be inflicted with a lifetime of being fat like me.

Absolutely. There was great advice given already on healthy eating habits. I just wanted to pick up on the clothes size part. When I was 11 in the 80s, I first heard of 'the perfect 10', which in those days was a 24 inch waist. For some reason, that really stuck. I slimmed down naturally a year or so later, and the elation of 'achieving' that size 10 was so powerful.
I'm 56 now, and I still feel 'fat' if my waist is over 25 inches. I'm a sensible woman, yet I can't shake it. Anything bigger than that old size 10, and I'm not good enough. How daft is that?

Some really helpful advice here, thank you

Shes on sertraline, which I have read can cause increased hunger.

Shes 5ft 4. She hasn’t started her periods yet, but I know puberty is imminent

She is hypersensitive to any kind of perceived criticism, so I’m constantly watching what I say whilst invariably saying the wrong thing 🥴

I don't want to quote post your whole post 5128gap, it seems rude.
When I was 11 in the 80s, I first heard of 'the perfect 10', which in those days was a 24 inch waist.
I want to gently say that if OP gets the bigger size dance dress for DD and removes the tags, it isn't the same as your experience.
The OP needs quick solution to the dance outfit because her DD doesn't fit it. She wants to help her and not make any big deal of it.
Also, The 80s and 90s were brutal for women.

A 12 probably is big for a 5ft4 person. How tall are you? She probably has a couple of inches to grow still so maybe will be ok after that?

@LGBirmingham im 5ft 6 and her dads 5f 8 so neither of us are particularly tall