Siblings going to my ex husband's holiday house

[ForeverTheOptomist]

I know that I'm opening myself up to abuse here, and unfortunately I have experienced negative responses to other peoples posts on Mumsnet.

I divorced my husband many years ago, due to his physical, mental and emotional abuse. He was a total bastard and not terribly sane. his attacks were hideous on me, and my children used to sometimes run away when he came ihome. Physically I suffered broken ribs. Emotionally he was destructive.

Within a couple of years of us divorcing, my siblings decided to go away to his holiday house in southern Europe. I had no relationships with him at the time, except for the basics, which included the fact that the judge had said that nobody (ie me) should have to contend the damage that he inflicted.

What I'm asking here is historical. My family went on a jolly with him. He predictably of course organising to stay with them, in his rather large house,

I would very much like opinion on this. My family continue to treat him like a bestie.

I have until very recently attempted to keep some sort of connection with him as we have three children.

I cannot sustain this any longer. Yet my family do not get it. They continue to believe that I am unreasonable in that I do not want any contact with him.
Apparently they 'follow my lead'. I have told them, repeatedly, to follow my lead, now. I won't endure It any further.

Frankly, I want them to go to hell.

I’m not surprised! Do they know how badly he treated you? They sound callous. I wouldn’t be able to forgive them.

My heart breaks for you, they sound awful.
A family member of mine went through the same and the moment she told us what had been happening behind closed doors we never spoke a word to her husband again, he was blanked from the entire family long before the divorce was even filed.

Do you at least have friends you can rely on?

No loyalty, no loyalty at all - to you. Shame on them.

If someone abused my sister/daughter/niece/mother, hell would freeze over before I had any contact with her abuser, let alone go on holiday with him.
So in all honesty, if I were you, they would not be my family any longer.
Your husband horribly abused you, and your family have effectively taken his side. I don’t cut people out of my life easily but that would be enough for me to do it.
How old are your children now? As soon as they are old enough you won’t need to maintain any contact with their father yourself.

Your family are complicit in the abuse that you suffered. I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much. I have C-PTSD. You give me hope. I continue to find the strength to continue without their approval. It’s tricky, and due to my ill health further ineasy. I don’t want to continued to be further damaged.

Thank you.

That's awful OP. It must feel like a complete betrayal - I swear people will sell their soul for a freebie holiday.

Do your family know how he treated you and what you endured? If so, I would find it hard to be around them.

The bastard has weaponised your family as a way to continue to exert misery in your life.
I'm so sorry, OP. This must hurt terribly. Something similar happened to me.

Bloody hell. If you have told them in detail how he treated you, that's appalling.
I rarely suggest going no contact, but this is a case for considering cutting them out of your life.

I'd give your family an ultimatum. You or him. If they pick him then go NC with them.
You deserve a stress free life after all you have endured.

Some families are abusive and that's where we learn to accept abuse from a partner.

Wow, so they want to stay buddies with your abusive ex for the sake of a few free holidays? What shits they are. They have no loyalty to you, and you owe them nothing.

This just about sums it up. So sorry you’ve had to go through what you did @ForeverTheOptomist

I think there’s a lot of stuff us humans can deal with if we know the people around us have our backs. When they don’t it’s just abuse heaped on abuse.

My parents did similar OP and I know just how hurtful it is. I’m so sorry.

Years ago, when DC was younger, my ex decided that he’d drop them off at my parent’s holiday home after contact, which happened to be in the country in which he resided - albeit quite a drive away. This was because it was cheaper for him than flying over with dc and handing over to me, and parents wanted to have dc for a bit of the holidays (as company/entertainment for their other English friends’ grandchildren no doubt).

It later transpired that he had not only stayed there the night after his journey, but a couple of extra days as well. Swimming in their pool, eating meals etc. I never even stepped foot in this house as was not able to afford the flights (and the idea of being stuck in the middle of nowhere with my parents and no car fills me with horror, but that’s beside the point).

They said they did this for DC, despite knowing how awful he was to me, the fact he’d ruined family Christmases at theirs by kicking off, etc etc. Just welcomed him into their home! They were perfectly capable of meeting him halfway etc, or just saying no.

Poster above nails it. Some families are just like this and mine were completely emotionally neglectful, odd and thoughtless.

Your family's behaviour is toxic and unfair. They are actually siding with and supporting the man who abused their daughter/sister. I would cut off contact as they are not safe people to have around your children.

I'm so sorry OP.

I totally agree with pp that he is using your family to continue his abuse of you.

Families can be so cruel.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I often think that my siblings live in cloud cuckoo land. So much more that I could say.

He broke your ribs and they are going on holiday with the man?! That’s awful. How can they say they are following your lead?

I'm so sorry, OP. If my sister's partner hurt her like that, he'd be dead to me. In fact, he might well actually be dead if our mother got hold of him!! Your family are so unreasonable.

Sadly this is not uncommon. DSD's birth mother was very awful and abusive to DH in her alcoholism, and eventually drank herself to death. There's an insistence between some members of her family and some members of his that it was all just a big tragedy, what happened to her. DH is now nc with some of his family because of their refusal to see the truth of what he went through.

I couldn’t stomach this human after hurting anyone like that, let alone of it were a relative of mine. I’m sorry OP, for what you went through and for your family’s painful lack of loyalty

as already mentioned I’d lay out very clearly “if his company and these holidays mean that much to you then I have to stay away from you for my own health and wellbeing”. I’d definitely go NC for this, it’s awful

Is it any wonder you ended up with someone like him if your friends and family are like that?

Break the cycle. See less of them and perhaps cut them off when you've made new friends.

I don’t cut people off easily but the disloyalty would make it impossible to have a relationship with them. How incredibly hurtful of them to maintain a relationship with someone who abused you so badly.

I can see why your families behaviour is painful for you.
Do your family know your Ex physically,mentally and emotionally abused you?
Have you told your siblings/family how you feel?
Do you children have contact with your Ex?

I’m sure I remember reading this a long time ago on here?

sorry your family are so shit. 🌷

I'd be furious with them and I'd cut them off. Sorry you have such a shitty family OP.