Siblings going to my ex husband's holiday house

[ForeverTheOptomist]

I know that I'm opening myself up to abuse here, and unfortunately I have experienced negative responses to other peoples posts on Mumsnet.

I divorced my husband many years ago, due to his physical, mental and emotional abuse. He was a total bastard and not terribly sane. his attacks were hideous on me, and my children used to sometimes run away when he came ihome. Physically I suffered broken ribs. Emotionally he was destructive.

Within a couple of years of us divorcing, my siblings decided to go away to his holiday house in southern Europe. I had no relationships with him at the time, except for the basics, which included the fact that the judge had said that nobody (ie me) should have to contend the damage that he inflicted.

What I'm asking here is historical. My family went on a jolly with him. He predictably of course organising to stay with them, in his rather large house,

I would very much like opinion on this. My family continue to treat him like a bestie.

I have until very recently attempted to keep some sort of connection with him as we have three children.

I cannot sustain this any longer. Yet my family do not get it. They continue to believe that I am unreasonable in that I do not want any contact with him.
Apparently they 'follow my lead'. I have told them, repeatedly, to follow my lead, now. I won't endure It any further.

Frankly, I want them to go to hell.

I think for your own sake you need to cut out both your ex and also the family members that went on holiday with him. Hopefully you have some supportive friends around you.

This.

Kindly OP, I think you need to cut your losses and let them go. It sounds like your life will be better for it. I am so sorry, this is definitely betrayal and I would not be able to forgive them.

Gosh, you must be so strong to have survived that.

I would cut them off. Their behaviour is totally unacceptable. There is nothing that can excuse it.

Just wanted to offer, sympathy and solidarity. Ex h was like this. I got pregnant at 18, (in the 1960s) you got married end of. Police not interested in domestics. Spent a time in a battered wives refuge,omg awful place in 1970! You didn't go around telling your friends, mostly they saw a quiet shy man. He was definitely a psychopath. He fessed up to me after almost 20 years,I was his only female sexual partner. He married me as a front for his middle class family. He tried to kill me, poison. I understood he went to public boarding school,later discovered it was a borstal institute for trying to kill his father! Friends said oh, I can't believe he was like that. Only child, have a cousin I'm close to . We went nc with DH (second) siblings and m, after his childhood and although they never had a good word to say about their m,they took her side against me,DH cut them off 17 years ago. Leave them to it,raise your head up, they aren't worth it.💐🌹

YANBU, that’s a huge betrayal from your family.

How often does your ex see the kids now?

I think you should prioritise keeping your kids safe from your ex and your family.

Can you go low contact with your family?

A lot of people put aside their morals when there is something to gain.

Epstein has demonstrated this.

So I would try not to take it personally.

Do yourself a massive favour, through therapy, find out why these awful people matter to you. I think that might be your key to freedom.

And to hammer home the point, I like a free holiday as a much as the next man(delson), but I would draw the line at taking one from someone who had hurt someone I loved.

Your siblings are a disgrace tbh

It would be fairly shit to do it if you'd just had a regular old divorce but this is really really awful of them.

I dont know if I could stay in touch

Thank you.

Yes, yes (repeatedly) and yes.

I have tolerated him in the past but now cannot tolerate being in the same building as him. This is seen as negative by my family.

For info - the mental abuse started when my twins were about 2 weeks old. He was terrifying.

Considering he assaulted and injured you, and the rest, I think your family is behaving in a mercenary, freebie-grabbing despicable way.
I think you re entitled to feel quite disappointed in them. They certainly sound like a selfish amoral bunch.

I'd love to reply to everyone individually. I will say though that you have all restored my faith in humanity. So thank you. I really appreciate the advice that has been given.

For info - counselling has been suggested (good thinking!). I was on a programme for C-PTSD last year (I was only diagnosed about a year ago) but it was abandoned as it was destructive. I am now in counselling. It is all of this treatment that is helping me to finally face the crap, so to speak. It has been destroying me for too long.

And yes - I have many fabulous, supportive, fun, kind friends who get it!

Im so sorry that must have been awful and is still awful!
I hope you have some support around you IRL .

I remember when my ex beat me up and smashed my house up (not the first time he hit me)

My mother walked in with my father in tow and im standing in my wrecked house,dc screaming and im covered in blood and hysterical

First words out of my mothers mouth where 'what did you do to set him off?' and my father just stood there,hands on hips telling me that I 'shag pond scum'

Both spoke to him nicely 'I know she wound you up' 'she deserved this' 'she made you lose your temper' and 'oh lovely,I cant believe she wound you up this much'

He was arrested and they both stuck up for him in court (slap on the wrist,£80 fine which they tried to get me to pay) and supported him all the way

Im nc (much to their amazement) and they tell everyone that im the problem

Best thing I ever did was go nc,im lying if I say it wasn't painful but my life is so much better without them in it

Oh,and they are still in touch with him and back up his 'I did nothing wrong'

Your family are toxic. It makes me wonder what your upbringing was like.if they can be like this now.

I'm so sorry you have ensured the abuse from your ex and now a continuation of that abuse by your family.

Counselling will help you heal from both the family abuse and your ex.

There's always hope, even when it doesn't feel like it or you take a backward step, it's all part of recovering and healing ❤️

This is awful. I'm so sorry that that happened to you. It makes me sick to my stomach. What in Gods name were your parents thinking?

Adding to this, what the F... are people thinking, when they justify their actions as 'caring' and we are supposed to lap it up and take the shit that is thrown at us.

My childhood was shit. I lived in a big draughty house in a very posh area of my home town. A very 'respected' upbringing. I was bullied, humiliated, by my siblings because I rarely spoke. When I did speak I was ridiculed. It was easier to keep my mouth shut.

Thank you all for the support that you are giving. It means a lot. I'm not going to offload here. I will say though that because I didn't speak, I was regarded by my family as 'thick' ... which is ironic.

The thing is, though, that I have kept all of these things deep inside. I'm now dealing with them.

I'm working towards keeping them at a distance. it's handy that they think I'm bonkers!

Dysfunctional abusive families do this sort of thing.

So my ex is pretty much a liar, manipulative and I believe emotionally abusive. My mum and brother would throw me under the bus to kiss his ass. I've been in therapy for years to fully realise that I come from an abusive, coercive dysfunctional family.

It sounds like yours might be the same. No loving sibling who has empathy and care would do this. Yes, I know these are buzzwords but this would fit the type that are narcissistic, no empathy or enablers to narcissistic people.

I would try to think about distancing from your family. Don't talk about him ever to them, come away from social media connection if you can. Don't really say anything about how you feel as they've shown they don't care and may deliberately want to scapegoat you.

Really sorry you're experiencing this. Counselling will help validate and support you through this

I am in the same position but with family frequenting abusive parent's large holiday house abroad.

They have full knowledge of the facts yet chose silence in return for their free holidays.

I tried for a few years to put my thoughts on this to the side but decided a couple of years ago they can fuck right off with their mercenary antics and am now NC.

Wishing you the best OP 💐

'fuck right off with their mercenary antics' is brilliant.