MIL is driving me to insanity

[WakeCake]

My MIL is generally fine, I’ve known her over 20 years and she lives 100+ miles away so I don’t have to see her very often. I expect we wouldn’t be any closer if we lived nearby but we’ve always got on well enough.

BUT she really hangs onto stuff and the latest obsession is driving me to insanity.

She is now phoning every day to bring up something I did that has massively insulted her.

Last Autumn she came up to our town to stay the weekend for our child’s birthday party. She stayed in a hotel because at the time we were renovating, this is NOT the issue.

She arrived at lunch time Saturday (party on the Sunday) and went for lunch with my husband and our child whilst I was getting my hair done.
I drove into the town centre and parked up, paid for my ticket and went to meet them.
Shortly after I arrived we nipped into M&S so MIL could pick up some snacks (she did also come to our house for dinner in the evening) for her hotel room and we could get some last minute party bits.

MIL got a validation ticket for parking (min spend of £5 required). She came over and presented it to me. I told her I had already paid and she was visibly disappointed I couldn’t use the validated ticket she had presented me with. I said thank you, I was grateful but it wasn’t needed.

Since then she has brought this up about once a week and now she’s bringing it up daily.
Am I missing something because I’m starting to lose my mind!
Today alone she has phoned twice and followed up via text about how I’m rude to have bought a ticket.

I know people will ask, no signs of dementia.

Not sure I would be engaging her at all until she stfu... Your dh needs to be telling her so. She didn't pay for the ticket. You did. Absolutely of no relevance to her purse!
Next visit be washing your hair..

Don't answer the phone.

I think I’d stop engaging with her until she lets it go

Very odd behaviour. Have you asked her why she considers it rude that you had already bought a ticket?

This is bonkers

Omg this would drive me to insanity too. I’ve never heard of such obsessively petty behaviour! I would assume something is wrong with her - some other kind of mental confusion if not dementia, depression/anxiety, or there’s a much bigger underlying reason that she doesn’t like you and is using any excuse to criticise you because she doesn’t feel able to talk about why she really doesn’t like you

Honestly? Can you be direct and say something like “Do you know that you have contacted me 11/15/state exact number times about my having paid for parking back in October? It cost £6/7/8 and is not enough money for you to keep bringing it up. Please stop mentioning this to me, I can’t see why it is so important to you”.

Couple of things - it is really important that you are accurate about how many times she has contacted you and how much you paid at the time or she will think you are in the wrong or exaggerating.

It is also really important that you say this in a matter of fact, unemotional way. Pretend to be an English speaking Dutch / German / Swedish person.

Tell her if she mentions it again you will block her number. You have no obligation to be in contact with your MIL. Block and let your husband deal.

How are you responding to her currently when she brings it up?

Actually this screams the start of dementia sadly.

Also - she doesn’t have to have dementia to be a bit unstable. Mentioning this over and over is extremely weird.

Point out that she has spent more on her phone bill ringing!

This is the sign of dementia. Weekly discussions of the same thing since Autumn and now more than once daily. I would take this as a clear sign of cognitive issues.

No sign of dementia - THIS might be the sign of dementia.

Same, this is a very possible sign, it's not just being a bit forgetful. Excessive rigidity in thought and slight changes or exaggeration of personality traits are common very early signs. Not sure that helps you deal with the practicalities of her frequently contacting you about this! Has any family local to get noticed anything?

Agree with others about dementia- my dad’s first sign was fixating on things. I’ll never forget a shopping trip during which the need to buy Camembert was mentioned, genuinely, about 20 times. Including during and after the buying of it.

That's what I'd do. Absolutely nuts!

My lovely neighbours down the street are very tidy, sweeping-up people, with spotless pavements and a well-mown nature strip. One day I passed them sweeping up and the husband was decidedly querulous and utterly mystified as to why gum nuts from the nature strip tree kept dropping on the pavement.
It wasn't the "ha ha I'll be sweeping up more tomorrow", it was deep irritation and puzzlement as to why. It was not like him at all, and of course it didn't really make sense as they'd lived there for 30+ years, as had the eucalypt.

A few months later he was diagnosed with dementia and in retrospect I could see that this new aspect of him was an early sign.

No.sogns of dementia except this massive one!
Fixation on something frivolous is a huge flag. Also, if you don't see her very often I'm not sure how you'd know if there were signs of dementia? It can creep up and go unnoticed if you aren't seeing someone pretty regularly.

How are you rude to have paid for your parking when you parked?

Put her on mute and forward her texts to your husband.
I wouldn't be responding.
If its not dementia and just her annoying way, I would find that extremely irritating.
Stop entertaining her.

The next time she mentions it, try offering a heartfelt apology. Say you're very, very sorry that you did that. It was very kind of her to offer you the ticket and ride of you not to accept. You promise you won't do it again.

Offering a heartfelt apology stops my relative's fixation in its tracks. That's how to deal with dementia. And this is a big red flag for dementia.

I agree!

And with dementia, you'll never be able to reason with them or get them to understand your point of view. They simply cannot compute.

The least stressful way if dealing with it by entering their world and agreeing with them.

You'll never be able to get her to believe that you're right and she's wrong. She just won't understand as her brain doesn't work in the same way anymore. Eventually, it'll be like trying to reason with a two year old in an adult's body.