MIL is driving me to insanity

[WakeCake]

My MIL is generally fine, I’ve known her over 20 years and she lives 100+ miles away so I don’t have to see her very often. I expect we wouldn’t be any closer if we lived nearby but we’ve always got on well enough.

BUT she really hangs onto stuff and the latest obsession is driving me to insanity.

She is now phoning every day to bring up something I did that has massively insulted her.

Last Autumn she came up to our town to stay the weekend for our child’s birthday party. She stayed in a hotel because at the time we were renovating, this is NOT the issue.

She arrived at lunch time Saturday (party on the Sunday) and went for lunch with my husband and our child whilst I was getting my hair done.
I drove into the town centre and parked up, paid for my ticket and went to meet them.
Shortly after I arrived we nipped into M&S so MIL could pick up some snacks (she did also come to our house for dinner in the evening) for her hotel room and we could get some last minute party bits.

MIL got a validation ticket for parking (min spend of £5 required). She came over and presented it to me. I told her I had already paid and she was visibly disappointed I couldn’t use the validated ticket she had presented me with. I said thank you, I was grateful but it wasn’t needed.

Since then she has brought this up about once a week and now she’s bringing it up daily.
Am I missing something because I’m starting to lose my mind!
Today alone she has phoned twice and followed up via text about how I’m rude to have bought a ticket.

I know people will ask, no signs of dementia.

This isn't normal behaviour at all - sounds like their is something going on cognitively for her to be behaving like this.

If this is new behaviour then I would be worried. If you don’t see her often you might not see other concerning behaviour

Just ask her to be direct about what it is about this that she can’t move on from? Sounds as if she doesn’t have enough to keep her occupied. When my mil started this sort of nonsense I stepped away and let DH deal with her - he’s less tolerant now they don’t have me as a buffer!

This is nuts.
When you say she sends a text to say how rude it was, what's she actually saying? I can't even imagine how that message would read?!

You say there are no signs of dementia, but this IS a sign of dementia. There always has to be a first sign, doesn't there?

It's bonkers to start banging on about something so inconsequential several months after it happened. The onset of dementia is the only explanation that makes any sense.

A few people have said that this may be a sign of dementia. This is possible but it is not the only cause. In fairness to the OP, she has said not.

I have known people with bipolar disorder and could well imagine them acting like this.

If it is a psychiatric disorder then it is up to the husband to handle. Realistically, the MIL is not going to think anything is wrong.

BUT the OP has said that the MIL has brought this up weekly since it happened - and now is bringing it up daily. This also sounds like someone who is unsatisfied with the response and just won’t let it go. It may be irrational and unreasonable but it doesn’t necessarily mean that the MIL has a psychiatric disorder.

We are told that the OP has known her MIL for 20 years. There is a good chance that the MIL is still of working age rather than being very elderly.

The reason I don’t think it is dementia is because she’s been obsessive like this for about 20 years! She has previously had one which she got me involved in (I cut that down pretty quickly) but usually she aims her fixations towards her children.

I might not see her regularly but my SIL lives on the same road and is a doctor and says, it’s normal for her.
I do appreciate the concern though.

Experiencing this at this level is certainly new for me.

This evening I’ve told her I won’t be talking about this matter further and I’ll hang up every time she brings it up.

Has she always been obsessive in quite this sort of way, i.e. making complaints that don't even make sense, like suggesting you should have somehow seen into the future and known she'd be able to validate your parking? Or is it getting more irrational, on top of the obsessiveness?

If so, seconding the people who think this could be the start of dementia. Sometimes early dementia takes the form of things that have always been aspects of the person's personality just kind of getting worse and more unrestrained - like, they always had the rational part of their brain that made them put the brakes on their natural tendencies, at least in some situations - they know when they can get away with something and when they can't, which people it's safe to act a certain way with, who'll put up with it and who won't. But then dementia starts and they lose the ability to rein it in. If she didn't use to direct this stuff at you much and now she is. . . it's a change.

“It is also really important that you say this in a matter of fact, unemotional way. Pretend to be an English speaking Dutch / German / Swedish person.”

This is possibly going to change my life. Absolutely genius. 😂

Yes, if you are not a naturally assertive person (I’m not) then this really helps.

Is it about money in an obsessive way? I know someone pretty well off who will bend herself into a pretzel in order to get something for free. You missed out on free parking and it’s wound her up? (I may have te story wrong about the ticket…)

Have a fixed reply, the same every time

'Oh dear mil, yes it was such a shame I paid before realising you had a ticket'

But surely there’s no need to answer the phone to her in the first place? I’m quite fond of my MIL, but I could probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she’s phoned me in 30 years!

Weird obsessions about random crap were an early sign of vascular dementia for my MIL but only in hindsight. The more recognisable signs came 2 years later.

Don't answer the phone if she's driving you nuts. Limit to once a day or once a week etc.