13-Month Old Shows No Attachment to Parents - Is This Normal?

[Lilly212]

Hello everyone,
Our child is 13 months old, and we’ve noticed something that concerns us. When his father comes home from work, sometimes he gets excited to see him, but most of the time he just passes by without paying much attention. In general, he doesn’t cry for either his mother or father. He doesn’t seem to show attachment to us.
When it comes to strangers, it depends — sometimes he may cry if an unfamiliar person picks him up, but more often he doesn’t.
Overall, he has good eye contact, responds to his name, actively seeks our attention, and plays with us. He constantly shows us his toys, hands them to us, points to things he wants, etc. However, he simply doesn’t show any clear attachment toward us.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this normal at this age, or should we be concerned?
Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

I would say no not normal. At that age my three were pressed up against me all night long snuggling and breastfeeding. They couldn’t sleep without me. Yes they loved daddy but I was clearly number one. I did a lot of babywearing also which helps with bonding, they nap on your chest and are always touching you. I would discuss your concerns with GP & Health visitor (if you’re in the UK )

My siblings child was the same and diagnosed autistic age 3. Although mine was the opposite and also diagnosed autistic at an older age so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

I would be concerned, sorry. Babies this age are normally super attached to their parents and very wary of strangers.

Not sure there is anything you can do about it though. My DS had many signs that pointed towards autism and they didn’t refer until he was 2 and a half as babies do vary so much! So I’d just watch and wait and keep it mind.

Do you ever leave them? My DS wasn't bothered about his dad coming and going but when I went back to work and he started nursery he would cry when I left him.

I’m not sure it’s typical behaviour. My DS is 11 months and can’t properly crawl but will pull himself to the front door quick as a rat up a drain pipe when he hears my partner is home and will point and coo to be lifted up.

I think, as with all things in babies, there is a lot of variation

Our daughter is 17mths now and is definitely upset to see me or my husband leave and excited on our return, but this wasn't the case until about 2mths ago (15mths) and I was similarly concerned

My two weren’t clingy babies and very independent- could play for a long time without needing attention and didn’t really come for cuddles unless hurt or poorly. They are older now and pretty ‘normal’ well adjusted kids, we do get some cuddles off them now and then!

I understand why you’d be concerned. What does he do if he gets hurt? How does he behave when upset?

Have you shown him what attachment looks like OP? Do you make a big fuss when his father walks in the door, does his father make a fuss of him?

Does he seek comfort from the two of you when he is upset?

I think it’s something to keep an eye on but it’s too soon to draw conclusions. My son is almost two years old and he’s still learning how to express affection. I find that if I repeatedly do the same things eg I look excited and smile and say hello when I see him, then it takes time but eventually he starts to mirror it back. Expressing affection is something that is learnt rather than innate for children.

My DD’s were both very clingy to me but not bothered by their dad particularly, one is autistic, one is not. I’m not sure there’s much you can do read into it so young

We have also visited several neurologists and pediatricians (we’re not from the UK, and here it’s something people can afford). All of them confidently rule out autism. According to a psychologist, he’s not even considered to be in a risk group.
The issue is that we notice certain “odd” things, and I’m not sure whether an outside professional can really pick up on them. He is very reactive and curious, and quite observant — he carefully examines a person from head to toe. The ASQ showed that his strongest area is actually “social.”
But paradoxically, he shows no attachment to us… :( He recognizes us from a distance — just like he does his grandmother and grandfather — but nothing more. (Of course, there have been occasions when he reacted with excitement and happiness, but those are rare.)
He waves goodbye on his own, even without being prompted (for example, when I’m getting dressed to leave for work). Quite often he wants me to pick him up so he can look at things (he loves pointing, and I have to carry him to whatever he’s pointing at). We recently taught him to squeeze his fingers together when he wants something.
Despite all this, there are still some unusual things :( that just don’t give us peace of mind…

To me he just sounds like a relaxed, chilled baby. He makes appropriate eye contact, is curious, you don't report repetitive behaviours and he has been assessed by experts. You know your child best though, and if you are still noticing unusual things then I would go with your instincts. It might just be his personality.I think there is a trend to pathologize quirky behaviour. We are all different and he is still so young. Enjoy him.

Does he come to you for comfort when he hurts himself?
Does he need your presence or contact to help him fall asleep?
Does he immediately come over to you to talk / play / reconnect in any way after a separation?

Why do you keep dragging him to clinicians? Does he have a medical issue?

Is there any reason in his early development why he wouldn’t have formed secure attachment?

I wouldn’t worry too much about it just now just on its own but equally at 13 months old what you’ve been told about autism sounds absolute bullshit.

And how does he react if he is left? Circumstances you are describing where dad comes in, people pick him up - you are still there. If you ever leave him, what happens then do you know?

I don’t think lots of people saying their babies snuggle them is going to help you.

You’re doing the right thing by keeping an eye on it. It’s too early for anyone to make an assessment.

All you can do for now is keep giving him lots of love and affection.

So even if baby doesn’t show much of a reaction to your partner coming home, your partner should react and scoop him up and give him affection.

Did you have issues forming attachment did you stuggle with ppd. Did you sleep train. Does he go to you when he is upset or hurt. What to you think he should be doing that he isnt. 13 months he should be making strange but might not be super giddy when he sees you. What age was he when you rtw

No it's not normal at all. But he's only 13 months nothing can be assessed or ruled out.

But when you say no attachment OP I feel like you’re being very single focused - what happens when he needs comfort? When he wakes at night or when he cried as a baby? Did rocking/cuddling comfort him? If not how did he calm down? Does he play with you? Come to you to express his needs? Smile at you? Babies show connection in many different ways

I feel like maybe your expectations are just a bit off, there’s a wide range of normal. I remember I was always a bit bummed that my daughter wasn’t affectionate at all at that age, but now she’s 3 and totally different.

I wouldn't trust any professional, who says they can "confidently rule out autism" at only 13 months.

Does he spent the majority of his time with you? Or in child care?

I'm sorry but you can't confidently rule out Autism at 13 months. All 3 of my Autistic children were meeting milestones at that age like social smiles, pointing, clapping, shared attention. So of course you can say it's too early to tell but you can't confidently rule it out for any child at that point.

If you turn back time, what are the distinctive features? What do they have in common?

Yes, he spends most of his time with me, and in general he likes having me around him.

In general, he calms down quickly when I pick him up. He likes to cuddle only when he’s sleepy; otherwise, he starts looking around and pointing at what he wants (but he still settles down). There are definitely moments when he bursts into tears and immediately starts crawling toward me.