13-Month Old Shows No Attachment to Parents - Is This Normal?

[Lilly212]

Hello everyone,
Our child is 13 months old, and we’ve noticed something that concerns us. When his father comes home from work, sometimes he gets excited to see him, but most of the time he just passes by without paying much attention. In general, he doesn’t cry for either his mother or father. He doesn’t seem to show attachment to us.
When it comes to strangers, it depends — sometimes he may cry if an unfamiliar person picks him up, but more often he doesn’t.
Overall, he has good eye contact, responds to his name, actively seeks our attention, and plays with us. He constantly shows us his toys, hands them to us, points to things he wants, etc. However, he simply doesn’t show any clear attachment toward us.
Has anyone experienced something similar? Is this normal at this age, or should we be concerned?
Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

Sounds like a fairly normal baby.

Why have you taken him to paediatricians and neurologists?

It's fairly normal for a first time parent to be anxious, but do you think you may be more anxious than others?

Who looks after him when you go to work?

Both my kids have got excited to see us, but couldn’t care less out in public, they’d happily pull themselves up to stand on others, either other mum friends we were with or complete strangers

My first was like that. Our nursery insisted on this elaborate settling in process and she just wasn't bothered if I was there or not. She never went through a stranger danger phase until 2.

Now at almost 3 she is very attached to us.

I don't think I would worry too much just yet, they're all different and they go through different phases.

At 13 months they all showed some sensory processing issues, DD1 with clothes and the other two with sounds and sensory seeking. By 2 or 3 there was some hand flapping or other movements when excited. Some eye contact from all of them but not a neurotypical amount. Possibly unusual speech development. DS used to line up cars and didn't really speak to strangers. We had a difficult time toilet training him and a really difficult time getting him settled at preschool. My other two were quite confident and diagnosed quite late as a result (secondary school).

this sounds like he has a clear attachment to you, no?

I have three DC, two of them were cuddly and clingy as babies and one was not. He's now a 20 year old man and has always been more independent and less cuddly than the other two - it's just his personality. He is not autistic.

I don't see any concerns personally, and I think it's very over the top you've dragged the poor baby round all those doctors. You can't rule out autism at 13 months. It sounds like he has a secure attachment, that he knows you are there. Some kids just aren't clingy and cuddly. I'd be far more concerned about your own anxiety and obsession around his behaviour.

he has good eye contact, responds to his name, actively seeks our attention, and plays with us. He constantly shows us his toys, hands them to us,

Are these the ways he shows his attachment? You are clearly the people he expects to be interested in him and his toys. That says something to me.

you sound very concerned about this but tbh there’s a massive range in how children of this age present. My children weren’t massively clingy, they slept in their own cots (moved them out of our room at 12 months) they were still bf until much older but didn’t need to physically be attached to us as parents all the time. I was back at work when they were still babies so I don’t know if that made a difference. No attachment issues and as adults they have great, close relationships with dh and me and with others. Some babies are more relaxed and don’t necessarily respond in a fixed way to strangers or new situations.
Remember, a secure attachment isn’t a child physically wanting to be with you all the time, it’s a child who is comfortable in a range of situations precisely because they have a secure bond with the key people in their life

You sound really worried and dragging him to a lot of clinicians. Honestly if I were you I’d dial it back and just enjoy him. He sounds like a chilled happy baby. He may or may not have something and it’s always worth keeping an eye on him but at the moment it doesn’t sound concerning at all, it’s maybe just personality. Just try to enjoy him and if something is there (and every chance there is nothing) it will show up in time.

I understand that’s easier said than not but what he needs most is a mother who’s engaging with him (which I’m sure you are).

Does he show preference for you/his dad over other people. For example if a friend or family member comes to visit would he mind being left with them when you leave the room? How does he sleep?

My siblings child was almost indifferent to who looked after him. Even as a young baby didn't seem to be particularly interested in people e.g. no eye gaze following them around the room. Didn't really notice people coming and going until taught to wave.

He sounds fine to me op, I’ve been a nanny for over 15 years and they vary such a lot at that age. The fact that the social skills are strong is great, but I feel you’re confusing what a secure attachment is with crying when left, and some of them just aren’t really like that at that age. It’s always good to be aware of milestones and markers but try not to get too caught up in it all.

I think op you might be noticing subtle things and he attachment thing you mention definitely sounds unusual. My dc are both autistic but neither did what you are describing of your dc.

I would buy the Hannah book it takes two to talk which is an early intervention book for autistic toddlers/preschoolers and take a similar approach to that. I am sure you do lots of playing and floor time with him and that is of course very important for them.

Is his carer good while you are working? Does she spend time interacting 1:1 at his level (floor time) and doing activities?

I would look at the MCHAT checklist as well and keep that list in mind for when he is old enough. We were told by a few clinicians that they had no developmental concerns for our two dc but ultimately they are both clearly autistic and have been dx.

He sounds like a normal 13 month old to me. If he didn’t engage with you at all then I’d be concerned but he sounds curious and interested in his surroundings. By all means keep an eye on it but I wouldn’t be worried about him right now.

My daughter was like this at this age and I remember being concerned. She's 4.5 now and I'm pretty sure it's just her personality. She doesn't really enjoy physical affection unless on her terms and can appear 'standoffish' even to family members she knows well. She does love me, her Dad and her brother, she just expresses it in different ways. She is more physically affectionate now that she was when she was 1 or 2 but to her, comfortable affection is playing with her, singing together, making a cake, sharing food... I'm not sure if that's considered 'normal' or not but she's a happy child and is developing just fine.

DD was not a clingy baby. She started nursery 5 days a week 8-6 at nearly a year old. She never cried when we left her and starting school didn’t bother her either. My friends had very cuddly children, but it’s only now that my daughter is 9 that she wants cuddles from me (and only when she can’t be seen by others). I don’t have any concerns about her, she just likes to be independent

My DD was never obsessed with me in the way I'd seen some of my friends babies be with their mums. I fretted over it a little bit, thinking there was something wrong or I wasn't parenting well enough, but honestly I look back and I can see she was just a content, secure baby. Sometimes secure attachment can manifest itself almost like indifference because they know you'll always be there, always come back etc and just your presence is a comfort even if you aren't holding them. Even know at 4 I don't get the whole running to the door to hug me when I get home from work thing, just a rather indifferent 'Hi Mummy' and back to whatever she was doing.

My friend has 3 children and the elder 2 were like my daughter whereas her youngest was completely obsessed with her to the point that if they were in the same room she had to be holding her/sitting her on her knee, dad and other family couldn't settle her etc. All 3 were parented the same way just showed attachment differently. All 3 are older now and happy healthy kids!

He sounds like he's immediately soothed by you picking him up and his happy to go back to being his curious self again? And he's showing joint attention with the pointing, engaging you in his play - these are definite green flags. It's too early to call autism or rule it out, but you know your child and if you think there are signs then definitely keep an eye out but I'm not sure I'd be too worried yet based on what you've said so far.

I wouldn't trust any expert that can 'confidently rule out autism' at 13 months old. That's impossible.

But that doesn't mean that your child is necessarily autistic... just that it's too early to discount the possibility completely.

When you say they show no attachment, what does that look like to you?

As long as they were hitting their milestones, a lack of separation anxiety wouldn't overly concern me, neither would being generally confident around strangers.

But if they never sought comfort from you (e.g. if they never reach for you when hurt or upset) or show very little interest in interacting with you, that's something I'd keep an eye on.

attachment is unrelated to autism

your baby sounds normal and like he is doing just fine.

you don't need to worry about this or keep taking him to see doctors.

Just let him grow and develop and things will be OK.

My DGS showed no signs of autism at your DS's age. The first clue was when he started walking and it was on tip toes. He then wouldn't answer to his name and as he had glue ear we assumed he couldn't hear us, but once he'd had surgery and was still the same, it was a red flag. He is severely autistic, went to a special school and now unable to ever work as he is unemployable. Your DS is too young for any diagnosis. DGS was two and a half when he was given a firm diagnosis.

I wonder whether it’s just because he’s happy and content and always in a stable environment, so a need for him to be clingy just doesn’t arise. He does seem to show some attachment to you by wanting to be picked up and going to you when he’s upset. But generally everything in his world is ok to him so he’s just happy to bumble along. I wouldn’t worry too much at the moment but just keep observing him.

Everything you describe sounds perfectly normal to me. He’s a baby, not a 30 year old. You need to have developmentally appropriate expectations for him. He won’t be responding to you like an adult would. If you’ve already seen so many specialists at only 13 months old, I think this indicates the issue is more a matter of health anxiety. Can you get yourself to the doctor for some support?

This is my thoughts too. He sounds similar to
my daughter. She didn’t cry when I left her, but she was always happy to see me. She had a secure attachment- it means they are comfortable to be left knowing you will come back for them.

I spent most of my time with my daughter, and she barely turned her head when her dad came home - only showing an interest in him when she turned 2.

She’s 9 now and still very much prefers me. We are still close but she’s always been content to be away from me too - never cried going into school, or when she started preschool (late, at 3.5 years). She knows I’ll be back to get her - this is what makes a secure attachment.

Hopefully your boy is the same. It makes life a lot easier!