to not want to do it in the middle of the day

[SilkieChick]

I'm super-busy at the moment, juggling a few different projects and deadlines and I wfh. DH often comes home from work quite early in the afternoon, as he has done today and has just suggested sex while the house is empty (we have 2 teenage DDs).

Ok, look I know we don't do it often these days, and there are very few opportunities when the kids aren't at home, but a Thursday afternoon at 3 o'clock when I'm up to my eyes trying to meet important deadlines is not it. AIBU?

There's just no chance I can switch work brain off and sexy brain on like that. I need a run up to DTD these days 🙄

It's annoyed me, and I don't know if I'm more annoyed at him for not reading the room, or more annoyed at myself for my crappy libido and not being the sort of person who can have a carefree quickie in the middle of the day.

If i'm wfh, i'm still working. YANBU

For me, Its a combination of his lack of respect of your work, your time, your responsibilities, your ongoing stresses - combined with what you said.

It's a suggestion not a demand so if you can't/don't want to, don't.
He's not unreasonable for suggesting and you're not unreasonable for saying no.
Personally I would jump at the chance!

It’s not great that he’s not understanding the pressure you are under and that this might be a factor in your tanking libido.

but an afternoon in bed is one of life’s joys! And if you don’t like DTD while the kids at home it sounds like a decent suggestion. I’d rather have a couple of hours ‘off’ in the afternoon and work late!

He’s not unreasonable for suggesting particularly if one of your reasons for a lack is due to teens around in the evening and being tired. So from that perspective it seems like a logical answer.

In most wfh jobs your schedule is more flexible and you could take a later lunch once a week.

YANBU. BUT is your work really that important 🤭😉 can you take a late "lunch" break?

People on their death beds regret working too much, soooo

An afternoon quickie could be a great stress reliever for some people. Nothing wrong with him suggesting it.

He’s not being U for suggesting, and you’re not being v U for saying no… but I’d go for it. Can the deadlines wait?

I like the analogy of having a gas pedal and a brake. The gas pedal is things that turn us on, the gas pedal the opposite. some of us have a more sensitive brake pedal so it doesn’t matter if your husband comes home looking like a god and treating you like a goddess - if you’re not in the mood, busy with work, feeling pressurised by his expectation of sex then it’s no wonder you don’t want to do it. Come as you are by Emily Nagoski is a great book but to summarise -there’s nothing wrong with you!

YANBU, but to me it's due to the fact he obviously doesn't respect your work (because you work from home)? He wouldn't go into your office and demand sex in the middle of your working day would he?

I hate being interrupted when I'm working from home and have a deadline. When you are in the flow of work you don't want to be disturbed. WFH doesn't equate to no work to do!

Dp snuggled up to me Saturday morning and suggested sex as we had the house to ourselves. My answer was no thanks, he said why, and I said just because I don't feel like it.

Like you op days of a quickie and turning myself from zero to horny have gone!

Ugh, I hate how complicated it is to have a sex life in midlife. Why can't it just be fun and easy! @Dryshampoofordays I have read that book - it's really good and definitely helped me understand myself better. Unfortunately around the time I began embracing that side of myself in a healthier way, peri kicked in and stole my libido 😭 So any remnants of spontaneous desire I had have gone poof - along with natural vaginal moisture 🫠

I do know that neither of us is BU really, but I do wish DH could be a bit more observant of when I've quite obviously got my head down working and appreciate that I need to unwind a bit before we get busy.

Message received though and I do get what PPs are saying - life is short, work is not the most important thing, and sex does help keep the lights on in our relationship. I'm finished for today at last - maybe I'll have a couple of glasses of wine later while we watch the Apprentice and then he might find himself in luck after all...

Totally agree with this

All I'm saying is that nobody, when lamenting their life's regrets on their death bed, ever says: 'You know, I really wish I'd worked more and had less sex.'

People on their death beds first and foremost regret pandering to others and not putting themselves first.
My husband wouldn't even think about a "fun afternoon", if I'm busy, and we are child free.
It would be a big problem for me, fortunately, very different circumstances here.

It’s one of the major perks of DH WFH IMO no teens around and I’m not tired like I am in the evenings/early mornings.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong in him suggesting it, but of course there’s nothing wrong in you not feeling the same way.

Yanbu for not wanting to but yabu for being annoyed at the suggestion

Ugh, I hate how complicated it is to have a sex life in midlife. Why can't it just be fun and easy!

To be fair, that's what it sounds like your husband is trying to do - make things fun and easy and take advantage of the moment. You dont want to, and thats fine, but what are you doing to try and inject some fun?

If my son weren’t on a part time timetable at school and therefore home at lunchtime, I’d love a few ‘lunch of champions’ when WFH to misquote James Hunt. Not when I have deadlines, but generally. Apparently scheduling sexy time, even though it doesn’t sound romantic, can actually work.

“Ugh, I hate how complicated it is to have a sex life un midlife. Why can’t it just be fun and easy!”

If you think about when it was fun and easy did you put so many rules and constraints on it? That in itself will be part of the problem!

Him not even thinking about it isn’t the flex you think it is 😂

Just for the record I DO wish I was having more sex. I want to be someone who craves it and is properly in touch with their sexuality and their desires and is experimenting with toys and positions and quickies and slowies and all sorts! But at the moment it’s not even happening in my fantasy life and it’s like the stars have to align right now for it to happen.

My hormones need to be relatively balanced, I need to feel relaxed and not stressed by work/life/anything, my brain needs to stop whirling at 100mph and overthinking the whole thing, I prefer to have a glass of wine but too many and I’m too sleepy, my vagina needs to play ball - not dry/sore, DH needs to not be acting like an arse, or chewing too loud or too distant - but not too eager either… the list goes on… I can’t be the only one like this at this age?? (48)

And also worth saying I’m not a workaholic, this is just a busy spell - plus I enjoy the work that I do - and I want to keep doing it, which means not pissing off an editor by telling them I couldn’t meet their deadline because I was shagging all afternoon!

Well, he is, because she's working. He wouldn't walk into her office and demand a quicky so why it it okay when she's working from home?

I get it OP.

Er, because if you’re WFH you may have more scope for a quickie than if you’re working in the office!!

my h and I had sex this morning when I was WFH.. I was able to catch up work afterwards 🤷🏼‍♀️

Everything you have described is me too OP, you are far from alone.

I used to be rampant and now I'm a similar age to you, my body has switched off completely, my brain never had a single sexy thought and whilst I feel bad that my DH hasnt likely changed a bit, I have, and I simply cannot help that.

So like millions of women before me, I just force myself to do it sometimes but it's getting less enjoyable every time and that breaks my heart.