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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS dating 20 year age gap

42 replies

Takeachanceagainsttheodds · 26/02/2026 00:44

Weird one for me…. DS started dating an older woman a few months ago by 20 years - he’s mid twenties. Now I’ve been totally accepting/ taken in my stride as I was with his dad (married) 20 years before he passed 15 years ago and we also had an age gap. I was in my 20s he was in his 40s when we got together so I said to DS well I can’t judge I’ve no leg to stand on! Yes she’s nice, friendly etc….but I do still feel a bit weird about it. Maybe it’s because I know there will never be a future involving grandkids due to her age but also as she’s only 7 years younger than me I know what a bitch peri menopause can be and I don’t want him going through that at home as well as when he’s at hers!
I’ve a feeling it’s a bit of infatuation and will fizzle out eventually so am I best to keep on being quiet as I have done so far and let things take their course? On the other hand would love to point out potential pitfalls before he falls too deep but I don’t want to be ‘that’ mum …. AIBU just to let him live his life and not get involved?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 26/02/2026 00:51

I would stay uninvolved. I would however make sure that in conversations I’d bring up things we had in common, due to being the same age. And make sure I talked a lot about pensions and life insurance.

user1492757084 · 26/02/2026 00:53

Talk about contraception too.

Endofyear · 26/02/2026 08:05

user1492757084 · 26/02/2026 00:53

Talk about contraception too.

Really? He's mid-twenties not a teenager!

KimberleyClark · 26/02/2026 08:20

I get your discomfiture, I’d be wondering what the hell a woman in her mid 40s wants with a man in his mid twenties. But as you say,you had a similar age gap, at a similar stage in life to him and his GF, and there is not much you can say without coming across as a hypocritical. There is little you can do other than keep lines of communication open and hope it runs its course.

MyLimeGuide · 26/02/2026 08:23

How awful for you. Im sure it wont last dont worry try to remove yourself emotionally from the situation xx

Twodogsisbetterthanone · 26/02/2026 08:27

Not much you can do. My ex h had a fit when our daughter met a man ten years older. Was calling him predatory etc. until I kindly pointed out that I’d met him when I was 19 and he was ten years older. That was ‘different’, apparently 😂

Owly11 · 26/02/2026 08:36

When you were mid twenties would you have listened to your mum about your bf/gf? It's a hard situation for you especially if it does last and your son loses the possibility of having children. I really feel for you. But it's no different from if your child decided not to have children- very hard for you but nothing you can do. It's a false idea that there's something you could say that would change the outcome. On the other hand if you feel better saying something then I would just say it once and then leave it - and make sure to say it from his perspective eg ds might lose the possibility of having kids not that you will be upset to not have grandkids.

CharlotteRumpling · 26/02/2026 08:42

I would hate this. And not because of grandkids. I think this woman is weird and the power imbalance wonky.

Luckily DS, 22, thinks anyone above 40 is Methuselah!

Starfeesh · 26/02/2026 08:47

Gross. For you too!

Like PP said, I’d be bringing up how much you had in common with her, music and films and the like. Ask about her friends’ kids and niblings. Talk about the 90s and 00s. Simultaneously encourage DS to spend time with his mates and friends of the same age.

thanks2 · 26/02/2026 09:10

you raise this and you'll just push him towards her.
and if they end up long-term your relationship with her is done she won't forget it.
he's mid 20s he'll know the pitfalls.

Dollymylove · 26/02/2026 09:42

Here come the MN pearl clutchers.
Hes a grown adult and in a consensual relationship which may or may not last.
It seems according to MN that any relationship with an age gap of more than 6 months is verging on paedophilia 😉

MyLimeGuide · 26/02/2026 10:06

Dollymylove · 26/02/2026 09:42

Here come the MN pearl clutchers.
Hes a grown adult and in a consensual relationship which may or may not last.
It seems according to MN that any relationship with an age gap of more than 6 months is verging on paedophilia 😉

Are you on the right thread? No one has said that!!!

BauhausOfEliott · 26/02/2026 10:19

You can feel as weird as you want, but ultimately it’s none of your business and you aren’t going to change his mind. Chances are the relationship will fizzle out anyway.

JHound · 26/02/2026 10:37

I would find it weird but then I would never marry a man 20 years older.

I think you are right you don’t have much of a leg to stand on. I cannot fathom what a mid 40s individual finds in common with a mid 20s

JHound · 26/02/2026 10:40

But the reality is many many many people do not stay long term with the person they met mid 20s I HAVE had age gap relationships before and all 3 times the age gap killed it.

JHound · 26/02/2026 10:40

Twodogsisbetterthanone · 26/02/2026 08:27

Not much you can do. My ex h had a fit when our daughter met a man ten years older. Was calling him predatory etc. until I kindly pointed out that I’d met him when I was 19 and he was ten years older. That was ‘different’, apparently 😂

You should let your husband know this man is just as “predatory” as he was!

JHound · 26/02/2026 10:41

Dollymylove · 26/02/2026 09:42

Here come the MN pearl clutchers.
Hes a grown adult and in a consensual relationship which may or may not last.
It seems according to MN that any relationship with an age gap of more than 6 months is verging on paedophilia 😉

Maybe read the comments?

sharkstale · 26/02/2026 11:04

Starfeesh · 26/02/2026 08:47

Gross. For you too!

Like PP said, I’d be bringing up how much you had in common with her, music and films and the like. Ask about her friends’ kids and niblings. Talk about the 90s and 00s. Simultaneously encourage DS to spend time with his mates and friends of the same age.

This 😂 I actually love this idea. Give him the ick by making him see for himself how old she is

Original poster
Takeachanceagainsttheodds · 26/02/2026 12:12

Thank for your responses, I’m not and never have been an interfering parent it’s their life to live and not mine so I’ve not said anything at all. They have a hobby in common which is how they met, she doesn’t live nearby so they alternate travel to see each other every month. This means he does still see his own friends but he’s not introduced her to them or even told them about their relationship. They know of her but just as a hobbies friend. Well I guess Joan Collins has been very happily married to Percy for many years now! I might drop a comment in about what age she plans to retire though 😁

OP posts:
Fezzanan · 26/02/2026 12:34

Endofyear · 26/02/2026 08:05

Really? He's mid-twenties not a teenager!

Show quote history

Yes that's just weird 😅

TheFilliesWillRiseAgain · 26/02/2026 12:39

There is something tragic about a woman in her 40s going out with a man in his 20s.. least it's unlikely to last

Miranda65 · 26/02/2026 12:41

He is an adult, OP, so you absolutely don't say anything. You make any partner he has feel welcome in your home.

As a grown up, he is perfectly capable of navigating any issues there may be. Perhaps this woman is destined to be the perfect wife for him?
And this "no grandchildren" thing is a red herring, because you have no way of knowing whether any younger partner would want/be able to have children.

Fairlydust · 26/02/2026 12:46

In my twenties I met someone ten years older. I look back and cringe. If I’d been told not to do it I would probably have carried on longer. I think he will learn op. As will she they can’t have much in common. But sometimes big age gaps do work. I would offer small snippets of conversation if he was my son just to keep talking and make him think it through!

Whatnameisif · 26/02/2026 12:58

I would feel weird about this, which is hypocritical of me because my family is full of unusual age gap relationships. And I also have many friends 20 years younger than me and I have plenty in common with them.

I'd be keeping quiet but secretly hoping it fizzled out.

Crushed23 · 26/02/2026 13:28

Absolutely bonkers comments as usual on threads like this. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a mid-40s woman and a twentysomething man dating. It happens all the time. Sienna Miller and her boyfriend aren’t “gross”, they’re a couple who are clearly very into each other despite the age gap.