Can I have another child?

[BlubberingBlue]

I have two DC age 13 and 9 and I really long for another child. I am 38 years old, so time is pressing.

I am working in a new field which has given me a small pay rise and some progression opportunities. DH is in the armed forces. We have £30,000 in savings and around £6,000 debt for a car loan. We live in military housing and don’t own our own home. DH is 37.

Would we be crazy to have another child?

If you are in agreement, do it! You seem financially secure so why not?

If you and DH want one nothing else matters ..

What happens after you leave the army? Where do you plan to live, or will you be in army accommodation forever?

Do you plan to continue to work once you’ve had the baby? Can you afford to live on one salary going forward?

Not mad but I think the negatives will be significant, for all of you including your older kids. I wouldn’t personally.

DH will be given a payment of around £70,000 when he leaves the armed forces (a pension lump sum payment), which will help. We don’t know how far away that will be. He is a few years away from the end of his career, but they are giving many people extensions, and he is in a good position for that, should he want it.

I worry a little about my current job and upsetting them if I fall pregnant. I sort of mentioned my kids being older and wanting to progress now, when I was hired for this role.

If you and your husband are both in agreement, I’d say go for it! Life is short and you wouldn’t want to look back and regret.

Don’t worry about your job, you have maternity rights and they won’t be able to discriminate against you for falling pregnant.

My kids are a similar age (10 and 13) and it seems like all of a sudden they’ve grown up and the years of them being little have just gone so fast and I miss them. Which makes me understand why you might want another little one. I’m a similar age to you - 39 - and we are financially secure (although nursery fees have gone up so much which would be difficult) and I know that deep down, it wouldn’t be the right thing for us. With both kids going into their teens and all that brings and how they’ll need us in different ways, I think we’d struggle to provide it if dealing with a toddler too. And I am also quite looking forward to having some time back to ourselves as they get over and not worrying about childcare. So in your shoes which are similar to mine, I wouldn’t

Out of interest, are your two the same gender?

No, I have one boy and one girl.

ohhhh very mixed response so far. I’m torn between not wanting to do anything which will negatively impact my two children, but also thinking bringing a new life into the family would be a gift to us all. Also, not wanting to regret my decision in a few years, if we don’t. It’s so hard!

I know quite a few people who started ttcing in their late 30s for a “last chance” baby. Some got a few months down the line, didn’t get pregnant and suddenly thought “shit! Hormones! Crazy! Thank god it didn’t work.” and got on with their lives. Others got pregnant and are really glad their child is here. (Usually with a little bit of “fuck - it is hard!” In there.)

Could you cope if it were twins? Could you cope if the child had additional needs?

My MIL has (had) 3 kids two with a 3 year age gap and then one 10 years later so 13 and 10 when youngest was new born. While she doesn't regret it, she would definately say that being a mum to a baby, young child, teen in her mid 40s to late 50s was significantly harder than the same stages in her early 30s to mid 40s with the first two, just in terms of the overall energy requirements of everything. Also I think she felt a little less in touch with the third child through the teen years, just because it was so long since she'd been through it herself or even with her other daughter. That's not to say she isn't an excellent mum to child number 3, or that you wouldn't be a good mum to another child, but don't expect it to feel totally the same.

You're late 30s and currently have £34k but no property or other assets? But will get £70k soonish?

How do you plan to fund uni fees and where will you live after the military? Will DH get another job? Sounds a little precarious to have another baby just as your other kids are getting pricey and your income potentially lowering.

Can't really say, as don't know your plans but with everything getting so expensive, money rather than age/ upsetting employers would be my worry.

Couldn’t imagine wanting to go back a stage you’re just getting your life back. University is very expensive now.

Sorry @BlubberingBlue but no way would I have a third if I had 2, I was going to be 40 when the third would be born, and my youngest was 8. No way. I would stop at 2.

I have 2 (quite close together,) and I had them at around 30. I had a HUGE craving for another baby at 39-40, and DH and I even gave it a go. Nothing happened. Whilst I felt a bit downhearted at the time, I could not be more glad (now) that a third child never happened (at 40-41.) I mean, maybe I would have been fine and never known any different, but I am so glad I didn't ...

Is it your hormones talking? Many women feel broody at your age

Toddler, teenager and peri menopause, can’t think of a better combination 😂

I know someone who had a 4th baby at 38, and unfortunately the baby was born with some profound disabilities that means she will need care for the rest of her life. This has had a huge impact on the family and the older DC are now losing out on time with their parents due to the high needs of their youngest sibling.
These things become more common as the age of the mother and father increases.
Make sure you go into this with your eyes wide open.

If you have to question it, then surely the answer is 'no'?
In my view, just wanting one" and being sentimental about "bringing new life into the world" is merely a combination of emotions and hormones, so not enough. But people often seem to think these are good enough reasons....

From a practical point of view, your children will be going to university before you know it, maybe at a time when your husband has to change careers, and money could suddenly become very tight. So your finances would be under strain. Everything is going well at the moment, so why risk it?

There is a thread running with a lady massively regretting having a third. When your oestrogen declines from 45 ish onwards most women I know lose the urge to care as much. I really would struggle with parenting a younger child now at 50. Actually makes my blood run cold.

Personally in your circumstances I wouldn’t. 9 years is a long time since you were looking after a baby. What would happen if you were ill or the baby had disabilities or you had twins. Unfortunately a greater risk with age. How would you cope and how would it impact your 2 DC ? How will you cope with a baby if DH gets deployed and you are on your own with a baby and 2 pre teens ? It would be a hard slog. In your position while there is opportunity for your DH to extend he will have to leave at some point and your finances don’t sound that robust if you have to buy a house etc and then potentially 3 lots of university fees etc. personally I wouldn’t count the blessings I have with 2 DC , focus on them and your career to build for your future once DH leaves the army. Don’t underestimate the upheaval that will bring to a family (been there) without the added stress of a baby / toddler. You also haven’t mentioned how DH feels about it ? Unless he is 100% committed it is a non starter.

We’ve got three because we’re a blended family and although I adore our littlest it is really hard going. The older ones have no interest in the youngest one so constantly having to entertain them is difficult. Holidays are very tricky as most things are set up for two adults and two kids. It’s hard to do days out because the age gaps are so big so finding activities that suit all of them is next to impossible. We end up with dh taking the older kids off while I’m stuck in parks and soft play. As pp said there’s always the possibility of the baby having significant needs which would impact your whole family. Your existing children are getting to the teenage years that can be difficult.

I personally wouldn't in your position. Like everyone else has pointed out, your older kids will soon be needing you more than ever as they head into their teen years, and with that, financially things will get much harder too.
My little sister was born when I was 14. My brother left for uni, and by the time she can really remember, I was out with my friends, working, and getting on with my life. It was difficult being a teen with parents looking after a toddler, and there was resentment at times, as if I came home after 8pm, I'd be told off if the door woke my sister etc. I felt I missed out on that mum/teenage daughter relationship really, as she was tied up with a baby/young child and that was hard.
But, I did love having a baby sister, and would take her out at the weekend and spend all my wages buying her whatever she wanted 😄.
Me and my siblings moved out when she was still pretty young, and she says how much she hated it, as growing up she felt like an only child. She did her childhood completely seperately to us and she was bored, our parents were older and just not overly invested in everything, and she did go completely off the rails as a teen, which was a huge strain on everyone. I ended up being more like a parent than a sibling, which I didn't really sign up for, but couldn't see my parents struggle with it alone.
We're really close now we're adults, but there were definitely times when she was younger that it seemed like the worst decision ever made, and my mum would definitely agree 🤣.
I'm the same age as you now op, with similar aged kids, and I couldn't face the thought of having another, but maybe that's my lived experience. Plenty do and plenty say it was the best decision, but I know what it's like to be the much older child who suddenly has to fend for themselves and doesn't get to have the closeness with their mum at an age when they really do need it, and knowing my sisters pov of being the little sister to much older, absent siblings.