Can I have another child?

[BlubberingBlue]

I have two DC age 13 and 9 and I really long for another child. I am 38 years old, so time is pressing.

I am working in a new field which has given me a small pay rise and some progression opportunities. DH is in the armed forces. We have £30,000 in savings and around £6,000 debt for a car loan. We live in military housing and don’t own our own home. DH is 37.

Would we be crazy to have another child?

I wonder what’s driving you to want to go backwards? Is it fear of leaving the small child caring stage? Maybe get pet!

I would try not to worry too much about upsetting your employer (coming from someone that loves their job!). I think it’s important to remember that even if they like you, they wouldn’t hesitate to make you redundant etc if it served their purpose, so it’s good not to fall into the trap of undue influence on your personal life. It always shocks me how quickly you / the company move on from people when they leave, and how generally replaceable people are!

Plus if you are worried, you don’t necessarily need to tell people at work / your boss you were TTC - you could always make comments about how shocked you are to find out you are pregnant 🤣

Don't you want to travel, go on date nights have the freedom to do what you want when you want

Probably a bit of a life constraint for the older 2. And possibly a bit lonely for the youngest who’ll be alone with you from 8 or so onwards.

I really wouldn’t. I have a large age gap, but that’s because I had my eldest at 16, he is 32 now and my youngest is 18 soon (second DS is 21). I am approaching 50 and there’s no way I could parent a young child now. My brother had a later life child with his 2nd wife and he is 4 soon, and my brother is exhausted. He always says how much easier it was when he was in his 20’s like with his first two.

After your DH leaves the army, you’re going to have to buy a house, or rent. If you have a 3rd, that will mean 4 bedrooms required. Also it will be unfair on your older two, when days out and holidays end up adjusted or changed completely as you can’t do that with a baby or toddler. They will he studying for exams with a toddler tearing around. Yes, a new baby is always nice, but in my opinion that ship has sailed and i’d focus on enjoying your existing kids and enjoy the type of things you can do with older kids.

Obviously your choice, but starting again now will mean you’re not going to have freedom to focus on you and your career for many years.

I posted a few years ago, and I was still studying. Posters encouraged me to complete my studies and then consider a child. I waited, but now it seems it’s too late. 😢

I genuinely don’t mean this flippantly - have you considered a dog?

I do think that in a few years to come with teen hormones kicking in, menopause looming, and your older two having exams etc, you will be glad you don’t have a little one in the mix.

Personally I wouldn’t. I have DC and SC ranging between 13 and 2, and it’s very hard to balance their needs as well as two careers. It’s not like the olden days where you’re at home and they roam the streets and climb trees. You need to be around for homework, extracurriculars, checking phones… Doing all that in perimenopause, with a husband changing career/lifestyle and potentially ageing parents is a whole lot of work.

I wouldn’t your life sounds pretty good atm but I’m not sure that’s what you want to hear.

I don’t think it’s particularly fair to have another and be stuck in the toddler years while your teens go through exams etc, especially as finances aren’t amazing and DH is busy with work. They will probably love a younger sibling but ultimately
it just takes time and resources away from them when they need it. My mum did this (by accident) and it just meant we could never do anything together that was relevant to my interests, no chance of a lift anywhere or making it to a school event. In the evening when I’d want a chat she was doing bedtime and then tired. She was a single parent so it’s not the same, but very few people expect to end up that way.

It’s definitely not too late! It sounds to me like you really want a third baby, so listen to your instincts. I would go for it if I was you!

I have two friends who have done similar, had a 3rd when the other two were pre-teens and teens. It has been hard for the older kids. There is nothing they can all do together as a family and the older ones have been left sort of fending for themselves much more than they had anticipated. Imagine trying to do a family outing with a 2 year old an 11 year old and a 15 year old. Most of the things the older two would want to do would be unsuitable for the 2 year old, so the older ones basically don't get to do what they want.

In one case it has also fractued the family as the dad takes the oldest two and does stuff with them and the mum is left with the toddler all the time. The mum has lost a lot of closeness with her oldest children and I think there is some resentment there from the kids.

I was the age of your youngest when my mother had another child and I would say don't do it.

Teens actually need you as much as young children do, and you can't give them what they need if you have a baby.

Surely if you really wanted another child you wouldn't let the words of random internet strangers stop you?

That is a very odd response! You are told
what to do by strangers on the internet?!

You clearly have serious misgivings or you would have just had a third anyway. What anyone else does is irrelevant.

Of course I wasn’t “told what to do by strangers on the internet”. I reached out to other parents via mumsnet, as I don’t have many people to discuss this with IRL. I explained my circumstances and asked for advice. I used this advice to help make a decision. Is that not one of the purposes that mumsnet serves?

i had a period where I struggled with my mental health, and that’s part of the reason I have delayed having a 3rd. We always planned on 3. My mental health is great now, and has been for the last couple of years. The advice before was predominantly that securing a career before having another was important. I understood the value in this, and so I waited to do that before considering having a 3rd. I feel really sad as it seems like I’ve missed my opportunity somewhere in there.

I wouldn’t, it’ll completely change the amount of energy you can give your older children. They could find it really tough. Wanting another baby doesn’t mean having one is a good idea. What if you had twins or a child with complicated medical issues or additional needs?

OP, some of the replies here are mad. I appreciate you are asking people for their opinion, but they are presenting so many 'what ifs?'.

The reality is that with any choice in life, we have no certainty of it working out well, or otherwise.

Of course you have to make practical provision for your children, so start there - but after that, it comes down to what you and your DH want, and I don't think any comments here will help with that.

Naturally, each of us approaches this with our own perspective and preferences, but ultimately it's about what you feel about family life, what feels right to you. You are certainly not a bad position to have another baby, but only you can weigh up the financial implications, the age gap, and any impact on career.

Speaking about having a preference, in my own case, I always wanted 4 children, had 3 in quick succession - my marriage was abusive, so clearly things were far from ideal, it ended when the smallest was a baby. I recognise that practically having 4 would have been incredibly hard - it's very tough parenting alone with 3 as it is - but I still miss that 4th child I planned to have, as illogical as that is. (my youngest is 14 now!)

I don't quite understand posts like these?

OP is 38. Many women are only starting their family at that stage, the risks are not significantly higher for having complications or a child with additional needs.

I'm not saying women shouldn't consider these possibilities, if it's worrying for them, but in reality, at any age, and in any pregnancy there are risks, and can be complications.

There are plenty of only children in the world who are perfectly fine and not lonely. Hate this sort of thing being trotted out all the time casually

I just had a baby at 38 and I have a 5 year old and I have to say it’s tough going back to the baby stage when you are used to that bit of independence and time to yourself during school hours etc.

Honestly why not just go for it. If you’re saying that’s what you want - that’s your life and another little person who you will love with your whole heart. Mumsnet is always anti third child no matter the circumstances.

Don’t place so much importance on what strangers online tell you.
If you both really want another child you won't let people on a forum put you off.

I feel really sad as it seems like I’ve missed my opportunity somewhere in there.

Or you could say, I took a different path and that path means I can spend more time on my two kids, my relationships, my fitness, my career, I can retire earlier/have more spending money. Try to see the positives?