To remind DP to do things

[MyRabbit79]

So this isn’t a dealbreaker in our relationship but it’s an ongoing annoyance.

Context is that me and DP have been together 10 years. Live together. One dog, no kids, both work ft.

Some chores we split eg I do cooking, he does washing up. I do laundry, he does kitchen bin. Other things we divide up ad hoc. Eg. I’ll say that I’ll get an electrician in to fix lights if he can book boiler service. I’ll clean kitchen, could he do bathroom. I do all food shopping so will ask him to pick up the occasional additional item.

The issue is that without fail he doesn’t do ‘his’ thing. So eventually I say ‘could you pick up x this week?’ Or ‘did you manage to book in y?’

every time this is met with a big sigh and exaggerated look at work calendar and something like ‘I mean, I’m in the office all day and have a three hour meeting.’ Or similar. Or ‘I’ll book it but the only time they can come is Monday when I’m out so you’ll have to handle it’

if I hold steady and insist he does whatever I am portrayed as being petty. If I don’t nudge him the thing will literally never get done. So the boiler will go unserviced. House filthy. No food in the house. Dog will miss injections. And so on

what are your solutions, or ways of asking, reminding etc? I seem to go blank when met with pushback and can’t convey how unreasonable the situation is. Help!

Stop doing his laundry / cooking?
How about getting a cleaner?

He doesn’t believe he should have to do it. That’s your problem right there. I don’t have any answers to that unfortunately. You can’t make people do things.

I’m currently trialling a rota in a household of four. There’s lots of huffing and puffing but no one can deny it’s fair so it’s getting done. For now…

I plan to add more jobs to it over time. Baby steps. You definitely can’t get an unwilling person from zero to hero overnight.

Sort out your own stuff and leave his. Be ruthless. You’ll still end up doing more but you won’t be doing ‘his’ stuff. Stop doing his laundry for starters. Think of anything else you do that will inconvenience him if it’s not done and don’t do it.

Are you intending to have children together?

I can't emphasise enough how much this will become intolerable and drag you down if you have kids. It'll just be endless and the resentment will kill your respect for him.

And what he's doing is weaponised incompetence - he doesn't see why he should do these things when he has a domestic appliance (you) - that will do them if he "forgets" or does a bad job.

Bet he doesn't forget or endlessly put off tasks at work, does he?

What a hideously unfair spilt of chores you have to start with. He should be ashamed of himself. And whyever did you agree to that in the first place? Women are their own worst enemies at times.
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He considers his time and effort more valuable than yours. Don’t have children with him. Personally I’d be reading him the absolute riot act and refuse to do anything thing which benefits him until he shapes up (pronto or he’s out). However I think ultimately he will always be selfish so I’d ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life or would you want to find an actual life partner.

@category12definitely no kids in the pipeline.

@Maray1967I’m considering this. Again it seems petty though

I used to send DH a list of jobs. Every day. And if a task wasn't done it'd remain on the list and just keep getting re-sent. Every day. Tedious af but must've been annoying enough that he doesn't need the constant reminders anymore!

@partygateI definitely think he sees his job as more important than mine. In fact the only imbalance is that I work primarily from home and he’s hybrid, two ish days in the office a week.

More petty that the whole sighing and looking at the calendar performance?

I guess you could take over doing that whenever he asks why he's run out of clean pants.

Oh and I’m self employed so rarely take time off.

It's not though. It's disrespectful. It's saying his time is more important than yours.

If it's so trivial to do, why doesn't he just do it?

Why can't he put a few moments of effort and thought in to your lives together to do his share?

@WinterSunglassesgood point!

Can you decide what you both want to do? I wouldn’t be petty in the division of chores that the dog was missing out on vet care.

Sounds like you are managing a teenager .

It would be a dealbreaker for me. I just couldn’t be attracted to or respect someone who behaved and treated me like this. I have enough useless people to deal with at work, I don’t need it at home either.

But it’s not a dealbreaker for you, he knows that, and he therefore has no incentive to pull his weight (his own self-respect should be enough incentive, but it’s not).

Also I assume you’re cooking at least once a day, and his equivalent chore is spending what, 5 mins per week putting the bin out?!

Welcome my friend to the concept of the mental load…I couldn’t be with someone like this, there’s a difference between a few occasions reminding (give the benefit of the doubt) but after that it just becomes a lack of respect for your time, effort, and consideration as well.

If you really want to change things you need to start at the root of the problem, which is his attitude that his job/time is more important than yours. Does he earn more or something? Even if he does that’s no excuse. I’d ask him quite bluntly why he feels he can opt out of the jobs that come with being an adult and owning a home. Tell him that these things need doing and if he wants to share a life with you, part of the deal is that he does his fair share of the work.

Then make a list between you of everything that needs doing (including things like boiler service) and allocate them all out (fairly, not you doing the long boring stuff and him
doing the once a year jobs!). Tell him you won’t be overseeing his side of things from now on, you’re not his supervisor but make it clear that of he doesn’t take responsibility for his stuff you will stop doing things like his laundry.

If you are self employed from home it does mean you have more flexibility so isn’t it OK that the boiler gets serviced if either one of you is at home.

mine used to be like this. I tried to stop myself reminding him and over time I succeeded. When kids started noticing his unreliability, he picked up a little. I have stopped doing his laundry.

if you have separate finances, you can definitely stop reminding him about his responsibilities eg if boiler packs up, that’s his issue to solve (although I guess not having hot water or heating will be an issue for you too)

So from your OP it sounds as if he doesn’t do anything unless you ask/remind him? I can guarantee he doesn’t act like this at work ie his boss doesnt need to keep reminding him to do his job.

He’s sees these things as your job, to manage and do. Whether this is because he is a misogynist or just because he’s happy living in a dirty house is not clear from your OP (but I think most posters will have reached their own conclusion).

You say you think it’s petty to just do your own washing etc. Why? He doesn’t give it a second thought so he clearly thinks this is normal/acceptable. Match this energy.

Perhaps the best bet is to simply say the balance is all wrong and not working for you so you propose you get a cleaner (paid for jointly), you both just do your own laundry so you can do when convenient for you and take it in turns to shop/cook eg one does 1 week the other the next.

i also think it’s worth writing down all the jobs and who does them eg loading/unloading dishwasher, changing beds, mowing lawn, gardening, Christmas planning, gift buying, organising entertaining with friends and cooking, prep when you have guests etc. There’s no way taking the bin out is the same as sorting, washing, drying, folding and putting away laundry.

It never fails to amaze me how many men are perfectly capable of holding down jobs, remembering work related tasks but cannot do the simplest of domestic tasks without being repeatedly reminded .

What a sexist, lazy little dickhead.

How can you bear him.