To remind DP to do things

[MyRabbit79]

So this isn’t a dealbreaker in our relationship but it’s an ongoing annoyance.

Context is that me and DP have been together 10 years. Live together. One dog, no kids, both work ft.

Some chores we split eg I do cooking, he does washing up. I do laundry, he does kitchen bin. Other things we divide up ad hoc. Eg. I’ll say that I’ll get an electrician in to fix lights if he can book boiler service. I’ll clean kitchen, could he do bathroom. I do all food shopping so will ask him to pick up the occasional additional item.

The issue is that without fail he doesn’t do ‘his’ thing. So eventually I say ‘could you pick up x this week?’ Or ‘did you manage to book in y?’

every time this is met with a big sigh and exaggerated look at work calendar and something like ‘I mean, I’m in the office all day and have a three hour meeting.’ Or similar. Or ‘I’ll book it but the only time they can come is Monday when I’m out so you’ll have to handle it’

if I hold steady and insist he does whatever I am portrayed as being petty. If I don’t nudge him the thing will literally never get done. So the boiler will go unserviced. House filthy. No food in the house. Dog will miss injections. And so on

what are your solutions, or ways of asking, reminding etc? I seem to go blank when met with pushback and can’t convey how unreasonable the situation is. Help!

You can do so much better than this. He’s going to bring you a lifetime of unhappiness. This will slowly grind you down. You’ll have to fight so hard just to try to get close to equal. It will exhaust you and you’ll give in. There are really good guys out there, don’t settle for this one. He won’t improve.

And that’s why we stay stuck - you have to get past that fear of being seen as petty.
You need to tell yourself that this is a learning experience for both of you. It’s not petty, it’s a way of reclaiming some time and space for yourself and teaching him what needs to be done.

Have you tried having a general conversation about how shared responsibilities are split, initiating it when you HAVEN'T just had an argument and when there isn't something specific that's become urgent because he hasn't done it in time? I'd try splitting up EVERYTHING between the two of you (and outsourcing what you can, if that's a reasonable option). As much as you can, make sure that the things YOU really need done fall to you and things that impact him more are on his list. I'd also include general timeframes; for example, if one of you always has the chore of cleaning Bathroom A, it's done at least once a week.

Either he'll continue to shirk and balk or he'll step up, but he won't reasonably be able to act like you've just "decided" to assign him a task or imposed an inconvenient arbitrary deadline. If he does continue to imply that you're treating him unfairly, don't entertain that. Just say you're not rehashing this again and if necessary walk away when he starts. If he won't agree to a fair and clear split or he agrees but still leaves his bits, I'd be asking him to explain why he thinks his time is more important than yours.

You'll feel bad doing all of this because you want a relationship of equals and not to feel like you're nagging a lazy child, but only you can decide if whatever good points he has override his lack of respect and rudeness toward you.

Sounds like you have the harder job in every category.

He sees all of it as your job.

And if you can’t even stop his laundry then he has you right where he wants you.

You're still managing everything. He needs actual responsibility and to have to fix it when it goes wrong/wasn't done.

You say it isn’t a dealbreaker, but it’s death by a thousand paper cuts. You will spend the rest of your life annoyed and frustrated, that’s a miserable life.

Sighing and looking through his work calendar? Who the hell does he think he is?

Get him to read this article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

@DownThePubWithStevieNicks no his equivalent there is the washing up (no dishwasher).

Laundry vs the bins is not a fair balance. Bins take a couple of minutes a week, laundry is not just sticking clothes in a washing machine.

And I guess you do all the shopping because you do all the cooking, so your jobs are far more onerous than his, even if he is washing up by hand.

it would be a deal breaker for me
he doesn’t care and won’t change
sod that for the rest of your life

if you got rid of him, and got a dishwasher would you even notice he was gone? 😂

I would ask him to propose a solution, after all he is the problem.
’DH, every time we split tasks I do my task without fail and you do not. If I remind you, you huff and sigh and behave like I am unreasonable. I’ve had enough. I am not prepared to live the rest of my life like this. What do you propose?

Yes sorry, bins are equivalent to laundry…

You work, you manage the basics of adult life without being told, you don’t have kids. You have literally no reason to have to live like this with this pathetic little patriarch and it’s baffling that you do.

I found this uncomfortable to read because I have battled and dragged things with my DH to a more acceptable balance but it’s taken years and it’s still not equal mental load wise. I’ll describe briefly how well/ not well I have done in 10 years and you can see if you think it’s worth investing in the slog:

Both do own laundry. Roughly take turns to do DC laundry. I still do all bedding, towels and delicates.

He does all supermarket shopping and I don’t make lists etc. he does mental load for human and pet food supplies.

Every day cooking pretty equal. He does 100% of fancy or occasion cooking- Christmas dinners, parties at home, batch cooking.

50/50 on routine kid stuff like bedtimes, drop offs and pickups and kids clubs.

I still do ALL: Home improvements project management (mega project house- has been a nightmare at times), home maintenance arrangements, deal with the fortnightly cleaners, all finances, holiday planing and arrangements, kids school and childcare admin.

He has a busy full time job outside the home. I have a more senior and slightly higher paid full time job that’s a lot of WFH with some travel and some long days out for work.

What I’ve described above looks a bit shit written down. But it’s loads better. I wouldn’t have agreed to buy a dooer-upper house with him if I’d known he would not do his share of mental load for the house renovation. That nearly broke me a few times.

the main thing I thought from your OP was- this would get a lot worse if you have kids.

Why would it be ‘petty’ to cease allowing someone who’s supposed to love you to treat you like unpaid domestic staff?

We have a meeting every week.
Cup of tea, sort out the finances, make a list of what needs to be done in the following week. Then we both take our part of the list and do it.
If it doesn't get done for some reason it stays on our list.

Of course, this depends on both people being adults and not wanting to live in a filthy house with an unserviced boiler and with a dog that doesn't get the treatment it deserves.

You asked, "what are your solutions, or ways of asking, reminding".
In your case, if the above doesn't work, I would become fucking objectionable until the lacklustre bastard grew up and started pulling his weight.

viced boiler and a dog who doesn't get the treatment it needs.

Can not stand men like this, why live with someone that expects you to be his housekeeper and cook but doesn't even pay you for it.

Get him to fuck!

You cant change him. His core beliefs are that all household chores are womens work that are beneath him.
You can either live with that or not.dont have children with him.

This x 1000. Ceasing to do things for him is not petty, it is a coolly rational reconsideration of your labor to balance your marriage out. If he doesn’t think putting in is important, he clearly doesn’t value your putting in. If he thought you should put in and him not, he’d be saying he thinks you’re a second class citizen in the marriage, surely not! So he must mean you shouldn’t do things for him. So you stop.
tell him he doesn’t do his jobs, so rather than nag him you’ve just stopped doing things too, to reclaim your free time, as you matter too, and you can’t have no free time while he focusses on himself.

I agree with this (and similar comments). Any 'systems' you try and put in place are just a plaster on a gaping wound - if he isn't willing to do the jobs he isn't going to follow them.

I'd have a serious conversation and basically set out what you've said here. Basically set it up so he can't help but agree. e.g.
"Do you agree that household chores need doing?" (obviously yes)
"Do you think it's fair that both adults in a household contribute equally?" (again he'd struggle to disagree with that without outing himself as the sexist he actually is.
"So why aren't you doing your share?" (if he feels he is come prepared with examples).

Point out that it's not like you enjoy constantly nagging him - does he think it makes you feel sexy or romantic acting like a mother to a lazy teenage boy? Ask what would happen in work if he took ownership of a task but his manager kept having to nag and nag him to do it. Tell him you love him but are rapidly losing all respect for him, and it doesn't seem like he respects or loves you if he essentially sees you as lesser than him and there to clean up/serve him, rather than an equally contributing adult.

Be prepared to negotiate some compromises - i.e. if his idea of sufficient cleanliness isn't the same as yours, as long as it's an acceptable level, or if he wants to swap jobs/pay to outsource some (not necessarily the ubiquitous MN "get a cleaner" but maybe invest in a robot vacuum, dishwasher, automatically re-ordering online shopping etc)., but ultimately unless he is willing to change it comes to an ultimatum only you can make - either accept this is how he is, and you will either be nagging him for the rest of your life/giving up and doing all the jobs yourself - or don't accept that and end the relationship. And as pps have said DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM!

Yes!
Often the traditionally 'blue' jobs are ones that take 5 minutes once a week (bins), or are only seasonal/very occasional ("managing the finances" i.e. setting up a dd and then forgetting about it, mowing the lawn, arranging a service/MOT once a year), or even things that are nice to have but not essential, like minor DIY, washing the cars, etc.

Compared with the daily, necessary drudge of constant cleaning, laundry, childcare etc.

Yet people (women as well, I always remember a woman on here asserting she was far too petite to manage to take the bins out, which given I'm 5 foot and a fart I struggle to believe) swear down they represent an equal split!

My ex husband was the same. I think he also resented the fact that I was a professional on a good wage and he was a delivery driver even though it didnt bother me in the slighest and I never mentioned it.
In the end I decided to only cook, clean and do laundry for myself and not provide any more sexual services although I was perfectly pleasant to him.
After 6 months of this he left rather than make the effort to improve which really told me everything I needed to know.
We had been married for 20 years and he would rather do that than make an effort to improve for the sake of our marriage.
In an additional macho demonstration he paid for the divorce and signed the house and all we owned over to me I think more as a way of saying I dont want anything you paid for.
He has been living in a shitty rented bedsit in Scotland ever since.
All this to avoid a few chores. A psychiatrist would have to unravel that one because I cant.

Does he enhance your life? That's the only reason for a relationship, he sounds annoying and tedious.

This was pretty much me! And I did divorce, with the ongoing dish saga being the straw to break me, and have since remarried someone where this isn't an issue and Im not made to feel like my requests are too much.

I asked everyday, in different ways, and was constantly met with a defiance that I took to be a big middle finger to me so off I did f^^k and peace is mine again.

Common advice for splitting household tasks is to distribute full ownership of tasks end to end. So if someone is responsible for food shopping they check stock levels, make the list, shop, put away. You don’t keep track of what’s needed and give them reminders, they have full responsibility.

When splitting tasks be accurate about how long each task takes end to end to ensure you split the tasks 50/50 between you.

For example, it usually takes 10 minutes to wash up versus 30-60 minutes to cook. So having one person do all the cooking and the other the washing up is not a fair split. The one doing the washing up should also launder the bedding, tidy & hoover, and clean the bathroom to make it a fair split time wise.